#1
A whole notebook full of muted voices
tells me I don't have a clue.
Holding onto memories and footholds
that don't mean anything to anyone.

Ask only rhetorical questions and
scorch defiance in my face
with fourteen hundred dollars
and a place for me inside of you.

I'm connected to the problem
through your greasy blood and looks.
So useless, so far, so foolish
like an angry child with a fork.

My face says it all in one word,
but you sewed your eyelids shut
to forget what everything looks like
so you can't be hurt.

Seven years ago this year
I saw myself kill you.
and now i wish
i really had.


My first go at song lyrics in a long time
Last edited by hippieboy444 at Dec 26, 2009,
#2
"Holdings" should probably be "holding." Also, "ask only rhetoric question" made almost no sense to me. Should it be "ask only rhetorical questions?" I don't understand. I didn't like the "and then" before "I see why you don't love me." I think it would flow better if you take them out.

Other than that, it was cool. It had some pretty dark imagery at parts and I really liked it. Maybe it will make a bit more sense if you fix the parts I mentioned and maybe some others I didn't notice.

EDIT: after the fix ups, it reads much better.
Last edited by D&DLover at Dec 26, 2009,
#3
I loved this and hated it, and it changed from line to line. I found it really irritating how you changed the tone. The first stanza was great, I really enjoyed it. Then the first two liens of the second stanza were completely out of place, before it edgedly went back to teh initial tone in the next two lines. And you just had little words or lines littered throughout that just didn't work with that tone.

But that aside, and the ending (the ending was pretty bad, get rid of it), I loved it.
#4
I'm going to come back to this another time BUT I do applaud you for taking a hand a writing lyrics. I really couldn't get a grasp of what was going on. I feel like it needs more development. Difficult with lyrics but everything needs to start somewhere
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#5
^thank you. I appreciate it. Please be hard on it if you have the time because I need to polish up on my songwriting.
#6
wow this is completely 100 % pure AWESOME
Sorry if Ive offended some kind of Punk God I should brush up on my Commandments of Punk maybe copy down the Punk Bible a few thousand times so I don't forget again sorry for my error O Punk Master Of All Things That Are Punk .