#1
There's a star falling down
that I think I'd like to catch
with an oven mitt so I do not get burned
but all I've got
is my bare hands, and memories
this unraveling sweater
and pieces of a girl

There's a line outside
of men who'd like to meet me
and sell me things that I've already earned
There's no way out
someday I'll have to greet them
Until then I have enough pride
to say "**** the world."

**** **** **** the world
and everyone in it
Tonight I will not love my fellow man
I'm sick sick sick and tired
of living in it
I'm leaving here now, let go of my hand

I'm a red bottle rocket
you're all ashy snakes
I'm my own true savior
for Christ's ****in sake
Can't you see?
I'm through. I'm through.
Don't want to hear you say,
"Jare-bear I'll miss you!"
I want Super Saiyan abilities
#2
There were parts I really liked and parts that I didn't. First off, I thought the first verse/stanza was really good and should be kept intact should you do any editing to this. It had some great imagery and the phrasing was unique - "unraveling sweater and pieces of a girl" that part was especially well-written.

I think the main problem I had with the rest was that there wasn't that same level of intimate imagery as there was in the first verse. That is, there was a lot more telling in these parts as opposed to showing. For example, the line "**** **** **** the world / and everyone in it / Tonight I will not love my fellow man / I'm sick sick sick and tired of living in it": I think it would serve you better if you show me why you're sick and tired because right here you're just telling me. Hope you get what I mean.

But other than that, I feel like with some editing that this piece can be really good. I like the message but I think you need to consistent have the same level of imagery throughout the song.
here, My Dear, here it is
#3
I could show you, but telling you is catchier and kind of the point of the song. The problems are deep but the solution isn't. **** the world and everyone in it.
I'm too punk rock for constructive criticism .
Seriously though thanks for the solid crit man, everything I write is a work in progress and if I think of a way to make this better and still keep it's essence I'll make the appropriate changes.

p.s. I dig the Lupe quote.
I want Super Saiyan abilities
Last edited by rebelmidget at Dec 23, 2009,
#4
Use of the word "oven mitt" doesn't fit the rest of the song. The rest of the song is much too poetic and stylized (not a bad thing), and "oven mitt" no matter what context, is simply plain and ugly.


Other than that, great lyrics!
Tastes like chicken, if chicken was a candy.
#6
Does there have to be a moral?
I write songs not fables.
I want Super Saiyan abilities