#1
On the way to the back shore
there is a beach with a subtle ocean roar.
it is protected by the land,
tucked away from the sea,
warm forgiving sand,
and the loss you could not forsee.
they collide together as if they were
a schooners hull and the murky ocean floor.

only now the thought runs the length,
as you sit ever close to the Eastern bank.
starting to throw stones into the water
you begin to think of your distraught daughter.
and the anger begins rise
just like the ocean's tide.
sometimes it is low and receeding,
breathing in and out
far down where you barely can see,
but its existence never turns into doubt.

other times its right up at your feet.
the frigid, frothing murderer
who had once wiped out a fishing fleet
is coming to bear the news.
"he who is lost with me
has left his heart upon the shore with you."
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
Last edited by freshtunes at Dec 21, 2009,
#2
Content is great, and your images are beautiful, but the style of rhyming sounds so juvenile in comparison... It could use some more development. You managed to make a very human character out of the sea.
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#3
I think is nice, but could be a little longer.
I agree with vintage about the rhymes sounding so juvenile but still its ok.
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* at TunaFish

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TunaFish ==

This made me lol:
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It's morphing time bitches.
#4
I'll be different and say I really enjoyed the rhymes. I really enjoyed all of this actually. Missed your writings, freshy. Stick around, huh?
#5
I rarely rhyme because I truely believe it does sound juvenile. This is the only time I have done anything resembling cuplet form, and I find it hilarious that the first two comments mentioned how the rhyming comes off as juvenile. It is more difficult to make a piece rhyme and hold some meaning than to make it have meaning with no rhyme at all. Thanks for the commentary though, much appreciated.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#6
Have you thought about changing it to "The Pirate's Wife"? Every band needs to have at least one song about a pirate.