#1
This house is full of holes, these walls are full of cracks with frames for broken windows, broken eardrums, broken backs, the tiles are chipped and bloody and the welcome mat is liable to slip and this is my house - 'cause me father gave me it.

Every single tap is dripping, every single sink is smashed, the slates from off the roof are all still lying where they crashed onto the ground after a long fall, the yard's a total tip but I tell ya, this is my house - 'cause me father gave me it.

The mould's engulfed the wallpaper and half the carpet too, the floorboards all are rotted and the ceiling's coming through, if it all collapsed on top of me I wouldn't give a shit - I'd still be proud 'cause this is my house and me father gave me it.
#2
This piece didn't really do much for me. I hoping that a piece with this concept would have some great imagery, but I didn't get that at all. You just told about the house, stated facts about, but you could've shown us the house, used great imagery that would make us be able to picture the house the way you do. You just told us what was wrong with it, but I wanted to SEE what is wrong with it.

Its got definite potential, I think you should keep working on and try show us the house by using good imagery. Good Luck.
You and I are mortal, but rock n roll will never die.
#3
As said above, this piece has a lot of potential but you could definitely do more with it. You kind of just said 'This is a shitty ass house but it's my dad's so I am proud'... It's absolutely fine for a theme to the poem but that's literally all it said. Maybe you could add more depth to it by saying things you might hae done in the house as a child, why it is the way it is, what your father was like, anything that isn't just the condition of the house and that you're still proud of it.

Regardless, it's still a nice little read. While saying the same thing, the description remained interesting. Thanks for the crit earlier.
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#4
i agree with vintage, cool writting, but, gets kinda, same old same old,...
Sorry if Ive offended some kind of Punk God I should brush up on my Commandments of Punk maybe copy down the Punk Bible a few thousand times so I don't forget again sorry for my error O Punk Master Of All Things That Are Punk .
#5
Right, evidently this needs a little explaining.
Whereas I appreciate what you've said, I don't think you've understood what this piece is about (which is, most likely, my fault).
This piece isn't really about the guy's house, or about the guy's father - which is why I've not used any imagery or elaborated beyond simple statements concerning them.

What I really wrote this piece to be is an attack on the sort of mentality that the narrator has. Clearly he has no reason to be proud of this house - pretty much everything that can be wrong with a house is wrong with it. Be he's still proud. And the only reason he's proud is that the house was his father's (a father who was most likely nothing to be proud of in the first place). Which is plain stupid, really.

I don't really like having to explain things like this, but I felt I had to let you know.
I'm not saying I'm unwilling to change anything, however, so feel free to insist that I really do need some imagery or explanation somewhere (or let me know about an other gaping holes in my writing).

Cheers!