#1
truly you see the girl [ada] in her dormitory hiccuping away the
stripes of clandestine sentiment she tucks inside her socks
hidden beneath straighter jeans and lesser means of ways
she hasn't yet come up with; the trumpet player [marcus] in her
high school band listens to sigur ros and writes poetry
everyday or almost; clearly you can decipher her penchant for
the arts and sleeves of hearts worn on skinnier boys who
suck their thumbs and speak like glockenspiels while motioning along
others to follow; [mentioning american spirits won't give you a
clearer picture, but she buys a pack because she saw one in his
ashtray once]
; in-determinants tattoo her with indifference,
on her forehead there's a freckle she's named [adam] out of
loneliness; on her left shoulder blade a birthmark shaped like a
tablespoon that measures the skin she's stretched growing up
in northern wisconsin; its not so bad there, she says, she said,
she meant she needs to get the fu.ck out of there; [marcus] is from
minnesota but he talks like he's from somewhere else,
somewhere west maybe where they over enunciate their vowels;
[ada] bought a plane ticket to visit him over christmas break,
she's never been inside an airport but thinks its close to the feeling you get when
you take an elevator or drink a lot of coffee and then try to sleep;
pretty close she is, to complete oblivion as she drinks water through a straw and
watches airplanes land and take off and land and take off and land and stop;
marcus really loves her;
whales really hate the water;
everyone is born without teeth;
someone is dead on a mattress;
everyone is dead in the street;
[ada] is carrying her luggage,
she drags it along by her feet;
someone hails a cab;
someone forgets their name;
something else was said and
said and then
said once again to the right effect.
Last edited by rushmore at Dec 27, 2009,
#2
Wow. This was something else. I love how strangely hectic this is, how it seems alost to be rushing into some strange oblivion. I also loved the references to other pieces of yours. (don't know if they were intentional, but I picked up some like - american spirits, tatoo, ada) I really enjyoed this one.
#3
You have a sense of flow in your poetry that's very unique and gives way to your styl of thought process. I could probably recognize one of your poems anywhere. The ending to this is a classic example in a sea of many, and it's always lovely, not because it's a token but it remains to be human and relatable through every piece. You were born with a head to write. hell, you practically are writing.

anyway
the brackets work here, partially because the names are so short and they're also not placed in a distracting way. 'clandestine sentiment' sounds forced in comparison to the rest of it. 'speak like glockenspiels' is so cacophanous but the actual sound of glockenspiels makes sense in the piece so... do with that what you will...

i really enjoyed this.
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#6
jesus christ
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#7
Quote by rushmore

she meant she needs to get the fu.ck out of there; marcus is from
minnesota but he talks like he's from somewhere else,
somewhere west maybe where they over enunciate their vowels;
[ada] bought a plane ticket to visit him over christmas break,


this "marcus" here is the only one not in []. i thought it might've been intentional, and maybe it is, but because all the other names are in [], and because it's followed so shortly by [ada], it feels a little out of place. About the only thing i could find wrong with this.
#9
I really liked the flow and general style of the majority of this. The similes were inventive and the few internal rhymes thrown in kept things moving smoothly, i enjoyed that.

I didn't like the chaotic end so much, from the "whales really hate the water" line it seemed to me like you were running out of ideas a little and didn't even try to bring coherence to some of them. What i mean to say is, i don't think most of that section would be missed if it wasn't there.

However, all in all, it's a pleasure to read.