#1
sooo this song is when your in a bad mood. you know the first 10 minutes or so when someone or something got you incredibly angry? im trying to convey that feeling in this song.

Intoxicating anger leads to unparalleled destruction.
A thousand nerves shattered at one time, ones bound to hit the breaking point.
Hate now fuels this journey.
Synapses snapped, rationality decimated.
Good has been leveled, radiation now intoxicates all thoughts.
All these thoughts have led me to one conclusion.
At this point all I need is to see you suffer.
Give me the sanctity I need.
Before I must steal it, take heed, I can't think under the pressure of what I now need.
Get out my way, the knife that's rusted in my back will rip into yours.
Cut a hole through your soul.
Slit your hopes throat.
Break your dreams back.
And leave you paralyzed by fear.
Play with the devil, and see where that gets you.
Look me in the eye, are you willing to die?
Snoop to my level, and watch; as I revel.
Feel that chill run up your spine?
Mother****er, your mine.
The slave becomes the master.
The shackles around my neck will now slip tightly around yours.
Pull so hard...
Why the sour face?
I kept mine straight.
I would like nothing more than to see your face fragmented into nothingness.
Punch in your lungs, and watch the disgusting air exhumed out of your body.
Splinter your knee caps, watch you lie on the floor unable to get up.
Gouge out your eyes, you don't need them, don't bother to look at whats in front of you.
Death is not what I want.
I want to shackle you to the floor, and watch you crawl, begging to be let go.
Vengeance will come.
Death is only a dream for you now.
#3
hey thanks man. anymore feedback is greatly appreciated. glad you could relate in a way
#5
Wow. I hope you calm down before you see them again.
I think the emotion is there alright, like you really know what you're talking about...then again, we all can relate.
One thing, you end every line with a period. Probly on purpose. but. It. breaks. it. up. alot. I might understand if the tune was like a ranting start--stop--start kind of a tune. (If I'm making any sense) but just reading it is kinda broken up.

Now Now children, no flaming.

Quote by Cous Cous =>
one day
these yu-gi-oh cards will pay off my mortgage
#6
mhmm it's good, but I wonder how you are going to put music on this...
Seems to me that it is quite unevenly built up, and phrasing is a bit hard.
but i guess it'll be sort of death metal style (or something)
that could work
#7
Thanks for the comments guys I appreciate em. I'm glad you could relate. The period thing your right it does disrupt the flow but I need a way to distinguish thoughts. But yeah I can't see this song being anything other than a metal type song cause of the phrasing, irregular rhythm, and the rhyme scheme pretty much being non existent. I'm really glad you guys liked it and could relate
#8
That's really powerful.

A couple changes:

Using the word "thoughts" in back-to-back lines doesn't work; maybe change "All these thoughts have led me to one conclusion. " to "All this panic has led me to one conclusion", or something of that nature.

"Snoop to my level, and watch; as I revel." should be "Stoop to my level, and watch; as I revel."


Still, this is a very strong piece.

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1254126
#9
yeah your right about thoughts i couldnt think of anything to write to replace that without changing its meaning but panic seems like it would fit. ill take into consideration thanks. and of course stoop not snoop haha mistake from not editing enough
#12
Captures the emotion well, kinda reminds me of Papa Roach though when reading through it. It looks like it would fit rapping in parts, or sort of I dunno really. I do like it though but I just can't seem to fit it to music (by that I can't really put it in a genre I know).

What kind of verseing structure (vocally) do you intent to apply to it?
#13
I feel as though I could actually go out and repeatedly stab a hooker to death now after reading that. Awesome!
#14
The song would be metal in the vain of lamb of god black dahlia murder kataklysm. haha mono thanks for the comment im really trying to capture the first 10-15 minutes when your so angry your willing to kill someone.

Spartan do you mean vocal style? i would say a cross between black dahlia murder and lamb of god, fast with highs and lows. not just sticking to one part. have you heard fellsilent? somewhere in that vain.
Last edited by powerwhee at Jan 4, 2010,