#1
radical, bro. c4c. ots. etc.

yr a god.
spinning top
down a turnpike
of reverse rotation.
banter with the boys,
hold yr hands like holes,
and peek through a periscope,
cause things are always looking up.
cool yr kant and nihilistic slant
for a lit up beach in san pedro,
where all yr fires look like stars,
when examined from afar.
cut yr teeth on the barrier reef,
and bleed til the great whites
offer a ride to the hospital.
decline.

lay with yr woman
on top of the ocean;
suckle the sea salt
and swallow pollution.
spend a day carving cliff face,
make sure it smiles.
hold hr hands like kaleidoscopes
because things are always looking
pretty pretty.
get yr house on a hill,
with a basement but no attic.
(no one likes an over-compensator.)
act in the play viewed once in 8th grade,
the arthur miller one.
(no burning witches at yr stake.)

kill yr children,
leave yr wife.
sit atop the roof,
look down and claim.
throw yr shit from the
gutters. yr gold and yr silver,
yr pity and guilt earned
over the years.
forget what was learned
over the years.
yr a god.
watch your kingdom burn.

lone
some
old
man.
#2
I'm not sure how much i like this, i mean i know i like it, but it's hard to gauge how much.

The obvious thing that jumps out is the choice to remove the vowel's from the word "your", it pains me a little to see it, but in a way it works. At least, in doing so it made me read the whole piece differently than i would have otherwise, as if i was reading it in a different dialect which gave rise to a certain persona which was developed throughout the piece.

Despite the language and images being a little detached at times, it still managed to pull me through the little story with ease and one thing i particularly noticed was how it was written in a sort of languid style but defies this somehow by seeming quite well put together.

All in all, i'm not quite sure how much i like it, different facets of the piece leave me torn. There's is no doubt that it's certainly interesting however.
#3
I really enjoyed this. The first thing that jumped out at me was obviously the "yr" which quickly grew on me, as I read it sounding more like "yer" than "your" which changed the voicing. Really awesome.

lay with yr woman
on top of the ocean;
suckle the sea salt
and swallow pollution.

pretty, sir, pretty. i liked this a lot. it grabbed me from the very beginning and didn't let go until the end. really strong ending, too. always a great read.
#4
I hated the 'yr' by the end, which maybe is the point, but it just annoyed me. I didn't like the repetition of 'pretty pretty' in the second stanza either. Everything else was beautiful.
#5
It's definitely interesting. I like it. I don't mind the "yr" and "hr". It made me want to read it more, actually. It thought it was unique and added a voice to piece. This is a good thing since just about every story that could be told has been told, and you found a way to scrape into the "fall from grace" story and find a new way to tell it; of course I'm not only talking about "yr" now. It had an edge, but it wasn't in your face. It's familiar, yet different.

I wish I could find something that I think you should work on, but I really can't. This is fantastic, especially for an OTS.

Care to read and comment on mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1261558
#6
i didn't expect this to pop back up. the 'yr' thing was equal parts voice and symbolism. i did it because it adds character but there's also a reason it only says 'your' once in the whole piece. anyway thanks everyone, i'll try to return crits in good time.
#8
you got it. yeah the yr added to the beat feel, reads faster, emphasizes shit, etc. you know that. just sayin.

this was well played out.

nothin short of radical
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me