#1
on to something, c4c.

On the streets of Ho Chi Minh
Something draws me out of my hotel room
and into Ben Thanh Market,
the smells of green papaya,
arabica beans and
steaming pho incense worship.
On the ground lies street vendors
their wares swallowing receding pavement,
shoes, sunglasses, books, cigarettes
all sweltering under comatose skies.
Inside, a slouching mess of
rusting metal and aluminium cans,
past flesh, fish and fowl brimming in
sweet and sour hot pots, I drink
the cool Ha Long tea before
stumbling outside and away
from the market, the drones
of the distant shop keepers
always on my lips.

Down sprawling alleyways
where the sun retreats and the
south westerly breeze flits in and out
of street corners, of cracks.
Clusters of people move throughout
the streets already lit by halogen
lights and neon fare.
Department centres, tourist traps
of spinning webs while outside rests
determined souls, families clutching
ice teas as waves move past,
their wares, their pleas ignored.

and I find myself in the night market,
stumbling in the haze of smoking meats
glistening in herbs and chicken fat.
As I barter relentlessly over a few cents
my skewer is already cracked,
and golden.
Last edited by Hendrix_fan_14 at Jan 7, 2010,
#3
as the guy before me said, you gave a really good, precise image, you make it a place I (personally) would like to pay a visit xD
What style of music would you go for?
#4
As always, great. Loved everything about it, but, just for fun or whatever, you could take out prepositions or location identifiers (if you get my idea). For example, take out parts where you switch scenes, or say inside. I dunno.

if you could crit this...
Last edited by hippieboy444 at Jan 7, 2010,
#5
Thank you for your kind words. Terribly sorry that I haven't replied till now, terribly rude of me. Had an extremely busy couple of days backpacking on some 'see everything' tour.

Will remove some identifiers, thanks.

Also just drop me a link on what you want critiqued everyone.
Last edited by Hendrix_fan_14 at Jan 7, 2010,
#6
This was an excellent read yo, I really enjoyed this. I really love/admire the way you tickled all my senses with your very vivid imagery. Your punctuation and diction were very well done and each line flowed incredibly well. A very solid piece you have here

Edit: If you ever have time, check out 'I'm not afraid to die'. Here's a link: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1257110
Last edited by Bleed Away at Jan 7, 2010,