#1
C4C.

I just wrote this, so I'd consider it to be the rough draft.

Edit: I've done a little bit of touching up, but not a lot. I'm thinking the title might be "Acceptance is the first step, right?".

INN (still working on a title.... maybe the title will just be Untitled?)

Broken medicine, all the rage
thirty dollars for a plastic bag.
Be warned the sun will burn your skin
be warned that you will draw within.

I promise never to go back again
I swear tomorrow this will end.
I just want to fly again
never as high as your first time.

Broken promise, scar again
never again, never again.
The look of anger on your face
boiling red, boiling rage.

I promise never to go back again
I swear tomorrow this will end.
I just want to fly again
you don't ask why on your first time.

Broken reason, broken trust
broken envy, broken lust.
Broken skin, and broken bones
broken windows, broken home.

I promise never to go back again
I swear tomorrow this will end.
I just want to fly again
you never die on your first time.

Broken hearts, numb again
reaching end, reaching end.
My last time is here again
my last hope is running thin.

I promise never to go back again (I lied)
I swear tomorrow this will end. (I lied)
I just want to fly again (I lied)
I don't want to lie again.


I lied.
Last edited by herby190 at Jan 1, 2010,
#3
Sorry, this isn't the final title. Since you're here, can you actually review the piece?
#4
I liked it....i think it would be a really good lil acoustic song....i really liked the rhyming in the 5th stanza, went well together. and the last stanza was a good closer. good stuff....keep it up.
could u crit mine.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1253824
My Music
http://www.myspace.com/theocifers
GUITARS:
Gibson ES-335
Gretsch Pro Jet
Guild Acoustic
1958 Harmony Hollowbody Archtop
AMPS & EFFECTS:
Vox Valvetronix AD50VT
Vox V847A Wah Pedal
Electro-Harmonix USA Big Muff
Danelectro Daddy-O
#5
I liked it very much. The beginning sucks you in and the rhythm of the song keeps it going at a steady pace. What kind of song musically would this be?

Broken reason, broken trust
broken envy, broken lust.
Broken skin, and broken bones
broken windows, broken home.

this would have to be my favorite part. i love the different imagery that is evoked yet is all connected in some way. great job
#6
Quote by powerwhee
I liked it very much. The beginning sucks you in and the rhythm of the song keeps it going at a steady pace. What kind of song musically would this be?

Broken reason, broken trust
broken envy, broken lust.
Broken skin, and broken bones
broken windows, broken home.

this would have to be my favorite part. i love the different imagery that is evoked yet is all connected in some way. great job
Well, it starts off acoustic, pretty simple, then adds in distorted guitar in the first chorus; by the time you get to the fourth verse, you're at double bass drumming, and the distorted and acoustic guitar playing together. If you have GP5, I could show you.
#7
I promise never to go back again
I swear tomorrow this will end.
I just want to fly again
you never die on your first time.

this spoke to me the most. that is because i found this to have the most emotion. other than the :
Broken reason, broken trust
broken envy, broken lust.
Broken skin, and broken bones
broken windows, broken home.

i the the repitition, it drills an image into your brain and makes you listen.
i liked it.
#8
I don't know; I don't see much originality in this...

It doesn't seem different than 80% of the lyrics out there. Try adding more personality to your lyrics; take a chance and risk; ignore traditional rhyming schemes. I think this helps you growing as a poet and a songwriter.

Thanks for getting to mine, and I'm sorry if this sounds kind of harsh.