#1
This is the first thing I've written in a couple weeks. I'm pretty happy with it, but open to suggestions. C4C and all that stuff. If anybody wants the story behind this feel free to ask.


Pt. One

Hazy red tail lights interrupted darkness
Bright, they were fiery autumn leaves against dead asphalt
I took my cue to leave
I hit the ground rolling

We witnessed a lifetime together in a single night
Iconoclastic love is sandwiches at three am
And watching sunrises over polluted beaches.
Fleeting.

Pt. Two

Wake.
Sweaty palms and the plane isn't even halfway there yet.
Comfort tattooed on the back of my hand
And
I can breathe again.
The text message punctuates this romantic ellipsis.

From 35,000 feet,
“Happy birthday. I love you.”
This sig is
Last edited by Rasta Dogg at Dec 30, 2009,
#2
wow,just love the imagery here,
Sorry if Ive offended some kind of Punk God I should brush up on my Commandments of Punk maybe copy down the Punk Bible a few thousand times so I don't forget again sorry for my error O Punk Master Of All Things That Are Punk .
#3
Quote by BrandyCross
wow,just love the imagery here,


Do you have any actual criticisms?
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#4
Quote by Rasta Dogg
Do you have any actual criticisms?
sure why not sounds like fun


Pt. One (whats with the parts??)

Twin red taillights interrupted darkness
Bright, they were fiery autumn leaves against dead asphalt
I took my cue to leave
I hit the ground rolling

We witnessed a lifetime together in a single night
Iconoclastic love is sandwiches at three am (sandwhiches?? seems a bit randomn and pointless to me)

And watching sunrises over polluted beaches.
Fleeting. (this is way shorter than the rest, cool word , doesnt really fit to much, but cool)

Pt. Two (parts?? between what??)

Wake.
Sweaty palms and the plane isn't even halfway there yet.
Comfort tattooed on the back of my hand
And
I can breathe again.
The text message punctuates this romantic ellipsis. (ellipisis?? O_O means>???)

From 35,000 feet,
“Happy birthday. I love you.”

but as i said, its totally awesome and doesnt really need a change
Sorry if Ive offended some kind of Punk God I should brush up on my Commandments of Punk maybe copy down the Punk Bible a few thousand times so I don't forget again sorry for my error O Punk Master Of All Things That Are Punk .
#5
Part one is the last night I spent with my girlfriend before I was gone to Florida for two weeks. We had a picnic together on this sh*tty local beach and watched the sun come up (hence the sandwich bit).

I'm a terrible flyer, so part two deals with a moment I had on the plane. I woke up from my heavily medicated sleep and started to get anxious, but then I looked down at my hand. On the back of it, my girlfriend had written in Sharpie "You'll be fine."

In English, an ellipsis is the mark represented as ... Here I used it to mean a pause or a hold in the relationship until we were together again. The last two lines deal with a text I sent her in midair. The message itself is pretty self- explanatory.
This sig is
Last edited by Rasta Dogg at Dec 28, 2009,
#6
This is the first thing I've written in a couple weeks. I'm pretty happy with it, but open to suggestions. C4C and all that stuff. If anybody wants the story behind this feel free to ask.


Pt. One

Twin red taillights interrupted darkness
Bright, they were fiery autumn leaves against dead asphalt
I took my cue to leave
I hit the ground rolling

Awesome start, but I think you should change red to something that evokes more thought, as the rest of the piece does.

We witnessed a lifetime together in a single night
Iconoclastic love is sandwiches at three am
And watching sunrises over polluted beaches.
Fleeting.

The hidden meanings in this stanza are very well places, no qualms here.

Pt. Two

Is this necessary?

Wake.
Sweaty palms and the plane isn't even halfway there yet.
Comfort tattooed on the back of my hand
And
I can breathe again.
The text message punctuates this romantic ellipsis.

Your writing has a very distinct feel to it, and I love it. Keep this up.

From 35,000 feet,
“Happy birthday. I love you.”


Overall, awesome job. Loved the read

If you don't mind:

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1251633
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
#7
Thanks, man. I agree about the "red" part, I'll try to find something better to fit there.
EDIT: Got it!

