#1
Leaving Hypothermia

This city changed overnight
Stars no longer fall
The barks washed away as trains collide
And you'll never return

In dark waters I sleep
Through cold mirrors they creep
Your soul on sale for cheap

This person changed overnight
Tears no longer fall
The bridge washed away by a rising tide
And you can never return

In dark waters I sleep
Through cold mirrors they creep
Your soul on sale for cheap

This beauty changed overnight
I no longer fall
Regret washed away by despite
And I'll never return

In dark waters I sleep
Through cold mirrors they creep
Your soul on sale for cheap

Floating aimlessly
Adrift on a snowflake
Leaving hypothermia
Amidst a boiling lake

Soul on sale for cheap

When this familiar warmth fills me up
I see your future slowly grow
And so this blueish, trembling vein
Lifts my lip, sinks my brow

In sweet relief I sleep
Through walls I hear you weep
Your soul on sale for cheap

Soul on sale for cheap
#2
I quite like it. The only real criticism that I have is the section with the triple rhyme (chorus?):
In dark waters I sleep
Through cold mirrors they creep
Your soul on sale for cheap

I think the 3 rhyming words might make it sound a bit awkward when played. I do really like the "Soul on sale for cheap" image though.
1 2

Little solace comes
to those who grieve
as thoughts keep drifting
as walls keep shifting
and this great blue world of ours
seems a House of Leaves

My Rig
Quote by Will Swanson
HeavyReverb = Hero of The Pit 2010.
Quote by I-Shot-Jr
You sir are my absolute hero.
#3
Quote by HeavyReverb
I quite like it. The only real criticism that I have is the section with the triple rhyme (chorus?):
In dark waters I sleep
Through cold mirrors they creep
Your soul on sale for cheap

I think the 3 rhyming words might make it sound a bit awkward when played. I do really like the "Soul on sale for cheap" image though.


Thank you! Yeah, I tried to do something slightly "alternative" with the chorus rhyming-scheme... I'm not a big fan of stuff rhyming too much (especially if the rhyming seems forced), so I definitely see your point I hope and believe that it'll work well in context with music though

*goes look for something by you I can read/critique*