#1
white walls; cost familiar scenes
shaking to a dance next door, couch
stuck and sore thumbs from sucking,
watch out the window at a women
waiting at the corner on the bus stop
pass, if I eye her.
pass...if I eye her down the block
walking foot first with a head caught
in some cherry colored clouds, behind
a skyscraper sits a sun, waiting to
be plucked as if a bee from a hollyhock.
and like a fish caught in the wire mesh of
my inner mind, i saw a dark colored boy
step out on the porch and eyeball her down
until she turned a corner onto to Brown St.
Lookt at me, peering such as an Owl waiting
for a small rodent to scurry on the ground or a
cat in heat biting the neck of another one sleeping,
he lookt at me from the street and i backed off
the blinds and let them snap up and back into
their natural state.

went back to
time alone, in a bedroom fully coaxed to have dreamt of her
same dark face like a mouse skittering on a hay stacked
street and as I sleep and kept feeling the pressure of
an unknown presence and i wanted to think it was her
laying on top just kissing and me; trying to
peak down her blouse and at her breasts,
But I regress, there wasn't a place or a time where
that'd happen, I could forget that young black man with the face
painted aggresive, industrious and
territorial-- nevermind the sun or the sky or the
party next door, I've a mind for daydreaming and
thumbs having been sucked sore.
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Last edited by Something_Vague at Dec 24, 2009,
#2
Quote by Something_Vague
white walls; cost familar scenes
shaking to a dance next door, couch
stuck and sore thumbs from sucking,
watch out the window at a women
waiting at the corner on the bus stop
pass, if I eye her.
pass...if I eye her down the block
walking foot first with a head caught
in some cherry coloured clouds, behind
a skyscrapper sits a sun, waiting to
be plucked as if a bee from a hollyhock.

it starts somewhat choppy: this, this, that, this. it is not clear, in the first few lines, if the narration is in first person or by an omniscent narrator. we only find out that it is first person narrative until after you introduce the other character, which seems a bit odd, but ok. i will assume is probably to mimick the nature of the narrator's thought proccess. you probably meant "woman" instead of "women." - the pass, if i eye her, if you intended it how i percieve it it really works great. though, if not, i'm not really sure what you were going for: a possible play on "pacifier?" if thats the case it just seems kind of lame, w.e. the comparison between the sun and the bee is quirky. i enjoyed it, but i'm not sure what the point of the sun is. well, actually yeah, it shows a sense of unity and closure when you allude to it in the following stanza, but is that it? or is there an actual point to note the sun in a skyscrapper. i like this in the way that i feel it expands from the narrators mind to its surroundings and then it shrinks back to it. good job on that.

time alone, in a bedroom - dreamt of her
laying on top just kissing and me; trying to
peak down her blouse and at her breasts,
But I regress, there isn't a place or a time where
it'll happen, nevermind the sun or the sky or the
party next door, I've a mind for daydreaming and
thumbs sucking sore.

the pace of the whole thing was enjoyable, really. you have a great understanding of events, time and execution of ideas. it seems as if you had a clear idea in your mind before writing this. as if you did an outline before writing it. now that i think about it, i really like this. no complains on the ending. it was a pleasurable read.



i can't help but to think of you as a short-story writer or something similar more than a poet. this doesn't really read like typical poetry. i'm actually curious to see what you come up with if you were asked to write a sonnet or any other strict forms of poetry.
besides the content of this. i think you really need to go over punctuation rules. i know you dont care about that, but it can be annoying: commas where periods should be, semi-colons, sentences that seem to go on forever, etc. I would love to read something of bigger lenght from you.
#3
From the use of it in the very first line, you just knew you'd end the piece with a rhyme. Saw it coming.

Which for me as a whole was a synecdoche of the piece. At times interesting (bee/hollyhock) and totally you (pass/pass), I think the second stanza was a little juvenile, a little immature, and a lot less tantalizing to get my teeth into.

Not that it was the sort of piece that had a lot to dig my teeth into anyway - fairly shallow, much like both the narrator and the girl central to the piece (it would seem). Both the beginning and the ending hold that feeling of impatience, twiddling-your-thumbs sort of style. But in between is a lot of fluff, that goes a bit more on the whiny side and desperate.

You try and reap it back with the "I regress", which is somethign that is almost clever but for me doesn't bring the piece back enough to that ugly assonance of the opening; I don't think you really get back to that feeling until the end line, and then again that's only because the same words are used.

