#1
C4C


When I firstly saw the light of day,
it shined enough to take my mom away.
As the solstice gave birth to a season,
her sight darkened for a greater reason.

My dad fled to Russia in sixty eight,
but froze his bowels trying to defecate;
and, for some miracle, he made me dead.
Not even in tombstones we have met.

I jumped from lap to lap like a baton
in a relay race that was never won.
Nothing from them I ever took with me,
except a half sister’s virginity.

At fifteen, I made the road my home,
but it lasted less than what I hoped.
Three years later, I got my own place
at my image - just a vacant space.

But what more do we know,
in a life lived alone?
We got to build our own
resting net.

I hanged myself at least four times today.
My parents are here to show me the way
in times I was left as an orphaned child,
without a thing to make me feel beguiled.

But what more do we know
in a life lived alone?
We got to build our own
contact.
Last edited by seventh_angel at Jan 1, 2010,
#2
It's a tough story, but I liked it (the third and fourth strophes seemed the best). However, I found the words in the second strophe (specially the second verse) were chosen so that they rhymed, but contributes nothing relevant to the story. I might be mistaken (I probably am) but that's what I understood.
Great job!
#3
"When I firstly saw the light of day" should be "When I first saw the light of day", and "My dad flee to Russia in sixty eight" should be "My dad fled to Russia in sixty eight".

The last line of the first stanza sounds like it was just written to rhyme; it doesn't really sound like it means anything to me.

Other than that, I like it; I think it's an interesting piece.

C4C? Anything from my sig would be great.
#4
^I think he knows quite well what is grammatically correct, and so I think he wrote those lines, and others with the intention of adding an essence to the character. The unschooled orphan teen probably wouldn't be able to write a literally correct poem. But on the other hand I dont believe poems have to be either. Anyway I enjoyed reading this, it drew me in from the start and pulled me write down the page and into a white world of nothing.
#6
Quote by seventh_angel
C4C
When I firstly saw the light of day, firstly sounds out of place.
it shined enough to take my mom away.
And when she died for a better cause,
everyone contemplated what has thawed.
it feels like you're going for rhyme, not meaning here.

My dad fled to Russia in sixty eight,
but froze his bowels trying to defecate;
and, for some miracle, he made me dead.
Not even in tombstones we have met.
this is actually very good.

I jumped from lap to lap like a baton
in a relay race that was never won.
Nothing from them I ever took with me,
except a half sister’s virginity.
good and pretty unique.

At fifteen, I made the road my home,
but it lasted less than what I hoped.
Three years later, I got my own place
at my image - just a vacant space.
the way you present this idea is cliche. It feels like i've heard a million songs about living on the road and it doesn't work out.

But what more do we know,
in a life lived alone?
We got to build our own
resting net.
i like this idea, but it could be converyed more clearly.

I hanged myself at least four times today.
My parents are here to show me the way
in times I was left as an orphaned child,
without a thing to make me feel beguiled.
this feels like the first stanza all over again. i love the first line though

But what more do we know
in a life lived alone?
We got to build our own
contact.pretty decent ending.


If you clean this up, it'll be good. Hope I helped
#8
i really liked the two last stanzas.....especially this part
"My parents are here to show me the way
in times I was left as an orphaned child,
without a thing to make me feel beguiled."
Really good stuff.....keep it up.
Could you crit mine. It's not as good as this but i need some opinions lol. here it is
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1253824
My Music
http://www.myspace.com/theocifers
GUITARS:
Gibson ES-335
Gretsch Pro Jet
Guild Acoustic
1958 Harmony Hollowbody Archtop
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Vox Valvetronix AD50VT
Vox V847A Wah Pedal
Electro-Harmonix USA Big Muff
Danelectro Daddy-O