#1
ots. c4c when I get back from honeymoon.


Rolling remembrance through fingers;
I've angled this iron.
Backed myself into a corner
of magnetic alkalides;
pulsing energy into cyclic notions.
All these ideas in my head,
spinning as electrons
in a cloud of ionizing brutality;
beautiful. beautiful.
Ionization is a tango of
queen bees popping drones;
the loss of one for the
sustainment of colonies and swarms.
Grey matter blueprints
fall victim to dampening skies,
raiders without conscience.
Cumulonimbus charisma,
only striking in one place
delivering justice.
Beautiful. Beautiful.


#2
I may not be much help here, because this isn't my style; this seems to be a piece that uses lesser-known words just for the sake of it, which some people enjoy, but I've never been a fan of. Still, there were some parts I liked; for example, the part about queen bees seemed like a clever metaphor.

I'm not going to lie; I had a lot of trouble understanding what this was trying to convey. My only idea was drugs, just because the closest word I know to alkalide is alkaloid. Sorry that I can't be much help here. :/
#3
Haha Zach, your Physics jargon can alienate readers who aren't familiar with the concepts, even though you did well with using bees and the notion of tango to make the piece to connect more with the readers. The word 'Cumulonimbus' desperately felt out of place in this piece, and really ruined the flow. I am not sure what that word means but perhaps an alternative would be a good idea?

Not bad at all, it was a good read Zach.
#5
'Cumulonimbus charisma'

love that. wasn't expecting that.

I also think the scientific jargon is just a touch overdone, but really, it's you, so only change it if you feel necessary. I wasn't too keen on the 'beautiful, beautiful'

I'll come back to this.
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minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja