#1
Back on the street again
Death march parades
Salt in my feet again
Standing in place

Sirens of policemen
Rush by in haste
Mid morning breeze again
Just like yesterday

Tapes on the floor
Gutter full of waste
Newspaper sits there
Pass the time away

Adverts and blank screens
They're all the same to me
Roses and cigarettes
They never come cheap

You don't understand, do you?
A marker in the sand, do you?
You don't understand, do you?
Neither do I

I've got money but
but it's just paper painted green
My pockets are full of
Sand and plastic things

If I had a shovel
I'd bury the dead
Kneel down for hours
Think about the time ahead

You don't understand, do you?
A marker in the sand, do you?
You don't understand, do you?
Neither do I

I don't think this piece is particularly remarkable, but I haven't had any criticism in a while so I feel I need some as I'm trying to focus more on lyric writing. Please be honest (but not too brutal )
#2
it is so amazing how most of the world could just bypass something so epic and read other things, this is truly a masterpeice, and the only question i have to ask is "are you british? "
Sorry if Ive offended some kind of Punk God I should brush up on my Commandments of Punk maybe copy down the Punk Bible a few thousand times so I don't forget again sorry for my error O Punk Master Of All Things That Are Punk .
#3
^I appreciate that a lot. No I am not British (though I've been there and I lived in Australia for a brief time), I am a Nebraskan born and raised. If you want me to crit anything of yours, please feel free to send a link or whatever. That being said, I could definitely use some areas to work on. Anyone want to help me out?
#4
Quote by ohhey9040
Back on the street again
Death march parades
Salt in my feet again
Standing in place

Great stanza, but I feel like the last line just stops, try to fit another word in there?

Sirens of policemen
Rush by in haste
Mid morning breeze again
Just like yesterday

Awesome.

Tapes on the floor
Gutter full of waste
Newspaper sits there
Pass the time away

I see what you were going for here, but there isn't enough substance. Tell me more.

Adverts and blank screens
They're all the same to me
Roses and cigarettes
They never come cheap

Great, great stanza.

You don't understand, do you?
A marker in the sand, do you?
You don't understand, do you?
Neither do I

Nothing bad to say here.

I've got money but
but it's just paper painted green
My pockets are full of
Sand and plastic things

Awesome job running with the sand notion

If I had a shovel
I'd bury the dead
Kneel down for hours
Think about the time ahead

Great last stanza.

You don't understand, do you?
A marker in the sand, do you?
You don't understand, do you?
Neither do I

I don't think this piece is particularly remarkable, but I haven't had any criticism in a while so I feel I need some as I'm trying to focus more on lyric writing. Please be honest (but not too brutal )


Overall, it was a great read. Comments in bold.

If you don't mind:

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1251633
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
Last edited by Wulphy at Dec 28, 2009,