#1
edited. props to kent and andre.

The two magnets model themselves as soldiers;
stern women who know nothing of destruction.
A broken compass sways between north and south,
an opinion based on facts, based on warfare fiction.

I'm telling you a story here: of conflict;
of faith. But blinded by something,
I still fight, because nothing is as real as drive -
nothing is as straight as the piston that beats into my mind.
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Dec 30, 2009,
#2
Dan wrote something ! Yay !

Quote by AngryGoldfish
The two magnets model themselves as soldiers;
stern women who know nothing of destruction.
A broken compass sways between the north and south,
I'd eliminate the "the" here. Makes it flow better.
an opinion based on facts; based on war-like fiction.
I don't know about this line... Seems rather un-poetic if you know what I mean.

I'm telling you a story here: of conflict; of faith.
But blinded by something, I still fight,
This may sound foolish, but I'd put "of faith" on the second line. The first line here seems really long compared to the rest of the poem.
because nothing is as concrete as soldiers -
nothing is as straight as an arrow.


I like the idea you portray on the second stanza, but I'm still trying to get the meaning of this; I have a hard deciphering your last pieces... Maybe it's just be. It's nice to see you post something.
#5
Quote by AngryGoldfish
because nothing is as concrete as soldiers I didn't care for the way this reads. Just sounds a little messy out loud; however, changing or re-arranging this part in particular could tamper-with and diversify meaning - so in short it's probably not worth screwing with.nothing is as straight as an arrow.I swear I'm not nitpicking, but I thought this was more or less just a cop-out comparison metaphor to lower this piece's ears more to your liking. It was hardly noticable the first read-through, but after a few examinations the thought that comes to mind is "this must've been one of the first metaphors he thought of, and just settled with it." I feel like maybe the delicacy you constructed in the lines previous is getting a lack of justice, so-to-speak.
these are my only qualms, friend. you've matured so incredibly well Dan, compared to when you first began posting here. really, really good job.

if you find the timey, could you have a look-see at mine? it's called "filter-dope Saulm."
spanks in advance.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#6
evocative. no zero nein no letdowns, which is always nice. I liked and agree with ZanasCross' comment. Even the title, good. Makes me think of full ammo pouches eh?
#7
I'm grateful to everybody who replied. Very appreciative. It's great hearing from you, Thom and Kent.

I'm definitely going to edit this as soon as possible before my desire for change disappears.

I'll be responding soon.
#8
Got a grip on that writer's block?
I'm glad. You have a very different voice, and this was direct and void of frills and something to reflect upon. Nice to see something from you.
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