#1
"Applepits"

How can I spin a web of thoughts
That never give a moment's loss
From a spinning, tumbling child's box of letter blocks
Ready for assembly as the army of God's tongue?

Consonants are proud and haughty bricks,
With brows that house the authorship like applepits.
Vowels are the women's veil;
Their footwork swift, they lightly dance from within the lips,
Slinking out and feathering down
Slimming in and wearing thin
Still steady grip like applepits.
Haughty, though their footwork swift
The bricks and veils lightly dance like feathers in the lips,
Wearing down the slimming grips that house the slinking brows
And bringing close to authorship;
Making sense of applepits.
Last edited by Chaingarden at Dec 24, 2009,
#2
I like this. It gets a little murky at the end, though. In the first stanza, "spin" and "spinning" are awfully close together. Depending on the pace of this, it sounds a bit awkward. I'm not sure about the apple pits motif, though. What exactly are the apple pits supposed to symbolize? The term flows well enough, but I'm not sold on it.
When crying don't help
You can't compose yourself
It's best to compose a poem
An honest verse of longing
Or a simple song of hope...
#3
I intentionally made this one a little vague. When I did this, I sort of asked myself, "how can I write something that's aesthetically beautiful, without directly meaning anything?" I actually wanted this to appeal to as wide an audience as possible, so I didn't want to leave the possibility open for someone to get the feeling that "I don't agree with that, so I'm not sure I like the words." I suppose if there is a meaning to the poem, it's an account of how individual pieces can come together to make a whole, in this case, letters to make words, to make a poem.
#6
I felt like this was too detached from itself, when you say things like "the lips" or "the brows", I feel like a.) you're trying too hard to be poetic. I've done the exact same thing before as well, describing body parts with "the". or b.) I'm watching a documentary on animal planet that's describing in detail the eating habits of the brown-backed __________(insert animal name), and it's just too far away from what you're talking about to make me feel it. It doesn't connect because it's so detached. It's more human feeling if you say my lips or her lips or his lips or your lips, anybodys lips just not the lips.

When you said you were writing something simply to write something beautiful, then it confirmed that yes, this was too detached from itself. You need to rethink the meaning of beauty; is beauty made of pretty words and poetic phrasing, or is it something else? Maybe it's something that connects with us so deeply and intimately we fall in love with it and never want to let it go. Maybe it's the thing that breaks our hearts as soon as we rip them out to hand them to it. I think it's anything but just pretty words. I think you got so wrapped up in trying to wow us with the beauty of this that you forgot about the very people you were trying to wow. It needs to not only be pretty, but it needs to make a connection and if you make it vague on purpose then it's not only not going to appeal to as wide an audience as possible like you said you wanted to do, it's going to appeal to nobody if not a very very little amount of people.


Make it relatable and you will be making it beautiful by default.

Also, this is just a preference but I think you need to work on your use of punctuation. A comma or full stop placed in the right spot can make a line beautiful, just as a comma used in bad taste can ruin a piece entirely. If you have too many commas like I think you do, there are just too many pauses and it interrupts the flow too much. There are places where you could take out the comma and it would make the whole line incredibly fluid. The major one I'm talking about: Slimming in and wearing thin. I absolutely hated the comma in the middle of that line. Yeah, I feel like an idiot talking about punctuation so much when it seems so trivial a thing, but whatever.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#7
Quote by Ganoosh
I felt like this was too detached from itself, when you say things like "the lips" or "the brows", I feel like a.) you're trying too hard to be poetic. I've done the exact same thing before as well, describing body parts with "the". or b.) I'm watching a documentary on animal planet that's describing in detail the eating habits of the brown-backed __________(insert animal name), and it's just too far away from what you're talking about to make me feel it. It doesn't connect because it's so detached. It's more human feeling if you say my lips or her lips or his lips or your lips, anybodys lips just not the lips.

When you said you were writing something simply to write something beautiful, then it confirmed that yes, this was too detached from itself. You need to rethink the meaning of beauty; is beauty made of pretty words and poetic phrasing, or is it something else? Maybe it's something that connects with us so deeply and intimately we fall in love with it and never want to let it go. Maybe it's the thing that breaks our hearts as soon as we rip them out to hand them to it. I think it's anything but just pretty words. I think you got so wrapped up in trying to wow us with the beauty of this that you forgot about the very people you were trying to wow. It needs to not only be pretty, but it needs to make a connection and if you make it vague on purpose then it's not only not going to appeal to as wide an audience as possible like you said you wanted to do, it's going to appeal to nobody if not a very very little amount of people.


Make it relatable and you will be making it beautiful by default.

Also, this is just a preference but I think you need to work on your use of punctuation. A comma or full stop placed in the right spot can make a line beautiful, just as a comma used in bad taste can ruin a piece entirely. If you have too many commas like I think you do, there are just too many pauses and it interrupts the flow too much. There are places where you could take out the comma and it would make the whole line incredibly fluid. The major one I'm talking about: Slimming in and wearing thin. I absolutely hated the comma in the middle of that line. Yeah, I feel like an idiot talking about punctuation so much when it seems so trivial a thing, but whatever.


Wonderful crit, thank you!