And I just hit you back with a crit
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Last edited by Rasta Dogg at Dec 28, 2009,
#8
Pt. One

Hazy carmine taillights interrupted darkness
Bright, they were fiery autumn leaves against dead asphalt
I love the break-up of flow in the second line. The grammar's so neat and different.

I took my cue to leave
I hit the ground rolling
I adore the way the flow just 'rolls' here. It would of been even better if there was more of a build up prior. But you can't win everything.


We witnessed a lifetime together in a single night
Iconoclastic love is sandwiches at three am
I'm still trying to get my head around "sandwiches". It's really a joy to dig into, though - don't get me wrong.

And watching sunrises over polluted beaches.
Fleeting.

Pt. Two

Wake.
Sweaty palms and the plane isn't even halfway there yet.
Comfort tattooed on the back of my hand
And
I can breathe again.
The text message punctuates this romantic ellipsis.

From 35,000 feet,
“Happy birthday. I love you.”
Wow.

Sorry for my pathetic critique. It was more of a kiss-ass than anything.

Absolutely wonderful read.
#9
Quote by AngryGoldfish

I'm still trying to get my head around "sandwiches". It's really a joy to dig into, though - don't get me wrong.


I know, that was one of the other things I wanted to redo. I was considering going with “WaWa hoagies” (which, while historically accurate, seems a bit too conventional and ruined the tone).

Quote by AngryGoldfish
Sorry for my pathetic critique. It was more of a kiss-ass than anything.

Absolutely wonderful read.


I appreciate it nonetheless
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#12
This was trying to be a poem too hard until the last two lines, where it became a poem. I like those last two lines.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#14
congrats rasta, i did like it better with red rather than carmine though
Sorry if Ive offended some kind of Punk God I should brush up on my Commandments of Punk maybe copy down the Punk Bible a few thousand times so I don't forget again sorry for my error O Punk Master Of All Things That Are Punk .
#15
Aww, thanks everybody!

Quote by DigUpHerBones
This was trying to be a poem too hard until the last two lines, where it became a poem. I like those last two lines.


I know, I know. I've always felt that way about my writings. It's the description/adjectives I use that do that to me, I think.


And this isn't totally finalized yet, I'd love some more suggestions on areas to work on.
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#16
Quote by Rasta Dogg

Pt. One

Hazy carmine taillights interrupted darkness
Bright, they were fiery autumn leaves against dead asphalt
I took my cue to leave
I hit the ground rolling

Ditch the parts, we don't need to narrow into sections like that, also separate 'tail lights' unless you did actually want that to happen. It just reads clumsily.

We witnessed a lifetime together in a single night
Iconoclastic love is sandwiches at three am
And watching sunrises over polluted beaches.
Fleeting.

Didn't enjoy the period at the end of 'beaches' was too disjointing considering the meter you have going. A comma would be more effective if you still wanted to get fleeting by itself.

Wake.
Sweaty palms and the plane isn't even halfway there yet.
Comfort tattooed on the back of my hand
And
I can breathe again.
The text message punctuates this romantic ellipsis.

I usually hate the 'and' on one line but I think you did alright here, considering this is an actual transition and it leads up to it. Still not sure about it though.

From 35,000 feet,
“Happy birthday. I love you.”

good work.



- matthew
#17
Like I said before, I had it broken into parts to signify the huge difference in setting and mood. If it's still strongly agreed I should take that out, I will, because I trust y'alls judgement better than mine.

I did make the "tail light" change though, you were right about that. As for the period at the end of "beaches," I just really wasn't sure how to separate those two ideas. I wanted to keep it, since I had envisioned that sudden stop in flow at the end of that line, but it still seems disjoint to me. I'll work on that.

I get the feeling that the piece is too short overall. Like you mentioned, there's not enough build up to the transitional parts.

Thanks for the crit!

Quote by BrandyCross
i did like it better with red rather than carmine though


Yeah, I'm gonna change that back. That has "trying too hard" written all over it.
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