#1
This is probably the last piece I'll post for some time. Lot going on in this one. Be brutal, this one's important. c4c (hopefully). ots. (it's a song, btw)

The Art of Not Being Seen


close your eyes, now float
erase your existence from the
memories of those that graced
the path that you have travelled on your own
close your eyes and fly
fly just like the angel that is
banging at the walls inside your head
a wise man once said:

“hold life like it’s falling through your fingers
hold your head up high like everything is
sinking all around you
hold life like it’s tangible and eloquently
placed inside your care, entrusted
solely to your keeping”

on my shoulder sits a talking bird
a beak without a mind,
I’m the mind without the beak
I’m bringing back time like in the sixties
bringing back crime like it’s religious
broken along the line
I’m trying to suffer your stare

but a life that’s seldom seen
and never heard lies in the dreams
of men and gods who fought for centuries
for this one fleck of dust in all
the universes mysteries, a thousand like it
traipsed across and endless, boundless
ocean scattered rocks upon the shore

la-di-da-da-da-da-da
choirs of angels sing you to your sleep
rock your little world
hello, my dear, please do not fear
I am just slipping in between
the falling raindrops and the why

hello, my lover, build your little fort
beneath the covers that you spread around you
a quiet halo in disguise
when the mirror gives you back no answer
and the water turns to gold
you can never know for certain
which was left for you to hold

hy-yi-yeah-ya-la-da
I’ll say good bye

but a life that’s seldom seen
and never heard lies in the dreams
of men and gods who fought for centuries
for this one fleck of dust in all
the universes mysteries, a thousand like it
traipsed across and endless, boundless
ocean scattered rocks upon the shore

say goodbye, señorita
you’ve got to be invisible
these days to pass for
anything
#2
those are song good lyrics, not too direct but not too far away either.

But the reading flow stop for me a little bit, but it probably fits into the song right?

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#3
Little lines here and there tripped me up, but mostly this was awesome. I'd love to hear a recording.
#4
I really like them!When I was reading the words I pictured them fitting in an epic song.Very interesting.
#5
I liked it. Each "verse" worked well in itself but didn't feel very connected to the other verses or the song as a whole. Strong verses but a little scattered. I think that if you focused on each "verse" at a time and expanded on them you could get 4 or 5 good songs out of this. Good ideas.
#6
Quote by kdownes


The Art of Not Being Seen


close your eyes, now float
erase your existence from the
memories of those that graced
the path that you have travelled on your own
close your eyes and fly
fly just like the angel that is
banging at the walls inside your head
a wise man once said:

“hold life like it’s falling through your fingers
hold your head up high like everything is
sinking all around you
hold life like it’s tangible and eloquently
I think this is too long, compared to the rest of the lines in this stanza.
placed inside your care, entrusted
solely to your keeping”

on my shoulder sits a talking bird
a beak without a mind,
I’m the mind without the beak
I’m bringing back time like in the sixties
bringing back crime like it’s religious
broken along the line
I’m trying to suffer your stare
^ This whole stanza doesn't add anything and it's very little poetic in my opinion.

but a life that’s seldom seen
and never heard lies in the dreams
of men and gods who fought for centuries
for this one fleck of dust in all
the universes mysteries, a thousand like it
traipsed across and endless, boundless
ocean scattered rocks upon the shore
I liked this whole stanza a lot.

la-di-da-da-da-da-da
choirs of angels sing you to your sleep
rock your little world
hello, my dear, please do not fear
I am just slipping in between
the falling raindrops and the why
I'm not sure about this stanza...

hello, my lover, build your little fort
beneath the covers that you spread around you
Another line that seems too long.
a quiet halo in disguise
when the mirror gives you back no answer
and the water turns to gold
you can never know for certain
which was left for you to hold
I liked this one a lot.

hy-yi-yeah-ya-la-da
I’ll say good bye

but a life that’s seldom seen
and never heard lies in the dreams
of men and gods who fought for centuries
for this one fleck of dust in all
the universes mysteries, a thousand like it
traipsed across and endless, boundless
ocean scattered rocks upon the shore

say goodbye, señorita
you’ve got to be invisible
these days to pass for
anything
Great ending.


