#1
sorry for posting something again so soon but i wrote this a while ago have been itching to get it edited... i don't write prose very often at all and could really use some help. c4c of course, if i havent gotten back to you on something please just pester me until i do
- saadia



That night, we waited as long as we could to go to the pancake place in town just because we knew it was always open. We had gotten kicked out of the library again for studying there too late, laughing at how pathetic we must have seemed to the staff. After stepping outside, I pleaded for you to walk down to the huge Christmas tree at the entrance of campus.
'It's too cold,' you said, but I tugged at your hand and we walked towards it anyway, too drawn to the lights standing stark against the black night. There wasn't a thing moving except for the occasional car down Main St, and even that caught our attention enough to stall conversation for the moment.
We walked under the tree and into the branches. The boughs were thick and hung low, asking to be climbed onto, but further up they grew thinner and thinner, peppered with different colored lights like a child who wanted freckles but only had a pack of washable markers to work with. You could see the metal grid that the lights were mounted on along the tree but we fuzzed our eyes to keep from noticing them. A car came by and parked about 100 ft away; you were paranoid as always and wanted to start walking. We eventually saw a man inside pull out a map and study it, so you watched him for a minute and let it be. Still, you stayed faced in his direction in case anything happened. I just laughed.
We got down from the branches and leaned against the trunk, you holding me like you always do, as if I'd be stolen away from a second of lost concentration. The sentiment wasn't something of greed or fret, just a deep appreciation that you showed in your eyes, as if you were naming me with every second that passed and soaking in every unspoken word, a language only interpreted in shades of hazel and honey.
After a moment, you looked at me.
"Remember when you said you thought you were falling in love with me?"
Yes, I do. I know we were both very drunk, and I didn't mean to scare you or anything. I guess I just felt comfortable saying it then, or maybe I couldn't stop myself.
(I remembered how out of my skin I felt at that time and how the same feeling came from when I'd lie in bed after you'd leave, restless in thought and mouthing the words I anticipated to say eventually. They felt awkward in my mind and foreign off the tongue.)
I did mean it though. I really did. I just didn't know how I was supposed to say it.
"I think I am too. I just don't know what it's supposed to feel like."
I think we'll just know. That's what they say, at least. I don't want to take anyone's word for it but it must mean something. I hope it does. There are little things I experience with you that are unlike anything else I've come to know.
"What if we're wrong though? I've read what you write, I've heard what you think about the world... What if this is just another one of those connections that you say you've lost? I don't want to be another insignificant boy in the insignificant human race in your grand scheme of things. What if you think all you feel is ultimately insignificant as well?"
There's my philosophy on life, yeah, but please don't let me push you away with it. I talked to you about how we only know what we know, depending on what we've experienced, and that's all our world can be. All I know right now is that here, in the cold, under this Christmas tree with this sketchy ass car beside us, I'm happy. I'm happiest with you. Everything feels at peace with the world. I don't care about the big picture, at least not now... I can only focus on you...
"Alright. I think I might love you."

Finally our fingers froze to a point no longer bearable and we trekked across all of campus to your car, through small roads and parking lots and between deserted buildings of the night. I had to get the ice off of the windshield with a soda bottle we found while you warmed up the engine, somehow finding the whole thing delightful. We arrived at the pancake place around 3, made friends with the girl working, fed each other seasonal pancakes our mothers never knew how to make us and ate to the point of bursting. I made fun of you for asking for a specific brand of hot sauce, you pestered me for sitting on the opposite side of the booth. I eventually succumbed. I wanted to grasp your exhales and remain immersed in them but I couldn't tell you, so instead I told you how big your nostrils were and to stop breathing so loud. You knew and just smiled.
On the ride back we stared in awe of the snow-covered mountains and fields, glowing in the moon and tinged orange from streetlights. Clouds billowed like seperate worlds over the sky and suddenly everything was bigger than us again.
We walked back to the dorm like two specks of dust being carried by the wind into some unnoticeable spot of air, never more content to just be a small part of the universe, together.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

Last edited by vintage x metal at Dec 28, 2009,
#2
I really liked it. I love winter imagery and the season in general, so that may have biased my opinion a bit, but it was cool. I liked the use of italics for your words (I'm assuming?) instead of using quotations. That would have looked messy. It was very sweet and totally I could totally relate. The ending was very nice, too.

The only line that I didn't really like was "to just gaze, continue gazing, get lost, and set any noise in the world to complete silence." It seemed like the "continue gazing, get lost" was superfluous. It could probably be condensed and it could have some commas removed and it be more powerful.
Last edited by D&DLover at Dec 26, 2009,
#3
I really loved the sentiment in here. The backdrop of winter and Christmas made this even more beautiful but I think that's just because this is one of my favorite times of year. Moreover, I thought the last two paragraphs were gorgeous and seamless in their delivery. It read like a montage in an un-sappy romantic movie and some of your lines in there I just connected with.

The first paragraph, however, I think could be readjusted in terms of its flow. A lot of sentences tripped me up and distracted me from the sentiment you were trying to get across. For example, "We walked under the tree and into the branches, climbing the few large, low boughs there were and staring up into the multicolored veil" was rough to read the first time. I mean, when I read it again I was able to understand it more clearly but I feel like your goal should be to have this flow effortlessly for the reader on the first read. The were a few others like that but I think you'll be able to pick out which ones those are.

Also some of the dialogue kind of irked me but if that's what was actually said then I don't think you should change it.

