#1
Its short but im planning to add more possibly.

Tabula Rasa

Forthcoming senselessness,
Red tide is here. It breathes.
Slouching reaches restlessness,
Winding down color schemes.
Delirium, a stratum of the fever,
A plague, man’s irrefutable disease,
Desolate. A Slough of Despond,
I savor the paresthesia relentlessly.
The intangible urges my fulfillment,
A synthesis and paradox that wreathe.
To a revelation from cognition,
The abstraction, “We are no one.”
Is here. It breathes.
#3
Quote by Conor Oberst

The abstraction, “We are no one.”
Is here. It breathes.


these lines are brilliant. the rest is excessively wordy and completely unevocative. i get nothing from them, but then you're not really saying much anyway. also, in the future if you want more crits, critique someone else and ask them to return the favor. bumping your pieces is frowned upon.
#4
Quote by NGD1313
these lines are brilliant. the rest is excessively wordy and completely unevocative. i get nothing from them, but then you're not really saying much anyway. also, in the future if you want more crits, critique someone else and ask them to return the favor. bumping your pieces is frowned upon.


thank you for the critique. i do appreciate your opinion. and i will take your advice on the favors. i knew bumping was not good thing but it went three pages and not commented on and im not on this sit often. but thanks alot!

however, the rest of the lines are extremely important to how the end came to be. the rest is a summary of how i think what i feel. the rest is saying so much im not sure how you came to youre conclusion but i am happy that someone said something so i am grateful. and im unsure how it is wordy, each line says something completely different from every other line in meaning, and i tried to use the minimal amount of words to express the most.

but thanks again. i am grateful.
#5
Forthcoming senselessness,
Red tide is here. It breathes.

I liked these lines a lot. It made me feel tense, awaiting what the rest would bring. I might even reverse the lines. The powerful concrete imagery of Red tide captures my attention better than the abstract senselessness. But I agree that most of the piece felt very wordy and unnecessary. The line about color schemes doesn't really belong. The ending was also great but the descriptions in the middle just seem wordy and confusing, lacking focus.
Delirium, a stratum of the fever,
A plague, man’s irrefutable disease,

I liked this pair of lines as well.
Last edited by SKAtastic7770 at Dec 31, 2009,
#6
Quote by SKAtastic7770
Forthcoming senselessness,
Red tide is here. It breathes.

I liked these lines a lot. It made me feel tense, awaiting what the rest would bring. I might even reverse the lines. The powerful concrete imagery of Red tide captures my attention better than the abstract senselessness. But I agree that most of the piece felt very wordy and unnecessary. The line about color schemes doesn't really belong. The ending was also great but the descriptions in the middle just seem wordy and confusing, lacking focus.
Delirium, a stratum of the fever,
A plague, man’s irrefutable disease,

I liked this pair of lines as well.


thanks! i understand what youre saying about the middle part but this entire thing is more about every aspect of my thoughts i find important, you know? i wrote this a while back so i guess im make some changes. and the color schemes is just about a lack of color, the entire thing is just abut me being depressed basically haha

i guess my thing needs more work thanks again!
#7
You're trying too hard, my wannabe clone friend. Your ideas are bordering on good - it breathes - and they're almost beautiful, but there's hesitation in your words. No one savors the paresthesia relentlessly. They may in other ways, but not today, not in this poem. Why not? Because I don't believe you.

A plague, man’s irrefutable disease, Desolate.

Let's start with this, for example. This is little more than a lesson in redundancy. What is a plague, other than man's irrefutable disease? You're wasting valuable syllables here. Desolate? Give me a picture my schoolteachers have not. You are a writer - use your imagination, and run with it. Your ideas are taking shape yes, and I will love them when they are allowed to escape the bonds you keep on yourself. This game of tug o' war is not fair.

There are only so many 'lessnesses' we can deal with before we drown in suffixes, suffixi? See? We are not meant to take in so many of them. If you find them necessary so often, you're using the wrong word. antidisestablishmentarianism. blah. easier said as 'republican,' don't you think?

Let's not get ahead of ourselves. The red tide line is cool and the last two lines are pearl and should stay like the glaciers should stay, but in order to keep them around, we need to make some serious changes to how we deal with them, right? Winding down color schemes. Keep these lines, and learn the value of their relative simplicity. Bask in it, let it soak into your eyes, hands, and ink. It will save you, Mr fake Conor Oberst, this I promise you with the fire of exactly two and a half suns. Now go back and try again.
Last edited by spike_8bkp at Dec 31, 2009,
#8
Quote by spike_8bkp
You're trying too hard, my wannabe clone friend. Your ideas are bordering on good - it breathes - and they're almost beautiful, but there's hesitation in your words. No one savors the paresthesia relentlessly. They may in other ways, but not today, not in this poem. Why not? Because I don't believe you.

A plague, man’s irrefutable disease, Desolate.

Let's start with this, for example. This is little more than a lesson in redundancy. What is a plague, other than man's irrefutable disease? You're wasting valuable syllables here. Desolate? Give me a picture my schoolteachers have not. You are a writer - use your imagination, and run with it. Your ideas are taking shape yes, and I will love them when they are allowed to escape the bonds you keep on yourself. This game of tug o' war is not fair.

There are only so many 'lessnesses' we can deal with before we drown in suffixes, suffixi? See? We are not meant to take in so many of them. If you find them necessary so often, you're using the wrong word. antidisestablishmentarianism. blah. easier said as 'republican,' don't you think?

Let's not get ahead of ourselves. The red tide line is cool and the last two lines are pearl and should stay like the glaciers should stay, but in order to keep them around, we need to make some serious changes to how we deal with them, right? Winding down color schemes. Keep these lines, and learn the value of their relative simplicity. Bask in it, let it soak into your eyes, hands, and ink. It will save you, Mr fake Conor Oberst, this I promise you with the fire of exactly two and a half suns. Now go back and try again.


well thanks...i guess...its just a name and i do admire him, but i dont see the point in the insult. and im not sure you see the point of the paresthesia thing. its not an actual joy in it . i know it needs work. i dont know what you mean that you dont believe me...

this is about how i think, and how i see everything.
a brief line by line summary sorta. this is like the most basic way i can explain it, i hope this kinda explains it:
first two lines talk about how i feel like im losing my sanity, the red tide represents te death of the it, like how it killed everything in the ocean. the next lines are about how i always feel old and tired that i cant live in this world, a lack of color, im turning grey. the next lines are bout how how i am deliruous( confused, crazy, hysterical) and that its a part of my mind(fever) and that i feel my confusion is necessary for me to be who i am, like how a plague to kill off a large number of the population of humans is necessary because of over population even though its sick and cruel, its needed. the next lines are just how i am depressed, but i like being depressed and that it makes me feel like a better person because i understand suffering, i enjoy every minute of the bad feeling, it makes me, me. the intangible (the things hard to understand, concepts, and thoughts) are things i want to understand and that if i figure out my confusion i will feel fulfilled and complete because i unraveled my mind. its a paradox because i am depressed, discouraged, and unmotivated yet i try to find fulfillment and happiness and its a synthesis because both are in one person, me. i had a revelation that we are no bodies in this world, we are insignificant, i got this from my views of the world and thoughts, and that it is a true concept. it exists, and it lives.

thats basically what i mean.

thanks though for the criticism. even though this is just a username and i cant really change it haha
#9
I meant no insult. The extent of what I know about you as a human being is this poem, and your username. Loosen up, we're all friends here. Except for the dude in the corner. Don't look! No one really likes him.

What I meant by saying I don't believe you is simply that. I do not believe what you are saying. You are not convincing. There are a bunch of big words being thrown around here, and thanks to your detailed explanation, we as an audience know that this poem is not cohesive, and from one line to the next doesn't have much to do with itself, except that the world kind of blows, and you don't like it much. Which is cool. Me either. But this has potential to be beyond that. Forget about complaining, my friend - you are a writer, and you and I have the power, the imaginations (I hope) to actually change things!

So let's get on track here. I'm not calling your poem bad - please don't misunderstand me, but I know the definitions of the words you're using, and I know it is a collection of thoughts about how you feel and that's fine, that's valid. But what else is it? Words are not simply tools we pull out of the dictionary at appropriate times - no matter what They tell you. They are your play-doh, your clay, so use them as such and end the self-importance! We are not inherently important - but we can be. And with what this poem can be, there is something not quite untouchable at your whim. Seize it, and see what you come up with.
#10
Quote by spike_8bkp
I meant no insult. The extent of what I know about you as a human being is this poem, and your username. Loosen up, we're all friends here. Except for the dude in the corner. Don't look! No one really likes him.

What I meant by saying I don't believe you is simply that. I do not believe what you are saying. You are not convincing. There are a bunch of big words being thrown around here, and thanks to your detailed explanation, we as an audience know that this poem is not cohesive, and from one line to the next doesn't have much to do with itself, except that the world kind of blows, and you don't like it much. Which is cool. Me either. But this has potential to be beyond that. Forget about complaining, my friend - you are a writer, and you and I have the power, the imaginations (I hope) to actually change things!

So let's get on track here. I'm not calling your poem bad - please don't misunderstand me, but I know the definitions of the words you're using, and I know it is a collection of thoughts about how you feel and that's fine, that's valid. But what else is it? Words are not simply tools we pull out of the dictionary at appropriate times - no matter what They tell you. They are your play-doh, your clay, so use them as such and end the self-importance! We are not inherently important - but we can be. And with what this poem can be, there is something not quite untouchable at your whim. Seize it, and see what you come up with.


haha thanks a ton. i did not take any of your words as all bad things or anything, just a way to explain what you were saying. I do plan on editing this piece. and your words are actually a great help, really. i appreciate all the criticism actually because i do want to be better and this is all absolutely helping. im actually psyched to work on it when i get the chance to( however im doing my college supplements so i dont have time right now!). thanks a lot!