It seems for me that this thing goes up and down both in quality and in relevance for the piece, although there are some flow issues that might be solved by the song's structure or something. I'm really looking forward to hear this.
#8
Quote by kdownes


close your eyes, now float
erase your existence from the
memories of those that graced
the path that you have travelled on your own
close your eyes and fly
fly just like the angel that is
banging at the walls inside your head
a wise man once said:

the 'close your eyes and float/fly' is unnecessary, it could be worked in effectiely but the imagery is lost when starting off the poem with that line. 'Float' has little to do with erasing memories, 'fly' does not describe the angel since it's in your head banging around... It just seems like lines put there for aesthetic value in a stanza of actual meaning

“hold life like it’s falling through your fingers
hold your head up high like everything is
sinking all around you
hold life like it’s tangible and eloquently
placed inside your care, entrusted
solely to your keeping”

a comma here and there would be nice between phrases. 'eloquently' sounds nice but doesn't make sense, perhaps 'elegantly'? 'solely to your keeping' would sound better in an active voice such as 'solely for you to keep' but if you feel that it'd throw off the flow, it's understandable

on my shoulder sits a talking bird
a beak without a mind,
I’m the mind without the beak
I’m bringing back time like in the sixties
bringing back crime like it’s religious
broken along the line
I’m trying to suffer your stare

okay. at first read I liked this (except for the last line... that bit sounds so gimmicky and teenage among the rest of this piece, maybe it's just how it's phrased) but after reading this again it just sounds silly placed in this. It has a nice attitude about it (bringing back time like in the sixties) but just seems out of sync with everything else. Maybe you could get the same point across but tweak the wording?

but a life that’s seldom seen
and never heard lies in the dreams
of men and gods who fought for centuries
for this one fleck of dust in all
the universe's mysteries, a thousand like it
traipsed across and endless, boundless
ocean scattered rocks upon the shore

favorite stanza, the flow here is like butter, not a single thing to trip over.

la-di-da-da-da-da-da
choirs of angels sing you to your sleep
rock your little world
hello, my dear, please do not fear
I am just slipping in between
the falling raindrops and the why

what raindrops? why is that there? it's not mentioned again

hello, my lover, build your little fort
beneath the covers that you spread around you
a quiet halo in disguise
when the mirror gives you back no answer great line
and the water turns to gold
you can never know for certain
which was left for you to hold

not keen on 'a quiet halo in disguise', I know it's an important metaphor in the angelic theme of the piece but it could be worded more eloquently. Last two lines sound cliche but it works so.. minor issue.

hy-yi-yeah-ya-la-da
I’ll say good bye

but a life that’s seldom seen
and never heard lies in the dreams
of men and gods who fought for centuries
for this one fleck of dust in all
the universes mysteries, a thousand like it
traipsed across and endless, boundless
ocean scattered rocks upon the shore

say goodbye, señorita why senorita?
you’ve got to be invisible
these days to pass for
anything
don't like the line breaks there


Hope that was of help. I really think this is lovely. You've progressed so much.
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#9
Thanks everyone, especially Saadia. I'll try to edit this tomorrow.

Zach, look forward to it as always.
#10
I liked it a lot. I loved how at times you used pleasant and happy imagery as well as powerful reflection on life. I really like how it was told more as a narrative than simply a monologue, that made it feel like a zen fairytale...or something. I love this stanza:
“hold life like it’s falling through your fingers
hold your head up high like everything is
sinking all around you
hold life like it’s tangible and eloquently
placed inside your care, entrusted
solely to your keeping”

It really does speak like wise words and it made me feel more upbeat just reading it.
of men and gods who fought for centuries

And that line was great. Also mentioning the universe in that stanza made the song shift into a more powerful mood, very smoothly.
#11
i didn't like the way you transitioned to the fifth stanza. but the fifth line in it is brilliant. I don't like the seventh stanza. The ending was great.
This was not you're best piece, certainly not you're worst either, but it feels like lately you've lost some of the life you had in older poems ie the ones in the collection, which I absolutely love. I dunno if it's just me, though.