#1
My messy handwriting
Next time, I'll write in pen so it's easier to see.



When we walked about the
Elephant Graveyard I came upon
the conclusion that I love you.

As I watched you bounce about the
Elephant Graveyard I found you
to be blissfully unaware of Death's boundries.

Afterwards I thought of us and about the
Elephant Graveyard and maybe even
telling you. But I didn't.

Today I reminisced about the
Elephant Graveyard and how you acted
differently in reality.

I hated it. I told you.
Promises meant a lot back then.
Last edited by ninja monkey at Dec 26, 2009,
#2
cool thats awesome, and the posting in handwritting just added to the jim morrison like effect
Sorry if Ive offended some kind of Punk God I should brush up on my Commandments of Punk maybe copy down the Punk Bible a few thousand times so I don't forget again sorry for my error O Punk Master Of All Things That Are Punk .
#3
I don't see why the handwriting was necessary..kinda cool I guess, but I don't know. It just seems like too much.

There's an awkward tense disagreement in the first stanza, not sure if that's on purpose or what.

Wish I could say something else constructive. I'd like to see what happens after you tell her though. Guess I'll just make something up in my head.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#4
Jim Morrison? I idolize him and consider myself scum in his shadow. I didn't intend or try to mirror his writing at all. But, thank you.

Aaron, this is how I'll be posting from now on. I'll be getting a new notebook and a nice pen for it too.
Tense change? hmm. I'm not sure if that is a tense change. "we Walked" "I came" both past tense. "That I love you" is what the narrator came to the conclusion of.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#5
I think there should be a comma rather than a full stop before 'but I didn't'. The changes in the stanzas already leave a lot of empty space. I like this, though.

Maybe I'd go for some variation on this for the first stanza:

When we walked about the Elephant Graveyard
I came upon the conclusion that
I love you.

though I'm not completley sure that I don't like the slightly odd feeling the stanza gives out as it is. The tense thing is in you coming to a conclusion about the now in the past. I'm not sure I dislike that, either, but maybe have a play with that stanza and see.

c4c? There's something hiding in my sig.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!