#1
Calm down this wont take long now...

I've reached a point where I'd rather be lied to,
ignorance is bliss and my world is such a mess,
why would i want the truth?,
this is all too much to bear,
I wish I could wash this away,
lay down and say a final prayer.

I've done so much to only get screwed,
well honey I've got some horrible news,
its too late for me, its too late for you,
now I know what I gotta do.

So I draw my curtains against the day,
sit in this empty room and waste away.

Delight and Anger courses through my veins,
in the wake of this tragedy they wain,
a million broken memories and a million shattered dreams,
a million unspoken words in this wasteland so serene...


so what do you think? C4C and all that jazz
In diesem Herz hab ich die Macht.

Gear:
Fender MIM HSS Strat (Wine Red)
VOX Valvetronix VT20+
Kay K390 Acoustic
#2
If I said I was struck speechless would that help ya out?

I don't know, I'm not trying to overly flattering or anything, but the way you said things, especially in the last stanza... it was so parralell to things I've though in my head a hundred times but never found the way to put into a perfect set of lyrics, like I feel you kind of have here.

Leave the constructive criticism to others and leave my thoughts at: I Like This period
#3
Quote by IROn 5L1nKY
If I said I was struck speechless would that help ya out?

I don't know, I'm not trying to overly flattering or anything, but the way you said things, especially in the last stanza... it was so parralell to things I've though in my head a hundred times but never found the way to put into a perfect set of lyrics, like I feel you kind of have here.

Leave the constructive criticism to others and leave my thoughts at: I Like This period


Thank you for the confidence boost, I was kinda worried about what people would think.
In diesem Herz hab ich die Macht.

Gear:
Fender MIM HSS Strat (Wine Red)
VOX Valvetronix VT20+
Kay K390 Acoustic
#4
Confidence boost was much deserved. This was great! The title really drew me in lol. I loved the second stanza! I kept reading it over and over again. The third stanza was really well written as well. This seems like it would go with my kinda music, hardcore. (or something else ending in core) Again, really great work and thanks for the crit on my piece.
Quote by turd_ferguson
[0:17] If my parents knew I was part of a group who celebrated christmas by drinking cough syrup they would probably cry

WEATHERER, the greatest band ever.
#5
Thoroughly enjoyed this! Its very reminiscent of Devil Wears Prada - so I applaud you for that. I liked the sense of empowerment it gave throughout the seemingly hopeless situation of our collapsing world. I enjoy topics like these, and wouldve given this perfect score if it elaborated on the problems of the world.

Thanks for looking at "I Know Love" - much appreciated
#6
Quote by sporkface
Calm down this wont take long now...
I've reached a point where I'd rather be lied to,
ignorance is bliss and my world is such a mess,
why would i want the truth?,
this is all too much to bear,
I wish I could wash this away,
lay down and say a final prayer.
Line four is massively cliche. The last two aren't great either, as I find them to be cliche as well. The rest is alright.


I've done so much to only get screwed,
well honey I've got some horrible news,
its too late for me, its too late for you,
now I know what I gotta do.
The rhyming ruins any hope this had. I feel they're not really clever or that they fit. Beyond that, I think the ideas here are cliche as well.

So I draw my curtains against the day,
sit in this empty room and waste away.
Cliche.

Delight and Anger courses through my veins,
in the wake of this tragedy they wain,
a million broken memories and a million shattered dreams,
a million unspoken words in this wasteland so serene...
This stanza is the best, by far. Not cliche, not amazing. I'd watch the rhyming though.


I don't mean to ruin your confidence boost, but I can't lie. This was meh. One thing that you have to know, though, is that I pretty much hate rhyming unless its very clever and well-executed. That being said, I hope this helps out
#7
Quote by hippieboy444
I don't mean to ruin your confidence boost, but I can't lie. This was meh. One thing that you have to know, though, is that I pretty much hate rhyming unless its very clever and well-executed. That being said, I hope this helps out


Thank you.I love when people are really tough on what I've written, it just drives me to be better. I wish there were more people like you.
In diesem Herz hab ich die Macht.

Gear:
Fender MIM HSS Strat (Wine Red)
VOX Valvetronix VT20+
Kay K390 Acoustic
#8
I've done so much to only get screwed,
well honey I've got some horrible news,
its too late for me, its too late for you,
now I know what I gotta do.


^ I would agree that the rhyming on this seems unnecesary and doesn't really work for your piece (it kind works against it)

Although I would be cautious in how many of the other parts labeled "cliched", because to be honest it's kind of hard to write things about this topic without seeming at least a little cliched.
#10
WOW, this is great, its like a mass of extreme potential just piled into one, my advice, take it, polish it up , and have a masterpeice
Sorry if Ive offended some kind of Punk God I should brush up on my Commandments of Punk maybe copy down the Punk Bible a few thousand times so I don't forget again sorry for my error O Punk Master Of All Things That Are Punk .