I think you could have built on the first stanza more and gone a little deeper with it; yes, you are commenting only on that top skin layer, that sour skin, but it would be nice if there was something a little fleshier that I could take away, something more.

That's what I was after once I'd finished the read, anyhow.

Have a good day.
#4
The first thing I noticed is I would probably place the skyscraper/sun part earlier. It's a great line, but it's out of place. I also noticed there are several misspellings, though it's unclear whether that was intentional. The ones I noted are "at a women," incorrect spelling of the word "peak," unless it was used to suggest sexual overtones, and also "skyscrapper," which could be a neologism, but it doesn't seem that way.

I also mostly liked the first stanza more than the second. The first dwelled in the realm of impossibility, and the second was menial.

Though I didn't feel like it hampered the piece entirely, there is a slight feeling of hipster, Angelino poetry here. Girls on street corners, desperate desire, infancy, unnecessary British spelling of the word "color," hip parties. Sort of reminds me of a twenty-something indie kid, wearing Ray Bans, carrying a Nietzsche text, and listening to Radiohead.

I don't feel like the piece was bad at all. In fact, it was well written, it just didn't make my head spin.
Last edited by Chaingarden at Dec 23, 2009,
#5
Quote by Something_Vague
white walls; cost familar scenes
the semicolon in the first line feels abrupt, it's difficult to get a grasp on the pace of the piece as it starts that way
shaking to a dance next door, couch
phrased kind of awkwardly
stuck and sore thumbs from sucking,
watch out the window at a woman
'watch' reads oddly in the midst of all the '-ing' verbs
waiting at the corner on the bus stop
pass, if I eye her.
pass...if I eye her down the block
I'm not sure I understand what the purpose was in wording it that way. Perhaps I'm not understanding the manner of the thought process you are trying to create but it's difficult to imagine someone thinking this, through speech or visually or spatially, in his mind
walking foot first with a head caught
in some cherry coloured clouds, behind
a skyscraper sits a sun, waiting to
be plucked as if a bee from a hollyhock.
images in the previous handful of lines are interesting but I'm finding it difficult to fit their purposes into the piece. Was it supposed to give the woman an almost dreamlike, unattainable quality? I'll continue to reread but as of now I'm lost to it

time alone, in a bedroom - dreamt of her
laying on top just kissing and me; trying to
peak down her blouse and at her breasts,
good, not overtly sexual but still shows the narrator's loneliness and lack of anything intimate for a while, as well as the inability of him to look at this as anything of value
But I regress, there isn't a place or a time where
it'll happen, nevermind the sun or the sky or the
The mentioning of the sun and sky again still hold little meaning because the initial mention of them didn't give off much value
party next door, I've a mind for daydreaming and
thumbs sucking sore.

This poem has some interesting elements... The flow, where present, adds a nice pace to the writing and there is some good character development in a short amount of space (a party being next door that the narrator is not attending, a simple acceptance of being at the lower social level of romance, staring at people through the windows and yet never having anyone around, etc). However, it was difficult to really get into this. Things were either very relatable or not at all, had a consistent flow or was choppy and awkward; the stark difference in some ideas in relation to others took away from the overall effect of the piece.


If you plan on returning crits (I don't really mind if you choose not to in my case) I'd appreciate one on a piece I wrote earlier titled 'dhikra'. I have another one lying somewhere on the first page but it's not really of importance; have your pick, or don't, whatever.
Quote by Arthur Curry
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theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
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#6
Thank you everyone, I greatly appreciate the crits. I realise the second stanza is hardly any good in comparison to the 1st. i will be returning them if you leave a link.
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#8
On the contrary I like the second stanza better. The first was too hard to follow for me in a sense that the words didn't paint an image of anything that I could latch onto to decipher what the 2nd stanza summed up.

What?
Poor advice.
#11
the second stanza may lack the more carefully-constructed imagery and style of the first, but i feel like it really hits tonally. i appreciated the sigh of defeat and pull back to reality, in the fact the idea of leaving a daydream may even suit the more pared down, barer-bones style of the stanza. it feels like less, because it is less. i don't like the 'and' between 'down her blouse' and 'at her breasts'. it just reads clunky to me, though i understand how much it improves the flow, i honestly couldn't tell you how to fix it.

edit:

just missed that one.
#13
Second version is much better. A lot has changed though.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja