#1
i lap around the currents from the garden hose dispersing
a chlorine contest where i'm treading swiftly in endless attempts to
see you underwater; to contrast the white of your skin with the
blue dim lining of my swimming pool, to diversify my knowledge of your
legs and stomach and such, to redefine a love i thought once
dry and anticlimactic like the way you describe all the indie movies i love;

[it was summer, we carried a thirty pack of PBR up to my tiled rooftop,
a calico kitten asleep on the awning of the down the street storefront.
despite my and her and her and my continual admissions of digressing when
conversations of her and me and me and her pop up,
we managed to speak a few words on relationships before talk of orca whales and john wilkes booth and our lack of knowledge of the government came to topic]


[we'll sleep while swimming;
we'll listen while already knowing;
there are steps you need to take to fall in love,
i don't know them so i won't share them but
i imagine the steps as a spiral staircase leading to
your grandparents attic;
i imagine once you get in the attic its like
putting on an old war helmet or holding a grenade
your grandfather tucked away or like
putting on old wigs and not recognizing yourself
in a cracked dusty mirror,
like finding a treasure chest full of nothing and then
filling it with everything;
or something to that degree at least,
maybe a little bit colder,
maybe a little bit warmer.]


toweling ourselves off, skin red from fabrics tossed and worn
aloft atop of white tee shirts we bought from thrift store shops
in the inner side of the city; night came with blankets and
wool socks as we peered at each other through opposite sides of
my fish tank; something blurry about it all became as clear as
the blue i needed so badly to see you in; pangaea was proud of our
accomplishments as we hadn't separated like it did;
then, unconsciousnecessarily, the science of un-nerving became knowing and you
touched my hand and fell asleep with me;

[we regressed to find a similar interest in the opposites we projected in each other,
a silver chain on your neck broke and fell in my gutter,
8 beers in to the case we weren't any closer to knowing but
our hands were warm and MUM was playing somewhere below;
my grey cardigan got stuck on a nail giving us a reason to just lay there
indifferent to the events that brought us to that point and place and feeling where
summers asleep,
some are asleep,
summers asleep and
somewhere no one cares enough to dispute it.]


[or love is like walking into a forest and
cutting down every single tree and then
re seeding everything,
water and
water and
water sprouts new leaves and limbs and gives new reasons to everything alive or dead.]
Last edited by rushmore at Dec 29, 2009,
#2
what god created you and where are they now?


thank you for the crit earlier, i'll be editing my piece and will be back to pick what I can of this apart since I rarely have anything helpful to say when it comes to you.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#4
Quote by rushmore
i lap around the currents from the garden hose dispersing don't like the line break here
a chlorine contest why contest? where i'm treading swiftly in endless attempts to
see you underwater; to contrast the white of your skin with the
blue dim lining of my swimming pool; you can us commas rather than semicolons here, they have too harsh of a break for the flow you've got here to diversify my knowledge of your odd line break here too
legs and stomach and such; to redefine a love i thought once
dry and anticlimactic one word like the way you describe all the indie movies i love;

Love the pool imagery with the contrast of skin and water. Also enjoyed the 'indie movies' line. The flow in this one stanza isnt as fluid as you've usually got it, not because of the words but just where the break is placed and your punctuation

[it was summer, lush why is that there? where it's placed, it's ambiguous and sticks out carrying a thirty pack of PBR up to my tiled rooftop,
a calico kitten asleep on the yawning what?of the down the street storefront.
despite my and her and her and my continual admissions of digressing when
conversations of her and me and me and her pop up,
we managed to speak a few words on relationships before talk of orca whales and john wilkes booth and our lack of knowledge of the government came to topic]


[we'll sleep while swimming;
we'll listen while already knowing;
there are steps you need to take to fall in love,
i don't know them so i won't share them but
i imagine them a spiral staircase leading to
your grandparents attic;
i imagine once you get in the attic its like
putting on an old war helmet or holding a grenade
your grandfather tucked away or like
putting on old wigs and not recognizing yourself
in an old dusty mirror,
like finding a treasure chest full of nothing and then
filling it with everything,
or something to that degree,
maybe a little bit colder,
maybe a little bit warmer.]

i couldn't touch any of that if i wanted to

toweling ourselves off skin red from fabrics tossed and worn
comma would be nice between off and skin
aloft atop of white tee shirts we bought from thrift store shops
in the inner side of the city; night came with blankets and
wool socks as we peered at each other through opposite sides of
my fish tank; something blurry about it all became clear as
another as would be nice before clear
the blue i needed so badly to see you in; proud of our accomplishments
was pangaea as we hadn't separated like it did
; i had to read this twice
consciousunnecessarily the science of un-nerving became knowing and you
touched my hand and fell asleep with me;

[we regressed to find a similar interest in the opposites we presented to each other, this could be worded better
a silver chain on your neck broke and fell in my gutter,
8 beers in to the case we weren't any closer to knowing but
our hands were warm and MUM was playing somewhere below;
my grey cardigan got stuck on a nail giving us a reason to just lay there
indifferent to the events that brought us to that point and place and feeling where
summers asleep,
some are asleep,
summers asleep and
somewhere no one cares enough to dispute it.]


[or love is like walking into a forest and
cutting down every single tree and then
re seeding everything,
water and
water and
water sprouts new leaves and limbs that give new reasons to everything alive or dead.]

the very last line just... goes on too long in comparison to the rest of the stanza

hope it's of whatever help I could possibly give. your writing is mesmerizing. i wish i had it all in a book so i could curl up and read it alone, wherever.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja