#1
This is an old song that I found while looking through some of my old lyric books, I thought it wasn't half bad, so I decided I would post it and see what you think. I will appreciate your completely opinions and crits. Thanks

v.1
You were a dark spirit with a pretty face
You had me fooled
by those games you played
You had your grasp on me
so tight I could hardly breathe

Chorus
When I looked into your eyes
You weren't who you said to be
You filled my head with lies
You were only deceiving me

v.2
I had no chance
The moment I saw your face
I fell into a trance
I couldn't see past your
hypnotizing exterior
I had no idea what you really were

Chorus

Bridge
I'm starting to see
the lies, everything
You were never good for me
I'll just shut the door
and walk away
And won't think about you anymore

v.3
Now with the lights out
I see what you're really bout
Can't say I'm surprised
After all you've done
But I'm not angry
I'll just move on
You and I are mortal, but rock n roll will never die.
Last edited by jcboomer at Dec 23, 2009,
#2
Sorry, I usually don't like to bump, but I would appreciate some crits.
You and I are mortal, but rock n roll will never die.
#3
This is good is it about a broken relationship? cos if it is it really shows how blinded you can be by love and relationships...i dont really have any criticisms though, i like it
#4
Thanks! Yeah, its about a broken relationship and being blinded by love and relationships and then when the veil finally falls off your eyes to just walk away and move on, because that really all you can do, no sense in dwelling on the past.
You and I are mortal, but rock n roll will never die.
#5
Quote by jcboomer
You asked for it, here it goes

You were a dark spirit with a pretty face
You had me fooled
by those games you played
You had your grasp on me
so tight I could hardly breathe

This is straight cliche, nothing in here is even remotely interesting, your wording is pedestrian, the images are silly. "Dark Spirit" means zilch, absolutely nothing, there is more of an image in 'grilled cheese' than 'dark spirit.' I know right now you don't read poetry. It shows, you're not well versed in poetic narration, metaphors, similes, aphorisms, allegories, anything like that. You need to sit down and read some good poetry. I'm not even going to go stanza by stanza because everything I have a problem with is in this first stanza. Essentially you go like 5 stanzas, and a chorus (don't ever write in constrictions, stop writing as if you're going to turn it into a song, stop pretending you'll be a famous musicians, if you seriously want to be a better writer, it's better to face up to the delusions that you will not be a musician with these kinds of lyrics) and it goes on for awhile and nothing happens and it ends.

It's hard to teach a baby how to walk, and it's even harder to teach someone who doesn't understand literature how to write. Seriously, the best thing you can do right now, is read poetry and books and don't write for about two months. Come back when you have a better grasp of the language my friend. Just like learning how to play guitar, you can't pick up and have someone tell you what you're doing wrong. You have understand how music works, and you don't understand how poetry works.




-matt
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#6
You're right, I don't read poetry I never have, but I guess I should probably start, haha. Do you have any recommendations? Thanks.
You and I are mortal, but rock n roll will never die.
#7
For lyrical and experimentalism read:

E.E. Cummings, James Joyce, and William Faulkner.

for story-telling

Robert Frost, Emily Dickens, John Steinbeck, Charles Bukowski, William Burroughs, and Allen Ginsberg.

tackle those.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#9
Very poetic. I like your powerful choice of words. I also like the flow of words in the verses despite a lack of rhyming. I actually wish I could write more non-rhyming stuff.

My one complaint is the chorus. It's good, and I like it, but it needs more strength, in my opinion. I almost feel that where it ends is a good climax, but it feels strangely empty for the lack of remaining lyrics in the chorus.

Overall, good piece. I enjoyed it very much.