But other than that, this had a great atmosphere about it and I was completely enthralled in the last two paragraphs. Great job
here, My Dear, here it is
#4
the beginning seemed to fall a little flat. i think the ideas were they but the way they were elaborated on were a bit bland.

the ending though was beautiful and of the sort of what i expect to read when i read one of your pieces.

ill come back and be more specific about the beginning later,
if you'd like,
otherwise...


edit: stickied so i wont forget.
Last edited by rushmore at Dec 26, 2009,
#5
^ thank you so much. i'd highly appreciate it. like i said before, i need help... as you've noticed i'm not quite sure how to go about starting these things...

D&D, thank you for the crit and if you want me to return anything just shoot it at me.

ryan, thank you; i've really appreciated your input over the past couple of pieces (and always, of course). i'm glad it was so enjoyed enthralled is a strong word
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#6
If you want to, you could crit one of the pieces in my sig, although the top 3 go together and are blogs, so they're pretty long.
#7
Quote by vintage x metal
sorry for posting something again so soon but i wrote this a while ago have been itching to get it edited... i don't write prose very often at all and could really use some help. c4c of course, if i havent gotten back to you on something please just pester me until i do
- saadia



That night, we waited as long as we could to go to the pancake place in town just because we knew it was always open. After getting kicked out of the library for studying too late (and still laughing at ourselves for it, though it wasn't the first time), I pleaded for you to walk down to the huge Christmas tree at the entrance of campus.

really good beginning. my only problem is ' i pleaded you' but thats just because i hate the word pleaded, so in my opinion 'i begged you' would be better.

'It's too cold,' you said, but we walked towards it anyway, too drawn to the lights standing stark against the black night. There wasn't a person around except for the occasional car down Main St, and even that caught our attention enough to stall conversation momentarily.

you said 'there wasnt a person around' and then 'except for a car down on...' would it be better to say 'there wasn't anything around' if you are going to say except for a car ? that is pretty unimportant i know, but it caught my eye. i would maybe like to see you reasoning with the other character after he says 'its too cold', instead of having him instantly submit after his unwillingness.

We walked under the tree and into the branches, climbing the few large, low boughs there were and staring up into the multicolored veil. You could see the metal grid that the lights were mounted on along the tree but we fuzzed our eyes to keep from noticing them. A car came by and parked about 100 ft away; you were paranoid as always and wanted to start walking but we eventually saw a man inside pull out a map and study it and you let it be. Still, you stayed faced in its direction in case anything happened. I just laughed.

'multicolored' is a little bland and doesn't paint much of a picture. i loved the rest of this though.

We got down from the branches and leaned against the trunk, you holding me like you always do, tight around my waist and at the perfect distance to just gaze, continue gazing, get lost, and set any noise in the world to complete silence.

this is good for what it is, but it lacks your personality i think. the biggest reasons i love your writing is how you describe situations, especially ones like these^, and this seemed to be missing your usual touch and take on moments like these.

After a moment, you looked at me.
"Remember when you said you thought you were falling in love with me?"
Yes, I do. I know we were both very drunk, sorry for bringing it up at such an odd time... I still meant it though.
"I think I am too. I just don't know what it's supposed to feel like."
I think we'll just know. It's never the same, I don't think.
"What if we're wrong though? I've read what you write, I've heard what you think about the world, and I'm just afraid... I'll be another one of your insignificances..."
I mean... we're all kind of insignificant. All I know right now is that here, in the cold, under this Christmas tree with this sketchy ass car beside us, I'm happy. I'm happiest with you. Everything feels at peace with the world. I know it really isn't, but it never seems to matter.
"Alright. I think I might love you."

okay. after first second and third read i still haven't come around to this section. i would like to see some vulnerability in your character here, after the male character says 'remember when...' especially. 'i still meant it though' does nothing to really make the reader believe it. 'i don't want to be one of your insignificances' is odd to read and an awkward way to end the sentence. i think you can come up with a good way to say the same thing but in a little different way.
'i mean...we're all kind of insignificant'. i wish you would have tied this in with the last few sentences in that piece of dialogue. it just seems cheap and a little meaningless to say 'we're all insignificant' and not go on with it, it doesn't hold the effect i think you want it to.

Finally our fingers froze to a point no longer bearable and we trekked across all of campus to your car, through small roads and parking lots and between deserted buildings of the night. I had to get the ice off of the windshield with a soda bottle we found while you warmed up the engine. We arrived at the pancake place around 3, made friends with the girl working, fed eachother seasonal pancakes our mothers never knew how to make us and ate to the point of bursting. On the ride back we stared in awe of the snow-covered mountains and fields, glowing in the moon and tinged orange from streetlights. Clouds billowed like seperate worlds over the sky and suddenly everything was bigger than us again.

space between 'each other'. the imagery here again at the end is lacking what i have deemed to be 'your' personality. i think you have the structure through out this whole piece set up perfectly, its just whats inside needs a little big of rethinking to make the reader believe everything, i dont think its too far off though.

We walked back to the dorm like two specks of dust being carried by the wind into some unnoticeable spot of air, never more content to just be a small part of the universe, together.

beautiful. this goes back to the insignificance, in sorts at least, a perfect way to end.


i was as picky as possible, im terrible at critiquing i know, i tried.
like i said though, i think the story is set up perfectly, its just the words progressing it at points lacks a little something.
#8
^ god that was helpful. thank you again. I just finished editing most of it for now.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja