#1
yeah, nonsensical images, boring structure, gay, you suck, whatever: i'm bored. (ots.)

from fragile skies that hang above
fiery fields & feasts of ghosts,
sparks of white descend each day,
girding life with olive spray

in growing spirals about our souls:
oh, fairy bits & how they glow!
the Earth, it cracks, from highest peaks;
golden winds now follow me.

around drunken boats on ocean floors
my voice, soaked in last night's tears,
is lifted out its tomb and back to me.

circuses, crazy, they blast inside!
& your eyes outshine the light of the sun
- the bells in our hearts tremble the world.
Last edited by cubs at Dec 23, 2009,
#2
Nonsensical yes, But it works. I love the image "
in growing spirals about our souls:
oh, fairy bits & how they glow!


It's really quite crazy, I love it
Blinded by the exertions of man
I stumble through the haze of modern malfunctions


Dropping myself into darkness
#3
beautiful writing, but I'm drawing a blank as to what I'm supposed to be feeling here. There was no connection and all that stuff I could write volumes about, but I won't. If this was just meant to be pretty words, then it did its job. If not, then I'm not feeling whatever's there.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#4
totall randomn awesome nonsense, love it
Sorry if Ive offended some kind of Punk God I should brush up on my Commandments of Punk maybe copy down the Punk Bible a few thousand times so I don't forget again sorry for my error O Punk Master Of All Things That Are Punk .
#5
yeah, nonsensical images, boring structure, gay, you suck, whatever: i'm bored. (ots.)

www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#6
Thanks everyone!

Major Bob: hence the warning at the beginning ;p thank you

Ganoosh: it us understandable that you feel that way. i admit one of the problems i have is being able to put myself into the mind of the reader. it might all make sense in my head, but evidently sometimes it doesn't in the reader's head. i will be working on this, though. thanks for reading

BrandyCross (ZanasCross? ), thank you.

something_vague: why are the adjetives such a problem? i mean "fragile," it adds vulnerability to the skies, removing such glorifying aura, it mortalizes them. "golden," really? bright, heavenly, beautiful, divine. doesn't seem that hard to me. - this writing was greatly influenced by french symbolism and decadent movement: the synesthesia-like images and confusion of poets of the era inspired this poem. I even made an allusion to Arthur Rimbaud's 100 verse poem The Drunken Boat somewhere in the third stanza, which you particularly seem to have detested (or perhaps missed.) also, i know it probably seems like i was trying to hard to be a "poet" or whatever, but no. i actually didn't consciouly think of that and just let myself go loosely explore images in my head, using words that fit with what i had in mind. even if it doesn't appear to make much sense they somewhat capture my thoughts. whatever they mean. it is clear that this wasn't a well-though out solid masterpiece, just a fun ots ya kno? - i really appreciate your comments, though. i will get back to you. lol, that's like the first time i've ever seen you doing a full crit. EDIT: i was gonna crit your concrete poetry thing piece, but its closed.

i may work more on this.

anyone who wants a crit raise your hand and say yeah! leave links too.
Last edited by cubs at Dec 23, 2009,
#7
heyyyy i have NOTHING to do with Zanas, i barely even know him :P
just my first and last name
Sorry if Ive offended some kind of Punk God I should brush up on my Commandments of Punk maybe copy down the Punk Bible a few thousand times so I don't forget again sorry for my error O Punk Master Of All Things That Are Punk .
#8
Quote by cubs
Thanks everyone!

Major Bob: hence the warning at the beginning ;p thank you

Ganoosh: it us understandable that you feel that way. i admit one of the problems i have is being able to put myself into the mind of the reader. it might all make sense in my head, but evidently sometimes it doesn't in the reader's head. i will be working on this, though. thanks for reading

BrandyCross (ZanasCross? ), thank you.

something_vague: why are the adjetives such a problem? i mean "fragile," it adds vulnerability to the skies, removing such glorifying aura, it mortalizes them. "golden," really? bright, heavenly, beautiful, divine. doesn't seem that hard to me. - this writing was greatly influenced by french symbolism and decadent movement: the synesthesia-like images and confusion of poets of the era inspired this poem. I even made an allusion to Arthur Rimbaud's 100 verse poem The Drunken Boat somewhere in the third stanza, which you particularly seem to have detested (or perhaps missed.) also, i know it probably seems like i was trying to hard to be a "poet" or whatever, but no. i actually didn't consciouly think of that and just let myself go loosely explore images in my head, using words that fit with what i had in mind. even if it doesn't appear to make much sense they somewhat capture my thoughts. whatever they mean. it is clear that this wasn't a well-though out solid masterpiece, just a fun ots ya kno? - i really appreciate your comments, though. i will get back to you. lol, that's like the first time i've ever seen you doing a full crit.

anyone who wants a crit raise your hand and say yeah! leave links too.



See you answered your own question, when you make an adjective you need to explain essentially why you used it. Just saying an adjective doesn't give you imagery. Here's an example of what you did and why I think it's wrong:

from fragile skies that hang above
fiery fields & feasts of ghosts,
sparks of white descend each day,
girding life with olive spray

There is no detail on any of the images. Fragile gives nothing to the reader at all. Despite what you may think, so what you need to do each time you use an adjective is think: "Does this add depth to my piece." and if it does, you need to take more time describing the skies, because saying fragile doesn't give me anything because it's so vague of a description.

You may disagree but, next time you write exercise using very little adjectives and when you do, go indepth, really flesh out the description of what you're saying, because here you aren't saying anything.

Those words you've attrited to those adjectives are simply more adjectives, you need the reader to make objective associations with your descriptions, otherwise the image you see in your head is pointless.

Anyone from the piece you've written could say, that simply by using the word fragile with no reason around for why you've used this word can imply that the sky is glass, peanut brittle, a burnt tortilla. Any of those aren't wrong, because the imagery is fragile, all of those things are fragile. So you've got to wittle it down, describe why the skies are fragile looking. That is the key to excellent description and people just refuse to listen.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#9
yeahhh... just write. what the hell. fuck this shit, i'm tired of having to write something potentially glorious whenever i post and that's why I hate this place sometimes

you right, the images are nonsensical but theyre interesting at least
yeah your structure is boring but whatever
write something good when you actually feel like it
at least this was interesting.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#11
aight, i see what you are saying now.

vintage: **** yes.
Last edited by cubs at Dec 23, 2009,
#12
no, not really, but it's interesting to try and figure out why the fuck he wrote about them. this wasn't exactly stimulating but hell, it's something, he wrote it, i'm not meant to give a damn about it and i don't really but at some point and time when i'm sitting in a classroom or watching a movie and my mind wanders, eventually 'oh hey, cubs wrote that one thing one time, olive sprays? eh eh' and that's all some people want at the end of the day
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#13
I really don't see the point in writing something that's nonsensical with no meaning, I mean when you write something it should have meaning to at least you and you should have some inspiration to write. What inspired you to write this? Cuz that's what I like to see, I like to see inspiration and meaning in writing, not something written just for the hell of it.

The writing itself isn't bad. Very beautiful if you don't really look into, but it lacks depth. I agree with Matt some of the adjectives didn't work and it seemed like you felt you needed to use adjectives even when they weren't needed. Drunken boats did absolutely nothing for me and I don't see why you called the winds golden. Idk, I just didn't see meaning and inspiration in the piece.

Thanks Matt, you critique people the way they need to be critiqued. You critique them to help them to get better and that's what this place is missing. I hope to see more of this kind of critiquing.
You and I are mortal, but rock n roll will never die.
#14
again:
"drunken boats" is alluding to a poem by French poet Arthur Rimbaud, who greatly inspired this poem. it was written when he was seventeen and it is probably the reason why Verlaine decided to support his artistic vision.

Le Bateau Ivre en Inglés
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Le_Bateau_ivre

and wow, who are you to say this is non sensical and has no meaning? what the ****? i wrote this. obviously something made me click new thread and write it, there had to be some form of inspiration behind it: whether that be the death of my grandmother, finding a twenty dollar bill on the ground or plain boredom is something different. the "yeah, nonsensical images, boring structure, gay, you suck, whatever" in the OP was just me predicting some of the responses i knew i was gonna get. i did think of what i was saying in a way or another and i don't find the structure boring (it is a lose variation of the sonnet, perhaps the most popular form of classical poetry.) the OP just tells you the comments i expected since this type of shit isn't what someone normally wants when reading poetry.

im really amazed at how you seem to imply i wrote this with no meaning and inspiration behind. how are you supposed to know? i understand if it is non-sensical and meaningless to you. i can comprehend that, i even say i have trouble putting myself in the reader's mind. however, this isn't meaningless or nonsensical to me. i could explain every line if you really wanted to; the inspiration behind it was a girl (surprise!)

edit: lol.
Last edited by cubs at Dec 23, 2009,
#15
I don't question the motive of the writing and why it was written so I'm not going to do that here.

but the fact that everything has to have some meaning behind it is simply pointless. You limit yourself to overused, cliche meanings about how so and so broke up with you last saturday night. This is just an example so don't stress me about that. But this is something I feel is largely the attitude on this forum.

There should be nothing wrong with just writing to conjure a world, however I felt that with this it needs to ring through with the reader and this didn't do it for me. I saw something in these lines:

'around drunken boats on ocean floors
my voice, soaked in last night's tears,
is lifted out its tomb and back to me.'

but I didn't like 'back to me' it looks clumsy.

As a whole with this piece I am looking at a photo album of different holidays you have been on and they are all out of order and scattered.

The reference to Rimbaud, i'm not objecting to it but you are treading a line if they don't recognise it. I would have used 'Les Bateaux ivres' considering he was a french poet. (hope that's the correct plural form)

I enjoyed what I could.
#16
I liked this piece for what it was, it made me smile a little inside.

I'll admit that it loses flow in places but I liked the "olive spray" and "fairy glow" lines.
I appreciate what Something_Vague is saying, but I just enjoyed it as a nice nonsensical OTS - perhaps not the best written and composed piece I've ever read but, as I said, it made me smile.
Just thought I'd let you know.
#17
Haha, pretty much everything I write is about a girl, but that's because I'm a dumb teenager. Sorry, I didn't mean to say that you wrote this without any meaning, I just meant to say that when I look at writing I like to be able to see a central theme, I want to be able to see what inspired whatever message is being displayed. I wasn't able to see the outlying theme, but that was just me I guess. I'm sorry, I didn't mean that you wrote without any inspiration or meaning, I shouldn't have said that, I guess I just didn't see it.

But I did like most of the piece from a literature standpoint, like I said it was very beautiful and it created some good imagery. I look forward to reading more from you.
You and I are mortal, but rock n roll will never die.
#18
"yeah, nonsensical images, boring structure, gay, you suck, whatever: i'm bored. (ots.)"

um, you set this poem up as a piece of poetry that is not meant to be taken seriously, so why should I try to find any hidden meaning here. this intro, the primary frame (aside from the title) through which your audience will see the piece proper, makes it seem like you as the author does not care. and again, if you don't care why should we? seems trivial and stupid but I can guarantee it does make a difference.

that aside I like this quite a bit. wanna say more but I gotta run.