#1
This is my first thing i've wrote in a while, i'm not to good with words and putting them together but i thought i'd try to write something tonight.
I love songs that sound upbeat but when u here the lyrics there really dark, so i tried to do that. So while i was sitting here having a drink i came up with this. Tell me what ya like or if u dont like it, feel free to crit me however you like, I will do the same if ya leave me a link to your work. Try to think of it with upbeat acoustic guitar chords played along with it.here it is

I'm pouring another drink tonight
I'm pouring another drink tonight
To take one last sip before i die
To watch the light fill my eyes
I'm pouring one last drink tonight

I'm sharpening all my knives tonight
I'm sharpening all my knives tonight
To make the cut far and wide
To pour out all the battered lies
I'm sharpening all my knives tonight

I've gone and lost my way alright
I've gone and lost my way alright
Could someone take me by the hand
And try to make me understand
How I've gone and lost my way tonight

I'm laying here thinking is there a light
I'm laying here thinking if there was a light
Please save us from this damned life
Then let us suffer through hell and strife
I'm laying here thinking where is the light.

I can not keep from crying tonight
I can not keep from crying tonight
Before I lived and now I die
For all I know I am a lie
I can not keep from drowning tonight
My Music
http://www.myspace.com/theocifers
GUITARS:
Gibson ES-335
Gretsch Pro Jet
Guild Acoustic
1958 Harmony Hollowbody Archtop
AMPS & EFFECTS:
Vox Valvetronix AD50VT
Vox V847A Wah Pedal
Electro-Harmonix USA Big Muff
Danelectro Daddy-O
Last edited by TeXaS_db at Jan 9, 2010,
#2
i think they are awesome lyrics and yeah if you get some cool chords and melody down itll be a sweet song
#3
listen to winston audio's "Troubles"......thats what i was going for music wise
My Music
http://www.myspace.com/theocifers
GUITARS:
Gibson ES-335
Gretsch Pro Jet
Guild Acoustic
1958 Harmony Hollowbody Archtop
AMPS & EFFECTS:
Vox Valvetronix AD50VT
Vox V847A Wah Pedal
Electro-Harmonix USA Big Muff
Danelectro Daddy-O
#4
you only have about eight lines total. IMO too much repetition.

Now Now children, no flaming.

Quote by Cous Cous =>
one day
these yu-gi-oh cards will pay off my mortgage
#5
I'm not sure how using each starting line for every stanza would work the way you do; saying each part two times in a row might get annoying. Still, I think it's a good piece.
#6
I don't really care about the repetition, it may sound good; but I don't find the lyrics all that dark. They are filled with already read imagery, which just doesn't make it credible at all. Still, I'd like to hear it, may sound cool.

Thank you for reading mine ^^
#7
I like songs that sound happy and upbeat but with dark words too, it sounds good to me.
I tried to make a signature listing all my gear, but I couldn't for 2 reasons.

1. I couldn't remember all my gear
2. My signature was too long for UG to process.
#8
i feel like that whole song is a chorus and you need to write a verse, but other than that it's pretty effin sweet
Gear:
Ibanez VBT700 V-Blade
Ovation Celebrity CSE24
Line 6 Spider III 15 watt
Line 6 Spider III 50 Watt
(working on getting rid of these amps...)
Crybaby Wah 535Q
MXR fullbore metal
Last edited by Deadly Zedly at Jan 4, 2010,
#9
thanks for the crits.....i think with the music it will sound a lil less awkward. listen to winston audios "troubles" and you'll kinda get the idea
http://www.amazon.com/Troubles/dp/B001N84E8M
this is the only place i could find that you can hear it.... but click on the preview button....it's only gives you like 30 sec but thats enough to give you the idea
My Music
http://www.myspace.com/theocifers
GUITARS:
Gibson ES-335
Gretsch Pro Jet
Guild Acoustic
1958 Harmony Hollowbody Archtop
AMPS & EFFECTS:
Vox Valvetronix AD50VT
Vox V847A Wah Pedal
Electro-Harmonix USA Big Muff
Danelectro Daddy-O
#10
I like the repetition actually. It could stand to be maybe a stanza longer but I do really like it.
BARG
Last edited by Crymsonblaze at Jan 7, 2010,
#11
i'm trying to come up with one more stanza...but i dont want to just throw something in there....i want it to mean something
My Music
http://www.myspace.com/theocifers
GUITARS:
Gibson ES-335
Gretsch Pro Jet
Guild Acoustic
1958 Harmony Hollowbody Archtop
AMPS & EFFECTS:
Vox Valvetronix AD50VT
Vox V847A Wah Pedal
Electro-Harmonix USA Big Muff
Danelectro Daddy-O
#12
Definitely definitely. Don't force it, just if you can think of another good one, it'd be cool.
BARG
#13
i put one more stanza to the end. i wrote a few and couldn't decide which to use....so i finally picked this one cause i thought it kept with the darkness a lil and tied in with some of the other stanzas. i'm still not really sure tho...so i thought i'd get yalls feedback.
My Music
http://www.myspace.com/theocifers
GUITARS:
Gibson ES-335
Gretsch Pro Jet
Guild Acoustic
1958 Harmony Hollowbody Archtop
AMPS & EFFECTS:
Vox Valvetronix AD50VT
Vox V847A Wah Pedal
Electro-Harmonix USA Big Muff
Danelectro Daddy-O