My messy handwriting
Next time, I'll write in pen so it's easier to see.

When we walked about the
Elephant Graveyard I came upon
the conclusion that I love you.

As I watched you bounce about the
Elephant Graveyard I found you
to be blissfully unaware of Death's boundries.

Afterwards I thought of us and about the
Elephant Graveyard and maybe even
telling you. But I didn't.

Today I reminisced about the
Elephant Graveyard and how you acted
differently in reality.

I hated it. I told you.
Promises meant a lot back then.
Last edited by ninja monkey at Dec 26, 2009,
cool thats awesome, and the posting in handwritting just added to the jim morrison like effect
Sorry if Ive offended some kind of Punk God I should brush up on my Commandments of Punk maybe copy down the Punk Bible a few thousand times so I don't forget again sorry for my error O Punk Master Of All Things That Are Punk .
I don't see why the handwriting was necessary..kinda cool I guess, but I don't know. It just seems like too much.

There's an awkward tense disagreement in the first stanza, not sure if that's on purpose or what.

Wish I could say something else constructive. I'd like to see what happens after you tell her though. Guess I'll just make something up in my head.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
Jim Morrison? I idolize him and consider myself scum in his shadow. I didn't intend or try to mirror his writing at all. But, thank you.

Aaron, this is how I'll be posting from now on. I'll be getting a new notebook and a nice pen for it too.
Tense change? hmm. I'm not sure if that is a tense change. "we Walked" "I came" both past tense. "That I love you" is what the narrator came to the conclusion of.
Promises meant a lot back then.
I think there should be a comma rather than a full stop before 'but I didn't'. The changes in the stanzas already leave a lot of empty space. I like this, though.

Maybe I'd go for some variation on this for the first stanza:

When we walked about the Elephant Graveyard
I came upon the conclusion that
I love you.

though I'm not completley sure that I don't like the slightly odd feeling the stanza gives out as it is. The tense thing is in you coming to a conclusion about the now in the past. I'm not sure I dislike that, either, but maybe have a play with that stanza and see.

c4c? There's something hiding in my sig.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!