#1
I know...it's cliched. Whatever. But it was a true expression of my emotions at the time. So there haha. Its based on one chord progression the whole way through, if that helps in reading the lyrics as a song, in context so to speak.

You and me
Was something that I could never see
In hopes and dreams
I was something that I could never grow to be

Me and you
The thought of it made me oh so confused
I thought, I knew
That that was the way that you felt too

I never asked that bell to ring
I never asked that dove to take wing
I thought you could do better
I thought you wanted more

Than me, who just stood there watching
While all the pretty boys were fondling
Maybe I deserve love now
But never did before

You were unexpected
Yet most logical
Could I be, the one you wanted?
Or were you just a fool?

The truth is I loved you
It was there for all to see
Took too long but the pain was worth it
When you said that you loved me

You made me laugh, you made me cry
You made me open up my eyes
You made me happy, made me sick
Made me the world's biggest hypocrite

And nothing really matters now
Been only happy days since the truth's come out
I thought I'd screw things up again
Turns out that don't mean anything to

You, unexpected
But oh so obvious
I was paranoid, delusional
'Til you gave me that final wake up call

The truth is I loved you
I hope it's not a crime
And I know we'd be lying if we said
We didn't want it that whole time
#2
Well, of course this is a bit cliche and it's not even the cliche part that made it undesirable to read(or try to play in my head), it's the fact that you acknowledged that it was cliche. I'm sure if you hadn't said that this wouldn't be nearly as bad. Every line that was a bit familiar was multiplied exponentially in its familiarity, just because you told me it was cliche and so that was what I was expecting. So in the context of this work, the writing isn't even the problem, it was the writer. I mean of course there are quite a few areas where the writing could be better but that's not even important until you fix yourself. What's the point in paying a bunch of money for a nice, shiny paintjob for a car when the engine is all messed up, or the exhaust is broken in half so it sounds like an airplane driving down the street 25 mph? In order for you to write well, you have to have the right mindset when you are coming into-and out of-writing a piece. And that mindset is that you should never settle. For anything. Never settle for mediocrity, for a bad, forced rhyme scheme, or like you did here with a piece sprinkled with minor cliches. When you accept these little flaws in your writing, it takes everything down a notch just because it's there, and it could have been avoided. Before you finish writing a piece, before you post it, make sure that you've done everything you can to improve it. Don't just say "Oh, it's cliche but it's okay as long as I say that in a little foreword before the actual lyrics." If you ever record an EP you're not going to be able to have a little ten second foreword at the beginning of every song that says "Sorry, this is cliche" or "sorry, I ripped this riff from that one incubus song, but it's okay because I'm saying it here before you criticize me for it.". So you need to write with that in mind. We can't help you if you don't help yourself by making the piece as flawless as you can before handing it to us to critique. If you put all those cliches in there without knowing it, then that's okay and I could be writing this giant paragraph explaining how they are cliche and why you should avoid saying things like that. But knowingly using these things, that's inexcusable because now I can't tell you anything constructive because you've already told it to yourself. The other problem this presents, this little foreword we have here, is that it isn't showing me that you're confident in your writing ability. In fact, it's showing the opposite. You need to have confidence for me to have confidence in you when I'm reading it. If I go into it already thinking that you have no idea how to write, that's what I'm going to think when I'm coming out of it because I had that idea put in my head before I even looked at the words, and had it put there by the writer him/herself.


See? So I didn't even need to tell you what was wrong with this, you did it yourself. Be confident in yourself even if you aren't, and make sure every piece you post is as close to perfect as you can get.



https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1248508
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
Thanks for the advice. I don't generally have a lack of confidence, it's more just with this song. When I wrote it, I wasn't thinking that it was cliched, it was more after I'd read it through a couple of times after I'd written it.

But thanks for the advice I will definitely keep that in mind when posting anything else on here. Any criticisms other than my self confidence? Haha.