#1
Hey all! One more new one here.

This one is probably my most doomy recently, but it still has its black metal sections. Not as dense as the others I've posted recently though; the keys dont do as much. To me this one kinda sounds like Opeth, Ikuinen Kaamos, The Fall of Every Season, Lantlos, Irrwisch and Drudkh.

I think this is probably the final version, but I dont know. We'll see what UG thinks, eh?

C4C, as always. The more you write, the more I write back. Enjoy!
Attachments:
Ashes of the Earth.zip
Quote by MoogleRancha
It's like Fenriz and J. Read

"I'm so happy to love metal and stuff"

"I AM metal"
Last edited by Burning_Angel at Mar 3, 2010,
#2
A was ok I suppose. I didn't really some of the clashes in chords. I think you should have used mostly 3rd chords or 2nd chords in the opening part and maybe some power chords. Also, sorry to be nitpicking here but it goes out of key at bar 5. I did like this part it's just that when it goes out of key it throws me off.

I like B mostly. It's nice and laid back and builds tension. I didn't like the out of key part at 26 though.

A-1 is just plain nice. Really mellow yet dark and creepy sounding. It's sweet.

C is really, really nice. I like how you've gone here. A kind of breakdown. However, there was no build up to this. I feel as though the song is just constantly building up to a release that never happens. Maybe you could put a faster or heavier part inbetween A-1 and B to release the tension of the buildups.

D is great, but yet again it is a breakdown kind of section. But it is really nice. The song seems to be taking a more emotionally provoking route. I think the A-1 part after D isn't really necessary but I suppose it splits up the song slightly, which could be a good thing.

D-1 is another perfectly fitting route to take after D. It goes on a bit long though. Then the drums kick in. They sound messy but this is the release I was talking about earlier. But it comes in too late.

The drum twist section is great (for the drums) but is pretty repetitive now.

A2 doesn't really fit the song because it seems to have been established as a slower and more emotional song. The change makes the song seem inconsistent as you go back to the slower breakdown style later in the song.

I think you should remove some of the slower parts and add something different. not necessarily aggressive and over the top but something that doesn't sound like a breakdown. Otherwise, the song just seems to build up towards nothing.

Also, add the faster part in earlier or not at all as it makes the song inconsistent as the formula pretty much goes: slow, slow, slow, slow, FAAASST, slow slow. It makes the song weird.

I really liked the song except for the anti-climax and a few out of key moments. I'd give it a 7/10 and with work I could see this as being a pretty decent song. Sorry if any of that seems harsh but I'm just giving an honest opinion. There were lots of good points too.

Crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1253949
Last edited by leotus at Jan 1, 2010,
#3
Meh, yeah I can see where your coming from. I don't know enough theory to really care for keys; most of the out of key moments were somewhat intentional though. Like all of the second harmonies in A. I find doing that kind of stuff much more interesting than doing just straight 3rds the whole time.

And atmospheric Black/Doom isn't for everyone [which is pretty much this piece. It's all about atmosphere]. So yeah.

Thanks for the crit though, nice to have some outside thoughts. I'll get to yours when I get the chance.
Quote by MoogleRancha
It's like Fenriz and J. Read

"I'm so happy to love metal and stuff"

"I AM metal"
Last edited by Burning_Angel at Jan 1, 2010,
#4
I'm not in the mood to give a very in-depth crit at the moment sorry, so bare with me.
I liked the song. Sounded great, the intro was a bit odd but the rest of the song was awesome.

I'll give it a 9/10
#5
Thanks Kaempfer. Glad you enjoyed it. I have made a few changes, as documented in the OP, thanks to some suggestions from Leotus.
Quote by MoogleRancha
It's like Fenriz and J. Read

"I'm so happy to love metal and stuff"

"I AM metal"
#6
Its too late right now for me to do a really in depth crit but so far...
The Bass needs to be turned down a teensy bit,
If you added a solo guitar of vocals over the top of it, it would sound better cuz its kinda reppetitive,
And some notes dont really seem to fit.
Overall pretty good... 7.5/10
#7
Hey champ. Crit time, as promised!

