#1
lyrics.


the timely storm soaked the dull grey morning
and there were dogs on the shorelines screaming
not for seaswept bones
just for any semblance of home
while you were on your own, i was here growing uneven
dreaming of a tender touch

these long coastlines were merely curves for groping
and the syrup groves seduced me with desperate pleasure
so i claimed this foreign isle
the natives wore distorted smiles
assumed this vulgar fire would be with me forever

but the coarsest skin tore the clouds
and the rain became inverted tears
it quieted my most selfish sounds
and amplified my most conquered fears

here, My Dear, here it is
Last edited by SubwayToVenus at Dec 23, 2009,
#2
Quote by SubwayToVenus
lyrics.


the storm silhouette soaked the yellow morning
Eh, "Storm silhouette" just sounds a too-wordy, mumbo-jumbo phrasing. Doesn't work for me.
while the smelly dogs were on the shorelines weeping
Smelly dogs is a hilariously bad and juvenile thing to say, lol.
for the seaswept bones
and any semblance of home
while you were on your own, i was here growing uneven
Growing uneven is cool.
dreaming of anyone
Eh, last line is useless filler. Can be cut without losing anything from the piece.

these long coastlines were merely curves for groping
i was never alone but i was always lonely
First line, cool tongue in cheek. Second line, eh, wishy-washy.
across an eager sea
above the deepened leagues
It's like you're scratching and desperate to utilise this setting as some spowerful metaphor or symbolism... but it just doesn't cut it. You can't just get away saying things like "eager sea" and "deepened leagues" and thinking there is meaning for the reader there. They have to tie into the whole piece, so that when you say "eager sea" we know the subtext automatically. Otherwise this just goes down as kinda lame personification. "Deepened leagues", it's not even hinted at why the sea maybe deeper? What's the significane? What do you really mean? The effort for subtlety is there but the execution and backing-up of these ideas is non-existant imo.
i searched for clarity but was just a stone for throwing
now i'm sinking slowly
towards transparency


Ehhhh, for me, you're just trying to be poetic for the sake of being poetic. The ending makes this obvious, there is a lack of care in how each and every word links up to make a whole piece; you mention a storm in the first line that isn't alluded to again... you bring in "smelly dogs" that I have no idea were brought in... there's the longing for home or someone, then the ending is just sinking into "transperancy", whatever you are meaning for that. Fair enough with that if, in the piece, you had been building up this "transparancy", but there isn't anything. Hell, you could have had something cool going with water and transparancy, but that never materialised.

For me, this was fluff. You were writing around the subject rather than about it, and because of that youare hiding behind a wall of these pointless images.

Have a good day, Subway.

/rhyming

#3
i like it, but O_O what was it inspired by??
Sorry if Ive offended some kind of Punk God I should brush up on my Commandments of Punk maybe copy down the Punk Bible a few thousand times so I don't forget again sorry for my error O Punk Master Of All Things That Are Punk .
#4
Jammy, I always appreciate your comments because you absolutely tear my pieces to shreds. I agree with everything you said although i did actually like the smelly dog image haha. I made some changes to try and tie the entire piece together like you said. Hopefully it's a little better. I think it is. Thanks again.

BrandyCross, i found the impetus to write this by listening to the Pink Floyd song of the same name. It's just an instrumental but it really got me inspired.
here, My Dear, here it is
#5
I like your thought process, I love the images; some of the lines I love, but the rest of it just felt like it was placed there for the sake of poetry. Jammy pretty much hit it. You've got a beautiful head and a lot of skill in bringing it to words, but this doesn't do it much justice in comparison to what I've seen from you before... Which is fine really. Not everything anyone write can be brilliant, no matter how brilliant the thought or the person behind the thought may be.

keep writing, let me know when something really grips you. i'd be thrilled to read what you come up with when the time's right.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#6
Thanks. I don't know, there is a definite purpose behind these images. I didn't write them because I thought they sounded poetic, I wrote them because they held some meaning in me, they carried my emotions. I guess it's my job as a writer to translate those emotions to the reader and I guess I failed in that respect. It's weird though: the pieces I dislike the most seem to get the most praise and the ones I put a lot of myself into (such as this one) come off as an uninspired writing exercise.
here, My Dear, here it is
#7
It's not the images or the thoughts that I'm talking about; like I said before, the thoughts behind all of this are as lovely and gorgeous as anything else you think of. It's just that a lot of the writing you've been doing, especially lately, is more based on these feelings and images rather than lines you thought of specifically. That's how it should be, of course, but a lot of times it's not translating the way it should because the thoughts you had either didn't naturally come out as lines in your head or the words used just don't do justice. It's easy to feel that your thoughts are properly portrayed when you read your own writing because, well, you know what you were thinking and how you meant it... But put by itself it might not have as much depth as anticipated.

I guess all I can say is that if you had to put a lot of time and effort into making your thoughts into words, don't write about it at that time. Let it ruminate and take its own place into words as time goes on... It will have more of a genuine feel. Some of the writing that you probably didn't put a lot of effort into because it just kind of came off might end up sounding/working better because of just that - it just worked, and since the pieces fit without much effort or preconceived though there wasn't much of a gap between thought and presentation.

wow reading through that I use many of the same words over and over again I'm sure you get what I'm saying. I'm not doubting that anything behind this was filler, but a lot of times the simple wording of things (especially in rhyming poems) can take something with depth and make it any other pretty image.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#8
I know that Jamie gave you a very in depth critique, and you edited some of it already, but I wanted to add something, that is actually relevant to most of your pieces, poetry or lyrics.

A few points I've been noticing about your writing -

You seem to be loving the coordinating conjunctions way too much and avoiding the surrounding conjunctions like a plague, which I think only hurts your ability to express what you have to say. There is almost never any references to time in your writing, as in this piece, which makes even the most down to earth descriptions seem like they are torn out of reality, time and space.

You have a great way in describing things from a very new and fresh perspective, but it falters for me, when I can't connect to it, the reason being that there are all these elements coming together to create a beautiful picture - but it all disappears when the piece ends with hardly any impression.

Basically, in a nutshell: I don't believe you. I don't believe the shorelines or the groves, the clouds or the sounds. It's all so detached and far from hitting home. It's unremarkable.

Some of your pieces are scratching my itch at times, but mostly, I think that you're stuck in what you think you're good at, when you can be so much better. You have the skills, or tools, or whatever you want to call it. Now take the next step and hit me.

Sorry about the rant, but I hope it gives you something.
This is not a pipe
#9
I really appreciate everyone trying to help me improve. It really means a lot to me. I'll do my best to, as you said, take it to another level. I guess I need to put myself into the reader's mind a little more to be more effective. Thanks again everybody!
here, My Dear, here it is