#1
Yes, I'm depressed and lonely the last few days. Figured I'd write it down before I lose the feeling.

It's just another lonely day without you
You were here yesterday now your gone
Happiness was here yesterday
Why did it just fade away?
You were all to me
Now you are all I want to see


I'm trying!
To keep from crying!
I'd be better off dead!
WITHOUT YOU!
Without you!
Life isn't worth living without you
I'm broken and misconstrued
Without you

I lie here awake at night
Dreaming of the day I see you again
Maybe I'm just too blind
To get you off my mind
And no matter how far away
I'll be there for you night and day

Until then..


I'm trying!
To keep from crying!
I'd be better off dead!
WITHOUT YOU!
Without you!
Life isn't worth living without you
I'm broken and misconstrued
Without you


Tell me what you think. What needs work? etc. etc.
#2
I took sort of a quick look at this. At first glance it seems like there's just too many Without Yous. Like the entire chorus is mostly without you, and it just seems forced. The entire song seems sort of forced in my oppinion. Although perhaps this sounds really good with the melody, I'm not sure. Also this song seems like its been said before, if that makes sense. It doesn't really stick out to me as anything special. It's a good song, and it gets the message across, I just feel like its a message thats been said soo many times. And this song doesn't really express that overly familiar message in any new ways. I feel ike I've seen this song before almost.

This ihowevers all my oppinion ofcourse, and without hearing the melody I can't critique it quite as well. Lyrically however, I feel like it's got potential, but I don't feel the message was delivered, all that well, throughout the song.
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#3
Thanks. This is why I mainly stick to speaking with and only with the guitar. I feel like I can get my message across more unique and clearly, but I want to have something with lyrics. I'll see what I can do. In all honesty this was written in 5 minutes. I'll see what I can do with it.
#4
I've gotta say that I agee with Johnwashere. I feel like i've seen the song before. Still, I liked the chorus, esp. the rhymn of trying and crying. You don't here that one so often. usually its crying and dying.
Not bad, keep up the good work.

Now Now children, no flaming.

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