The first half of A's progression bears resemblance to post-metal or neo-folk - sort of in the vein of Agalloch's The Mantle - and serves a strong starting theme to the piece, but I couldn't help but be bothered at first by the rather abrupt leap to the second half of the progression.
After a couple listens, it all set in, so what I'm thinking is maybe you could start off with a modified progression, with a more digestible melody, and using different chords voicings and what not, lead it into that more black-metal esque sound? As a bonus, there'll be variation ahoy! I'll experiment myself with it and upload whatever I come up with. =]

Theme B is pretty wicked, dude. Very melancholic, and a good follow-up to the opening theme. My only complaint is that in bars 21-22 and 29-30, that chord clashes with the melody! Easily fixed though - I made it an augmented fifth (the 5th string would be on the 7th fret rather than the 3rd), and while there's still a flat-fifth harmony between the rhythm and melody, it sounds a little more coherent. I still feel like even with that though, there's some dissonance - but I WILL find a way around it!

A - 1 is freaking TREMENDOUS (a word I don't use often, mind you!). Beautiful revisitation of theme A, even though the similarities are so minimal. I really love these sorts of variations and revisitations; where you get that sort of momentary nostalgia from feeling some connection or familiarity, but it's still a whole new concept in its own right. The first time I checked, there was some hefty dissonance, but it's all clear, so great job!
The segue back into the original A worked great because of this, and it was a welcome shift in pace. And speaking of shifts in pace...

C - Well done! It comes across as slightly irrelevant, but I really don't care It serves as a great interlude to the piece; there's a new colour, tone, and atmosphere (and I know you're all about the atmosphere!). There's not much else to be said here.

D - Nice segue into this one - it comes off to me as slightly clumsy (not that it's out of time or anything), but I really like that factor, particularly since it leads into the doom-laden chords ahead. Very nice melodies, and clever use of vibrato for a new sound.
I like that D-1 has a simplified melody without all the big harmonies, making the sound sparser. D's just a smorgasbord of clever variations all around; sparse, low end, syncopation, double bass, tremolo - it all works out really well.

The A variants that followed were well paced too, and everything flowed great - I have no complaints at all here (I'll check back though, as I'm a little worn out from balancing our meebo conversation with critting for over an hour on end plus, I don't want to mislead you or give you a false sense of security ). What I will say though, is that the Drum Twist was pretty damn elaborate - I love it! It's over the top, but it compliments the piece, and the last roll worked RIGHT into the blasts.

There's not really much I can add at the moment, besides that section flows and segues into one another nicely. D was a great climax to the piece, and I can hear some counter-vocals between harsh and clean happening here. And what a way to end the piece - nice use of C, and it was nice to hear it again. But you know what I really like? The final chord - it doesn't resolve in a traditional way (it still serves to conclude the piece) so it would work great as a tension builder (holder?) for the next track. Wicked-awesome.

Well dude, it's been an hour and a half of juggling our meebo with this crit (you'd better give me something awesome in return ), but I'm done for today! I'll have another listen either tonight or tomorrow, and edit my post if I have to, but I think that covers everything.

I hope this helps out - or pushes your ego up a bit, whatever - and keep on writing!

Take care and take it easy,

Alex
#8
That definitely helped out a lot [whilst still boosting the ego, too]! Thanks for the crit, I always LOVE to see someone go in depth like that. I will do my best to return the awesome-ness!

And about the clean harsh dueling you could hear going on in D... Right on man. That section is so heavily influenced by The Fall of Every Season, I'm definitely gonna be putting some counter vocals in there when I get around to writing lyrics.

And finally... the Bb Minor ending chord. I liked the way it ended things too. I tried to keep things generally in Bb Minor territory for the key, or whatever it resolves to... But I just really liked the sound of the Bb Minor to end it.
Quote by MoogleRancha
It's like Fenriz and J. Read

"I'm so happy to love metal and stuff"

"I AM metal"
Last edited by Burning_Angel at Jan 2, 2010,
#9
Cool stuff. Not generic in the least bit, very draggy and melancholic. I think it's exactly what you're trying to achieve. I enjoyed it due to it's sheer originality (while retaining a very listenable sound), and I listen to math/death/metalcore. Props homie.
We can only guffaw at all the humbug we are told about martyrs.
#10
Thanks man, that was pretty much precisely the goal.
Quote by MoogleRancha
It's like Fenriz and J. Read

"I'm so happy to love metal and stuff"

"I AM metal"