#1
I originally posted this in the S&L FreePost thread because I didn't think it could warrant it's own thread. However, after reading the rules, I realize it will probably be fine here. If not, I'll gladly delete it and re-post it in the FreePost thread.

Basically, this is the synopsis for a concept album I am starting. I personally like it, and there is stuff I wanna add to it, but I thought it wouldn't hurt to get critiqued for it. So, any ideas are definitely welcome (that is what this forum is for, after all)

With that, here is the story (currently unnamed):

A man is deeply in love with a woman, but she is playing him. She cheats on him, and it breaks his heart. He cannot cope with the pain he is feeling as a result of the betrayal, so he goes to a surgeon and has his heart surgically removed. This leaves him a cold, feelingless person. His now ex-girlfriend tries to make him jealous with her new man, but he cannot feel a thing, and she effectively leaves his life forever. He then loses all of his friends because he just doesn't feel anything anymore. He is alone...until he meets a girl who makes him feel again. He falls for her, and she gives him her heart and they fall for each other. Tragically, the girl is killed, and because she is sharing her heart with him, he dies as well. They are reunited in heaven; their two souls together, forever.

Thoughts?
Seattle Seahawks


Quote by chookiecookie
i feel like you have an obsession with aubrey plaza.


Quote by WCPhils
at least we can all agree SGstriker is the woooooooooooooooooooooorst
#3
Quote by Equivalence
I liked the part where he surgically removed his heart but i thought the ending was rather cliché. I'd definitely give it a try though.


Another direction I was thinking about going was that the ex-girlfriend comes back and kills the new girl, leaving the protagonist alone and heartless again, forever.
But it didn't seem right to end it so depressingly for some reason.
Seattle Seahawks


Quote by chookiecookie
i feel like you have an obsession with aubrey plaza.


Quote by WCPhils
at least we can all agree SGstriker is the woooooooooooooooooooooorst
#4
Or, rather than they be together in heaven forever, you play off of the idea that death finally brings peace to his feelingless existence and kind of just leave it at that. I don't know if that's what you're looking for or not, but I definitely agree it wouldn't make sense to end it so depressingly and the ending you gave us was a bit too cliched. Good luck btw and Equivalence is right, you should definitely try it.
#5
Quote by canvasDude
Or, rather than they be together in heaven forever, you play off of the idea that death finally brings peace to his feelingless existence and kind of just leave it at that. I don't know if that's what you're looking for or not, but I definitely agree it wouldn't make sense to end it so depressingly and the ending you gave us was a bit too cliched. Good luck btw and Equivalence is right, you should definitely try it.


I dunno..I like the idea behind that, but he was happy after he met the new person, then, she dies and he dies...presumably, they'd die at the same time since they are sharing a heart, and therefore, he would die happy...and wouldn't want to die in that case since he is no longer feelingless...

EDIT: I'm probably going to put updates and shit on blogs on my profile. I'm already working on the first song...both music and lyrics, and I'm about halfway done. If Iwere to give updates on this, it'd get way too long and the mods most likely wouldn't care for that too much.
Seattle Seahawks


Quote by chookiecookie
i feel like you have an obsession with aubrey plaza.


Quote by WCPhils
at least we can all agree SGstriker is the woooooooooooooooooooooorst
Last edited by SGstriker at Jan 3, 2010,
#7
Well i love concept albums, they're kinda my thing

I think the tale you've laid out is fairly classic in, but it's promising content.

Obviously you have a stark contrast of various passionate emotions (love, envy, despair, etc) and these will counter well with Solitude and Cold hearted 'logical' thought patterns.

Building up a palette of moods and emotions like that is a great idea for a concept record.

One area in which it is lacking, for me, is the simplistic 'real world' nature of the characters (IE, normal people in relationships with friends etc) Vs the fantasy element of having your heart physically removed and still being alive, and this bond the main character shares with the new lover, which causes them both to die at the end.

I think you could take this further by developing a world / platform for this story to take place. Making the characters 'larger than life' to better suit the story.

Perhaps it takes place in a galaxy far far away! Perhaps the Main character and his Ex Girlfriend were aliens of some kind?! Maybe when he has his heart removed, its replaced with a machine, and so maybe he falls in love with a machine instead! Who knows.

So yeah - cool stuff, but i could use a bit more Fantasy and a bit less Reality
#8
If you're just looking for opinions on an idea then you should do that in the Techniques sub-forum. Once you actually have it written then feel free to post it here. Read the rules first though. Thanks.