There's a star falling down
that I think I'd like to catch
with an oven mitt so I do not get burned
but all I've got
is my bare hands, and memories
this unraveling sweater
and pieces of a girl

There's a line outside
of men who'd like to meet me
and sell me things that I've already earned
There's no way out
someday I'll have to greet them
Until then I have enough pride
to say "**** the world."

**** **** **** the world
and everyone in it
Tonight I will not love my fellow man
I'm sick sick sick and tired
of living in it
I'm leaving here now, let go of my hand

I'm a red bottle rocket
you're all ashy snakes
I'm my own true savior
for Christ's ****in sake
Can't you see?
I'm through. I'm through.
Don't want to hear you say,
"Jare-bear I'll miss you!"
I want Super Saiyan abilities
There were parts I really liked and parts that I didn't. First off, I thought the first verse/stanza was really good and should be kept intact should you do any editing to this. It had some great imagery and the phrasing was unique - "unraveling sweater and pieces of a girl" that part was especially well-written.

I think the main problem I had with the rest was that there wasn't that same level of intimate imagery as there was in the first verse. That is, there was a lot more telling in these parts as opposed to showing. For example, the line "**** **** **** the world / and everyone in it / Tonight I will not love my fellow man / I'm sick sick sick and tired of living in it": I think it would serve you better if you show me why you're sick and tired because right here you're just telling me. Hope you get what I mean.

But other than that, I feel like with some editing that this piece can be really good. I like the message but I think you need to consistent have the same level of imagery throughout the song.
here, My Dear, here it is
I could show you, but telling you is catchier and kind of the point of the song. The problems are deep but the solution isn't. **** the world and everyone in it.
I'm too punk rock for constructive criticism .
Seriously though thanks for the solid crit man, everything I write is a work in progress and if I think of a way to make this better and still keep it's essence I'll make the appropriate changes.

p.s. I dig the Lupe quote.
I want Super Saiyan abilities
Last edited by rebelmidget at Dec 23, 2009,
Use of the word "oven mitt" doesn't fit the rest of the song. The rest of the song is much too poetic and stylized (not a bad thing), and "oven mitt" no matter what context, is simply plain and ugly.

Other than that, great lyrics!
Tastes like chicken, if chicken was a candy.
Does there have to be a moral?
I write songs not fables.
I want Super Saiyan abilities