#1
C4C.

I'll remedy
your injuries,
just promise never to touch me
again.

I'll take away
all your pain,
but it will mean a bullet to the brain in
the end.

I don't mean to offend.....

Don't worry,
I'm here to save the day.

Let's pretend I made
it all go away.

I'll do my best
not to second guess,
it will be blessed as long as you
pretend.

I'll go insane
with my migraines,
searching for a vein so this can
end.

I'm turning white again....

Don't worry,
I'm here to save the day.

Let's pretend I made
it all go away.


Don't worry,
I'm here to save the day.

Let's pretend I made
it all go away.

We'll never be okay....
Last edited by herby190 at Dec 29, 2009,
#2
i liked it dude, i didn't notice a ryming structue but that doesn't matter cause it was good. I seemed to flow and seems like lyrics that would be sang. i enjoyed it, just put some music behind it and you have yourself a song!
#3
im having a hard time finding anything. theres very little to look at. the verses have a nice rap-like flow as i read them. i think the rhymes are interesting. i think the chorus is too short and doesnt hit home with me. its written in a style im not too familiar with so my opinion may not be the most valid but i just think it lacks a real substance. may be better in music but in written form i feel that it seems to all mesh together as all the lines are written similarly and drag together.
#4
I found this to be very boring, predictable, and unoriginal. I've read some of your other pieces and really found substance and information in them, but here... its a cliche idea of feigning innocence and then throwing in "bullet to the brain" to make it seem "OH WOW DID HE SAY THAT?!?" but it really doesn't carry any tone or setup in order to deliver anything to the reader.

To be frank, there was little to no narrational tone or delivery, which really let down what little idea you had. Beyond that, the idea was weak and weakly executed. Try gripping into something more concrete and delivering more for the reader to work with. Working with a minimal frame can be a nice touch, but when you don't deliver it well and don't have the technical skill to make it work, it really comes across as underwhelming and poorly executed.

Try honing your skills more before trying to work in such a small frame, and you will also need a much more solid idea than what you delivered here for anything to stand out as being well-done.

If you could hit the top one in my sig, I'd appreciate it.
#5
Thanks for looking at Forgotten!

I'm not one to talk, but I'm going to have to agree in the context in which ZanasCross is talking about.
On emotional grounds, the only thing I could really feel was slight frustration. Now, I say slight because to me there really weren't any words or structural devices that made it seem any more appealing in the sense of anger (as subtle as it may have been).

I'm going to have to see the GP5
#6
Thanks for the honesty; I can never tell whether or not my pieces are good, so you have all been a world of help in all of my time writing.