#1
Now and again we try to be friends
it only works when you're lonely
It seems like it's less the more I forget
When I add it all up, it's still plenty
The tide of times weighs heavy on my mind
I'll wade through the waves to your shore
I understand that I can't be your man
but I've always wanted something more

You need to know that I'm just one of those
paranoid folks, who can't help but be caring
It would be great if you could navigate
through my words and find their meaning

You try to respond while the veins in your arms
are traversing the shape of your body
How long does it take for your mind to delay
the smile that I know your hiding
I start to grin as the fog rolls right in
I prefer to hide that I'm a mess
I sit and wait as your figure dissipates
your shape is the best sillohuette
"The lightbrites now black and white cuz you took apart a picture that wasnt right"

#1 Member of Incubus fan Club, PM Tron8936 to join
Last edited by tron8936 at Dec 29, 2009,
#2
Quote by tron8936
Now and again we try to be friends
it only works when you're lonely
It seems like it's less the more I forget
When I add it all up, it's still plenty
The tide of times weighs heavy on my mind
I'll wade through the waves to your shore
I understand that I can't be your man
but I've always wanted something more


First two lines are simple but promising, whilst the third line reads a little awkwardly. The last four lines are ones i've read hundreds of times in slightly different guises, which made them boring, predictable and ultimately not enjoyable for me to read.

You need to know that I'm just one of those
paranoid folks, who can't help but be caring
It would be great if you could navigate
through my words and find their meaning


This is similarly quite standard, although not as bad, has a sort of confessional honest tone, which i can live with.

You try to respond while the veins in your arms
are traversing the shape of your body
How long does it take for your mind to delay
the smile that I know your hiding
I start to grin as the fog rolls right in
I prefer to hide that I'm a mess
I sit and wait as your figure dissipates
your shape is the best sillohuette


This stanza is by far the best of the piece, some more interesting wording and imagery. The sixth line is bit weak and probably detracts, the idea of the last two lines is nice, but not executed as well as i'd like, doesn't hit home like it should.

All in all, certainly something to work with here, my advice is too take the best and build from there, don't settle for the weak lines/sections.
#3
Thanks for the critique. I agree that some of it definitely feels weaker
"The lightbrites now black and white cuz you took apart a picture that wasnt right"

#1 Member of Incubus fan Club, PM Tron8936 to join