#1
Well I seem to have had a tendency of posting lyrics here about once every 6 months for a couple years now. Here's my latest. You can listen to the recording at www.myspace.com/katsumirichards I'd be glad to critique anyone else's work.

In and Out of Time

A lonesome note rests upon your desk
Written in scribbles from a half-filled ink pen
Or maybe half-empty like this glass I drink
Of poison that makes it hard to think or blink
Away the pain that envelops me
Washes me away into the sea
That'll take me and pull me underneath
Without time to say goodbye

You know it's hard for me to stay in line
With these clocks spinning in and out of time
I'll try to smile and try to act kind
But it's hard, it's hard, it's hard
And I know these words mean less and less
So I'll cut the worst and pick the best
It's not a reader's but lover's digest
Hardly fit for your magazine stand

But they all point back to the half-empty glass
Taking each drink like it's my last
But it disappears and I can hardly stand
On my feet at all
And in this glass I will drown
One more sip and it'll flood my lungs
I'll reach for life but I'll miss the rungs
And slowly fade away


tanks!
#2
It'd probably be better for you to post lyrics before recording the songs, so you can use any advice we give.

I think the line "Of poison that makes it hard to think or blink" would work better as "Of poison that makes it so hard to think".

I like "Without time to say goodbye" better as "Without time to wave goodbye", which is what it sounds like you say in the recording.

"But it's hard, it's hard, it's hard" seems like it would work better as "But it's getting harder all the time".

All of the being said, it's still a really good piece as is; I just think these changes could improve it.


C4C? Anything from my sig would be great.
#3
Quote by HIMKTR3000

Of poison that makes it hard to think or blink


The flow here is a bit off because of the 2 words that sound the same beside each other and it just doesn't sound as good as it could

Quote by HIMKTR3000

But it's hard, it's hard, it's hard


This doesn't sound all that good either. Instead you could put "But i know it's hard, that's what i find".

Quote by HIMKTR3000

So I'll cut the worst and pick the best


I also think this might be better if you added "out", like "So I'll cut the OUT the worst and pick OUT the best", this might be a bit to long so you might just add it to one of them.

Quote by HIMKTR3000

On my feet at all


I think this might be a bit to short compared to the other lines that you have. If in the song you had it fit to be as long as the others, it would probably sound good but reading it, it sounds a bit to short.

Anyways, that's it. Sorry if i don't know what i'm really talking about, this is only my second review of lyrics :p