#1
This is gonna be my last post for the next few months. I need to sort some stuff out with my life. I might be around. Have fun with this one.

Wake up.
Brush teeth.
Eat breakfast. (Cheerios)
Take shower get dressed.
scrape ice off car.
drive car to school.
work.
work.
lunch.
work learn work.
drive home ten miles per hour over the speed limit and
feel rebellious. Freak out and slam breaks when that cop shows up by the bowling alley.
Nap.
Make a sandwich, roast beef and provolone.
Work. Read about fall of Han Dynasty. Take half-assed notes.
TV. Write a poem.
Sleep.

Wake up.
Brush teeth.
Eat breakfast.(Cheerios)
Take shower get dressed.
Barely any ice on car, don't bother.
drive to school.
work.
nap.
lunch.
learn learn work.
drive home. cop. bowling alley. slam breaks.
Nap.
Sandwich. Feeling festive, provolone gets top bunk today.
Work, read about spread of Islam.
Also read some
Ovid, die of Metamorphoses. Not gonna remember it for that test tomorrow.
TV.
Sleep.

Ellipsis Ellipsis Ellipsis.

...
TV.
Sleep.
Wake up in the incoherently of the night, write a poem.
Goes something like

endless endings to meaningless days
provolone and iced cars for punctuation and
the consummate everything is miles away from here.
Cops like to bowl. Must stay alive only to
crash and burn fantastically 'cause that would be more exciting
than just dying now. Ovid scrapes ice off cars,
Every sandwich is TV packed. blurred life
going in and out of conciousness with a bowl of cheerios
following only two steps after. brushed together are a shower
and yesterdays midafternoon nap.

Go back to sleep.

Wake up (read over poem(throw away)).
Eat a sandwich.
make a cheerios take an Ovid
Sleep to car and scrape
roast beef off.
bother work to
brush a nap home to cop in a
dark alley. bowling pins nowhere to
be found provolone
festivity ellipsis Abraham
smudge goes somebodys giant thumb over
my increasingly squishy brain
learn work TV barely
car on lunch Freak half Dynasty
ellipsis
read
death
a
dressed
shower
work to
middle
goes like


boom.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#2
I really love this. It has so much emotion and yet remains poetic. The beginning was shakey at parts, but the second half was beautiful. One of my favorites from you for sure.
Hope everything works out.
#3
I love this piece; I especially like that the second one was reduced down from the detail the first one had, to give a stronger feel of repetition. I also like the way that as you get to the end, everything just blurs together. I think you could have thought of a stronger ending though; this may just be to me, but I felt no impact at all when I read the word "boom".

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1254126
#4
I like the ending, the entire poem starts small, swells, then exits quietly. U2 did a song called "Numb" on the same subject.
#5
This is genuine and it doesn't deserve to be ripped apart and compared to something. it's good writing.

that's enough.
#6
This is great.
I love how you fit the different poem in the middle. I'm not usually a fan of something this disjointed, but it really worked!!

I like the details, like the cop coming out of the bowling ally.
good job.

Now Now children, no flaming.

Quote by Cous Cous =>
one day
these yu-gi-oh cards will pay off my mortgage
#7
Thanks for your words guys.

And just because it's genuine doesn't mean it doesn't deserve criticism or something like that.
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#8
this is good. not great but good. conceptually you seem to be coming into your own, i mean, i could see where this was going by the second repetition of the daily routine but it's still admirable and originality and unpredictability is the hardest thing in the world to write. some of your phrasings are still awkward and clumsy though. they just come off as juvenile, occasionally they're humorous, which i'm sure is your intention, but sometimes you walk a fine line between funny and hokey. still this was good.
#9
man, i was impressed. not to the point where i wanted to read it over and over again, but it's always interesting to see the perspective and creativity that routine can beat out of a person.

the best part imo, was the poem within the poem.
good job.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#10
Nice thought behind this. As far as critiques go you could probably cut down the length of the beginning but for what it is, it's good, and I applaud you for trying something different.

Your writing will be missed, try and drop a line here and there when you can
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#12
Quote by thiru
When you dream you lose all of your 5 sences.dreams are visions of reality.Lose your dreams and you will lose the vision of reality and you will be dead.
__________________________________________________
primobolan
Brooklyn Airport Shuttle Service



liked it, was good......but in reference to the post i quoted there...who said that? was that you? cos i like it
#13
You've grown as a writer from what I can tell from the last two pieces I've read from you. It's a refreshing style and voice that seems to have really expanded into a personal style, a choice that you can really use and work with to better your thoughts.

It's not technically great, but it's got a great use of colloquialisms that again improve the voice.

Good job;

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