#1
I can feel the maggots
replacing my blood cells
with hints of the sweet smelling
dumpster where we were so beautiful.

Rivers of mascara over fields of torn flesh
as your innocent tears wash over me
and you plead for me to stop
just shut up, shut up.

Pills are simply another way to kill time
distort reality, distort the killing process
guilt is just another costume
that's easily taken off.

A young girl's innocence stolen
Licking your blood off my fingers
because I can't wash off the shame
or the self-pity alone in my bed.
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#2
dude...emo much... ;P
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#3
Quote by Wulphy
I can feel the maggots
replacing my blood cells good
with hints of the sweet smelling
dumpster where we were so beautiful.
this first stanza definitely caught my attention; the maggot image is chilling and the sweet dumpster description gave way to the twisted perception of the narrator

Rivers of mascara over fields of torn flesh
as your innocent tears wash over me
and you plead for me to stop
just shut up, shut up.
'over' is overused (pun unintended... eghhh) and 'shut up' could have been more effective standing alone; the italics make it sound like it was produced rather than a direct thought process

Pills are simply another way to kill time
distort reality, distort the killing process
guilt is just another costume
that's easily taken off.
you should try and lead more into this idea (it's kind of just stuck in there) and maybe vamp up the imagery; the vibrancy is waning as the stanzas continue

A young girl's innocence stolen cliche
Licking your blood off my fingers
because I can't wash off the shame
or the self-pity alone in my bed.
you could probably develop this more rather than just flat out stating 'shame' and 'self-pity'. the licking of blood off the fingers was a start but i wish you had followed through with the strong imagery you began with; don't give your character away so easily, it wont be relatable

This was eerie and has potential, but it could definitely be given some oomph. Don't rely on the subject matter to generate shock but rather how you portray it
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#4
This was very chilling, but pretty good. It could use a little more something, though. I think you could another verse between the second and third, because you kinda just jumped the whole drug subject. I think it would help if you found a more subtle way to introduce you character, you kinda just gave him away in one line. But overall pretty good, the flow was pretty good also. Nice work.
You and I are mortal, but rock n roll will never die.
#5
It was written right, not really my style of lyrics but you had some good vocabulary and i dont see the meaning of the song, unless its really just..portraying a diary etc
#6
It felt contrived to me. It felt like there was as much filthy imagery as possible, and was very much a Hollywood portrayal of a sociopath. I would find it a little more effective if it were less direct. Often, the scariest/most unsettling things are what you don't hear, or what are only alluded to. Being brooding can be effective, but only when done in a mature and subtle manner. I'm not getting the overwhelming feeling that this is either.

I remember in my second year of college, I took a poetry class, and came to my teacher with a poem about an antisocial personality type of guy. Being the jaded, edgy college student I thought I was, I thought it was a grotesque masterpiece. He literally laughed in my face. "I'm sorry, I just can't take it seriously. There's no subtlety. It must have taken so much planning, but so little effort. It would be like if I asked you to set the mood for a romantic night, and you ripped your pants off."

I also felt the title was cliché and off-putting. Kind of like when teenagers find out for the first time that serial killers are cool.

It's not terrible, but it feels like a Cannibal Corpse song, just less gross. Serial killers are a cool premise, but only when they're not presented in the same setting as they always are. I'd say keep the serial killer, but put him in a different light. Show him from a different angle that no one else has. I promise you'll end up with a more arresting piece.