#1
i'm a machinist
and a masochist;
you and i are not post-industrial enough
so i climax on the peaks of conveyor belts
with the pitiless fibers of sheet metal
freezing my bare flesh.
i wring my neck with frayed wires and
lick the orifices of electrical sockets;
i revel in the warmth of the blowtorch
as my eyelids are welded over.
only then i'm sent slowly down the assembly line,
encased with cellophane and boxed in cardboard,
shipped off in a truck and
placed directly on your doorstep.
happy anniversary babe,
i got you what you always wanted:
me
with all the bells and whistles included to
prove my devotion.
do you love it?
do you love me?
let me make special anniversary love to you
with the faint expectation that it'll feel different this time,
that you'll finally reciprocate the effort.
because as much as i get off from seeing you happy,
we're still not post-industrial enough
and one of these days,
my custom-made love for you
is going to kill me.
here, My Dear, here it is
#2
I really liked it. Not much else to say. I loved the theme and the imagery and I thought it was really unique.
#3
i'm a machinist
and a masochist;

The transition here doesn't seem to work. It's too abrupt, especially at such an early point in the piece. The third line reads as if the first two never happened, when really they're directly related. I know it's not as tidy as a semicolon, but personally I'd prefer a "but" or "though" in between.

you and i are not post-industrial enough
so i climax on the peaks of conveyor belts
with the pitiless fibers of sheet metal
freezing my bare flesh.
i wring my neck with frayed wires and
lick the orifices of electrical sockets;
i revel in the warmth of the blowtorch
as my eyelids are welded over.

I questioned at first whether "revel" was a good word choice, but then considered the overall context and it made more sense.

only then i'm sent slowly down the assembly line,
encased with cellophane and boxed in cardboard,
shipped off in a truck and
placed directly on your doorstep.
happy anniversary babe,
i got you what you always wanted:
me
with all the bells and whistles included to
prove my devotion.
do you love it?
do you love me?

The previous six lines became predictable and felt pretty weak compared to the rest. Also the suggestion that you are what she always wanted doesn't really fit with the idea later on that you have to put forth so much effort and she's not willing to do the same.

let me make special anniversary love to you
with the faint expectation that it'll feel different this time,
that you'll finally reciprocate the effort.
because as much as i get off from seeing you happy,
we're still not post-industrial enough
and one of these days,
my custom-made love for you
is going to kill me.

The ending pulls it back on track.

This wasn't groundbreaking, but it got the point across in a relatable way. I enjoyed it for the most part.

Hopefully something of what I said made sense. I'm trying to get back into the habit of critting.

#4
Pretty good, the lyrics themselves reminded me of coldplay and Elysia, it was a different way to approach the song and wouldnt have expected it, the first two lines sound really.. evil or something.

i can really picture everything youve written in my head.
I really liked the lyrics, they sound like something id listen to
#5
the whole post-industrial thing was clever enough I guess, it was solidly written, masochism is just...masochism...

But the problem with this is that it just didn't pack enough of a punch to really make me like this. I guess I like it because it has enough of the ingredients that you need to throw together to come out with a decent poem, but it's just...I don't know. Stale. I feel like this is a paraphrase of something I've read or thought or seen or heard about somewhere, and I'm not saying it's cliche by any means, but it's something entirely different and I think stale is indeed the best word for what I'm feeling here. Your words spoke to me but they didn't really say anything, if that makes sense. Me liking this piece is like being at a funeral and crying because I know I should be sad, not because I am.

Honestly, I'm too ignorant in the ways of writing anything at all to even know why this made me feel the way it did, I just know it did and I do. I don't know really, I just wasn't a fan of this. Maybe I'm not in the right mood, maybe it's christmas and I'm just bleh right now, maybe maybe I don't know. Merry ****ing christmas.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Last edited by Ganoosh at Dec 25, 2009,
#6
I didn't like the first two lines. They felt unnecessary and made the transition to lines 3 and on weird. The six lines between 'happy anniversary babe' and 'let me make special anniversary love to you' were either unnecessary or cliche. I think the rest was pretty good.

edit-link below
Last edited by hippieboy444 at Dec 26, 2009,
#7
Thanks y'all. I agree about those six lines in the middle. I seem to have trouble with being consistent throughout an entire piece. There always seems to be a lull somewhere in all of my pieces.

Leave me some links and I'll get back to you guys.
here, My Dear, here it is
#8
This was so interesting. I really love how you think. I feel like you overdid the industrial imagery in the beginning though; the point was made long before the description had ended. Still a pleasure to read, just because of your style, but you could clean it up a bit. Especially for a theme like this and how you end it, a more concise and concentrated beginning would make this more powerful.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#10
^Just got yours meng.

And thank you saadia, I'm happy you found this interesting. It was a concern of mine as to whether or not I overdid the whole masochism-machinery imagery in the beginning. I'll go back and iron it out fasho. Grazie
here, My Dear, here it is
#11
Your imagery is iron-clad (if you'll permit the pun). The biting and almost colourless tone, drenched in irony and bitterness matches well with the imagery you've chosen; sheet metal, electricity, cold and lifeless machinery. The "machinist/masochist" part in the first two lines didn't feel abrupt to me. I think I sympathise with your work because it really does fell, to me at least, to be something I'd write (or would write if I wasn't so washed out). A lot of what you say and how you say it and when and where you phrase things connect with me, makes my head go "wow, that's exactly how I would've said it". Anyway, you keep writing, I'll keep reading.
#12
ok, you rule, beyond words, this is my favorite thing you have written, absolute perfection, are you going to record it?? or is it just for visual value??
Sorry if Ive offended some kind of Punk God I should brush up on my Commandments of Punk maybe copy down the Punk Bible a few thousand times so I don't forget again sorry for my error O Punk Master Of All Things That Are Punk .
#13
This struck me as something different. I really enjoyed this piece, the sicker imagery with the sweeter purpose combined to give it a sort of ironic feel. That's how I read it, anyway.

C4C?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1251633
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah