#1
C4C. This is just the very, very rough draft.

I've learned
that Eden is quite flammable.
It's burned
in ashes, it doesn't look so full.

I've lived
a thousand and one lives, and
I'd give
all of them, to have my own.

So burn bright,
send your smoke signals out for miles.
Let your light
warn us not to play with matches.

You're not burning fast enough.
You're not burning fast enough.

Take turns,
join me and call it misery.
What burns
is always what I seem to need.

I've lied
long enough, I'm getting much
too sick
sick of this stage.

So burn bright
send your smoke signals out for miles.
Let your light
warn us not to play with matches.

You're not burning fast enough.
You're not burning fast enough.
You're not burning fast enough.
You're not burning fast enough.

I've remarked
that Eden could burn down
from the sparks
of your fingernails on my back.

But who knew
who would ever have thought that it
is true
as sparks turn into flames.

You'll burn bright, you'll
send your smoke signals out for miles.
Let your light
remind us of why we played with matches.

You're not burning fast enough.
You're not burning fast enough.
You're not burning fast enough.
You're not burning fast enough,
for me.
Last edited by herby190 at Jan 3, 2010,
#2
*Eden

It doesn't have to be that much of a draft, I quite liked it. The only suggestion I have at the moment is to get rid of the semicolons, aesthetically they interrupt it a bit too much.
This sig is
#3
Thanks, I made the corrections you suggested; I'm usually not the best at how to present lyrics to people, it's always been a problem of mine.
#4
Hah, don't worry about it dude. I think that if you wanna provide any backstory for your works when you post, so people can compare their interpretation to what you wanted it to mean to you, that helps people give more constructive crits.

And I should have been more clear with my suggestion: I think it would work really well if you took out the commas you put in place of the semicolons. Punctuating every line like that makes it look odd. Like this:


I've learned
that Eden is quite flammable.
It's burned
in ashes, it doesn't look so full.

I've lived
a thousand and one lives, and
I'd give
all of them, to have my own.

So burn bright,
send your smoke signals out for miles.
Let your light
warn us not to play with matches.

You're not burning fast enough.
You're not burning fast enough.

Take turns,
join me and call it misery.
What burns
is always what I seem to need.

I've lied
long enough, I'm getting much
too sick
sick of this stage.

So burn bright
send your smoke signals out for miles.
Let your light
warn us not to play with matches.

You're not burning fast enough.
You're not burning fast enough.

I've remarked
that Eden could burn down
from the sparks
of your fingernails on my back.

But who knew
who would ever have thought that it
is true
as sparks turn into flames.

You'll burn bright, you'll
send your smoke signals out for miles.
Let your light
warn us not to play with matches.

You're not burning fast enough.
You're not burning fast enough,
for me.

Play around with it some and see what you like. There's a world of options open to you that would help to make this more expressive.
This sig is
#5
that looks pretty cool, i rly like the way you set up the verses, and i can tottaly see some rock singer growling "your not burning fast enough" with a fuzzy guitar in the back so cool, i think it seems pretty ready now haha
#6
I've learned
that Eden is quite flammable.
It's burned
in ashes, it doesn't look so full.

Nice way to start, really grabs your attention, and makes you want to hear more

I've lived
a thousand and one lives, and
I'd give
all of them, to have my own.

Nice follow up, again draws you in

So burn bright,
send your smoke signals out for miles.
Let your light
warn us not to play with matches.

Is this the chorus? I like the first two lines, the second two don't seem to fit right though: they don't seem to live up to the first two.

You're not burning fast enough.
You're not burning fast enough.

Nice one!

Take turns,
join me and call it misery.
What burns
is always what I seem to need.

Good strong verse

I've lied
long enough, I'm getting much
too sick
sick of this stage.

Doesn't seem to fit in with the flow of the other verses? The last line seems too short.

So burn bright
send your smoke signals out for miles.
Let your light
warn us not to play with matches.

You're not burning fast enough.
You're not burning fast enough.
You're not burning fast enough.
You're not burning fast enough.

I've remarked
that Eden could burn down
from the sparks
of your fingernails on my back.

But who knew
who would ever have thought that it
is true
as sparks turn into flames.

Not too sure about these two, there's nothing jumping out at me about them, maybe just have a bridge and then carry on?

You'll burn bright, you'll
send your smoke signals out for miles.
Let your light
remind us of why we played with matches.

You're not burning fast enough.
You're not burning fast enough.
You're not burning fast enough.
You're not burning fast enough,
for me.

Nice ending!