#1
i'm shipping out of here for a bit, going to travel and see some of the world. will continue to write but I won't be posting as much, i'll crit you guys back.

I sit well by porcelain dolls
I’m very partial to
the grins, and their
comatose smiles
behind vague shadows.
I sit well in old wicker chairs
nudging sooty embers
into the hearth
as the clock pauses
for a minute, or two.

so I'm going to crack these dolls
into a million different pieces
just to see my smile
in their jagged little edges.
Last edited by Hendrix_fan_14 at Jan 1, 2010,
#2
Maybe I'm just dense, but I didn't quite get it. If you sit well with the dolls why would you crack them? I guess it didn't make much sense to me.
But I love your word choices. partial, comatose, vague...you use very powerful words and IMO that makes the poem worth reading.

Now Now children, no flaming.

Quote by Cous Cous =>
one day
these yu-gi-oh cards will pay off my mortgage
#3
Quote by Hendrix_fan_14

I sit well by porcelain dolls
I’m very partial to
the grins, and their
comatose smiles
behind vague shadows.

The first line is fine, nothing more. I felt like the next three caused a little redundancy, commenting on grins and smiles. I think one or the other would have suited it better, then replaced the one you leave out with another facet of a doll, to give a more round view of the dolls.

I sit well in old wicker chairs
nudging sooty embers
into the hearth
as the clock pauses
for a minute, or two.

This is better and more coherent, word choice is nice and it reads easily without effort.

so I'm going to crack these dolls
into a million different pieces
just to see my smile
in their jagged little edges.

The idea here is nice, "a million different pieces" seemed a little weak, but the last two lines i really enjoyed, the image and the way it read were both spot on.

It is clear you have a way with words, but perhaps for the full effect here you needed to take a little more care with your choices and spend more time developing them to create something which is a great read, rather than a good one.
#4
I agree with what was said earlier, that having both grins and smiles seems too repetitive; I think you should get rid of the grins line, then follow the comatose smiles line with a different description of the doll; maybe it's eyes. Overall though, I think it's a well written piece, although "a million little pieces" seems like a very cliche phrase, and one that I'd consider replacing.

P.S.:You have no idea how long that took to type out on an iPod touch.

C4C?https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1254126