#1
with my head stuffed in my pillow i couldnt tell
who was who or if it was you or
if you were stuck somewhere in the down
climbing around in the fluff, waiting for
the sun to get in my eyes and
the alarm to go off so i would wake up.

but no,
today the curtains were drawn
it was dark and i had no reason to wake
so my mind was stuck elsewhere
outside of the red brick green shutter house
yellow painted walls and flowery quilt
out flooding and catching and going
going
going
away and off and off and away...


-

i kissed you and you turned into someone else
was it you to begin with?
im not sure but i know
i know
it feels wrong and then right and then wrong
and whoever it is in between is
lost in my memory
im confused but cant control my motions
in the moments that pass, its just
perception
observation
confusion and
change


-


i walked downstairs and my father was there
he had been trying to tighten a bolt but
it just wouldn't turn
the wrench was crooked
his nerves were bent
there was a cat ive never seen before and
my dad just snapped
screamedyelledshoutedyelpeddsjafjdsafjendl
what the fuck is going on what just happened
should i help?
i'll go upstairs


-


i walked up a flight of stairs into a room in alanna's house
with her brothers there sitting with another girl
in her room was cj and carli
wait they arent talking
when did he come from williamsburg?
should i be here? does she know?
what
now i remember
we smoked earlier
wait no
there was no earlier
there was only
wait
wait
wait
please wait

we begin to speak and


-


disoriented
i hear you in my pillows again
caught somewhere between my blankets and stuffed hedgehog
im not sure who i mean by you, though
i just know its safe here
with the sun blinking in even through the curtains and
the warm cocoon of mismatched comforters


let me know you're here.
let me know its you
let me know its not just me.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#2
Quote by vintage x metal
with my head stuffed in my pillow i couldnt tell
who was who or if it was you or
if you were stuck somewhere in the down
climbing around in the fluff, waiting for
the sun to get in my eyes and
the alarm to go off so i would wake up.
I dislike the repetition of "or". Personally, I would remove the first "or" and add two commas where they would then be needed. The couple rhymes you have scattered about, intentional or not, I feel made this better. "somewhere in the down" I believe you need a comma after that. "the sun to get in my eyes and" I would have loved a better word than "get".

but no,
today the curtains were drawn
it was dark and i had no reason to wake
so my mind was stuck elsewhere
outside of the red brick green shutter house
yellow painted walls and flowery quilt
out flooding and catching and going
going
going
away and off and off and away...
I would love to see punctuation after "drawn". I don't like how you state that your mind is elsewhere and then explain where it is. In my honest opinion, if you were to remove the word "elsewhere" it would be more straight-cut and ultimately better. "Going" doesn't need to be repeated like it is.


-

i kissed you and you turned into someone else
was it you to begin with?
im not sure but i know
i know
it feels wrong and then right and then wrong
and whoever it is in between is
lost in my memory
im confused but cant control my motions
in the moments that pass, its just
perception
observation
confusion and
change
"I'm not sure but I know" I dunno what to think of this; usually I hate this sort of thing. The "I'm confused" bit could be done away with.


-


i walked downstairs and my father was there
he had been trying to tighten a bolt but
it just wouldn't turn
the wrench was crooked
his nerves were bent
there was a cat ive never seen before and
my dad just snapped
screamedyelledshoutedyelpeddsjafjdsafjendl
what the fuck is going on what just happened
should i help?
i'll go upstairs
meh.


-


i walked up a flight of stairs into a room in alanna's house
with her brothers there sitting with another girl
in her room was cj and carli
wait they arent talking
when did he come from williamsburg?
should i be here? does she know?
what
now i remember
we smoked earlier
wait no
there was no earlier
there was only
wait
wait
wait
please wait

we begin to speak and
again, meh.

-


disoriented
i hear you in my pillows again
caught somewhere between my blankets and stuffed hedgehog
im not sure who i mean by you, though
i just know its safe here
with the sun blinking in even through the curtains and
the warm cocoon of mismatched comforters
You have my attention again.

let me know you're here.
let me know its you
let me know its not just me.
Interesting


There were a lot of tense issues and I would have appreciated some punctuation here and there. Those tense issues were somewhat justified by the confusion though and added to that of being confused and uncertain. Those two sections that left me simply not caring, though perhaps vital to the confusion and uncertainty, they had little going by themselves.
Promises meant a lot back then.
#3
i saw you ask for help on this one somewhere so i figured id just look at it instead and say i thought the recent one was nice too by the way.


Quote by vintage x metal
with my head stuffed not a fan of this verb here in my pillow i couldnt tell
who was who or if it was you or
if you were stuck somewhere in the down
climbing around in the fluff, waiting for
the sun to get pretty weak verb here too in my eyes and
the alarm to go off so i would wake up. f luff-up works well

but no, im going back and forth on thinking this line does any work. id see what you think of it without it.
today the curtains were drawn
it was dark and i had no reason to wake
so my mind was stuck elsewhere
outside of the red brick green shutter house
yellow painted walls and flowery quilt colors and textures like shutters and brick do a lot for the environment here.
out flooding and catching and going
going
going
away and off and off and away...


-

i kissed you and you turned into someone else
was it you to begin with?
im not sure but i know
i know you say i know so emphatically by repeating and line isolating but your content in question is so unsure of itself, it seems silly
it feels wrong and then right and then wrong
and whoever it is in between is
lost in my memory
im confused but cant control my motions
in the moments that pass, its just
perception
observation
confusion and
change

id like this much more if it ended at perception. "it's just" seems to be lacking an anchor too. what is perception? maybe working in the idea of change and confusion in a line before perception describing what 'it' is aiming to refer to. what action, feeling or thing it is.

-


i walked downstairs and my father was there
he had been trying to tighten a bolt but
it just wouldn't turn
the wrench was crooked
his nerves were bent
there was a cat ive never seen before and
my dad just snapped
screamedyelledshoutedyelpeddsjafjdsafjendl
what the fuck is going on what just happened
should i help?
i'll go upstairs


-


i walked up a flight of stairs into a room in alanna's house
with her brothers there sitting with another girl
in her room was cj and carli
wait they arent talking
when did he come from williamsburg?
should i be here? does she know?
what
now i remember
we smoked earlier
wait no
there was no earlier
there was only
wait
wait
wait
please wait

we begin to speak and

this section did good to feel dreamlike but i feel like its so detatched from the audiences memories and experiences, its only purpose is to feel dreamlike

-


disoriented
i hear you in my pillows again
caught somewhere between my blankets and stuffed hedgehog i had a stuffed hedgehog from some national park way back haha
im not sure who i mean by you, though ohhhhh
i just know its safe here
with the sun blinking in even through the curtains and
the warm cocoon of mismatched comforters


let me know you're here.
let me know its you
let me know its not just me.

goood good ending


instead of saying disoriented and confused and words like that, id like to feel and see it more. strange, ethereal images, objects, angles, words, perspectives- something a little more.


i like this the more i read it but hope it can be made more enveloping. i think it wasnt gripping enough in the scenes. i like the idea but theres not enough. i know its long but id rather see it even longer and full than a little too thin. as long as youre not wasting words.

i like it though. thanks for your help lately too.


you go to virginia tech? thats too bad...
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#4
^ don't tell me you're an oooooova boy. I have a grudge against them oooooova boys!!!
(no worries, my brother goes there for med and business school. overachiever, I know.) If not though, where do you go?


Thank you, both of you, btw. I appreciate the thorough critiques so much, there's a lot in this that needed guidance. I've written it twice now and still can't get it how I want it.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja