#1
So I'm reading Sherlock Holmes: A Study In Scarlet.

"How in the world did you deduce that?" I asked.

"Deduce what?" said he, petulantly.

"Why, that he was a retired sergeant of Marines."

"I have no time for trifles," he answered, brusquely; then with a smile, "Excuse my rudeness. You broke the thread of my thoughts; but perhaps it is as well. So you actually were not able to see that that man was a sergeant of Marines?"

"No, indeed."

"It was easier to know it than to explain why I knew it. If you were asked to prove that two and two made four, you might find some difficulty, and yet you are quite sure of the fact. Even across the street I could see a great blue anchor tattooed on the back of the fellow's hand. That smacked of the sea. He had a military carriage, however, and regulation side whiskers. There we have the marine. He was a man with some amount of self-importance and a certain air of command. You must have observed the way in which he held his head and swung his cane. A steady, respectable, middle-aged man, too, on the face of him -- all facts which led me to believe that he had been a sergeant."

"Wonderful!" I ejaculated.


Post your own.


Quote by Våd Hamster
Find a dice and assign a number to each girl. Throw the dice.


The number you hope for at the moment you throw the dice, is the one you'll want to keep.
#2
inb4 bible related quotes
>>-(ಠ_ಠ-<<
>>-(. Y .)-<<
>>> . (<<<
>>-( Y )-<<
Quote by dudetheman
Dude, your fucking sig creeps me out.

Quote by Kosh H
I just noticed his sig too...I feel uncomfortable now...

Quote by WantsLesPaul
Your sig killed my boner _


DIY SO-CAL PUNK LABEL
#3
inb4 Twilight quotes
Quote by Riffofthebeast
hitler could have conquered the entire world if he just sent an assasin to every enemy country and have their leader assasinated
#4
"(Exeunt, persued by a bear.)"
-Shakespeare

Best stage direction of any play, ever. Bears are awesome.
Quote by ozzyismetal
Neopowell, that's because you are a pumped-up sex offender.
Quote by Kensai
You're exactly the kind of person who'd have sex in a bar drunk
Quote by Zero-Hartman
You're a terrible, terrible man. This is a new middle for you.

I write things. You can read them.Essay on UK student riots
#5
Quote by mario61
inb4 Twilight quotes

Thread title says serious writing, not shitey fanfic style writing.
#7
i remember reading the same thing in middle school and laughing out loud, TS.
#DTWD
#8
everyone knows james joyce, right? finnegan's wake? ulysses? the dubliners?

here is an example of the letters he wrote to his wife:

To NORA

Dublin 8 December 1909



My sweet little whorish Nora I did as you told me, you dirty little girl, and pulled myself off twice when I read your letter. I am delighted to see that you do like being ****ed arseways. Yes, now I can remember that night when I ****ed you for so long backwards. It was the dirtiest ****ing I ever gave you, darling. My prick was stuck in you for hours, ****ing in and out under your upturned rump. I felt your fat sweaty buttocks under my belly and saw your flushed face and mad eyes. At every **** I gave you your shameless tongue came bursting out through your lips and if a gave you a bigger stronger **** than usual, fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside. You had an arse full of farts that night, darling, and I ****ed them out of you, big fat fellows, long windy ones, quick little merry cracks and a lot of tiny little naughty farties ending in a long gush from your hole. It is wonderful to **** a farting woman when every **** drives one out of her. I think I would know Nora's fart anywhere. I think I could pick hers out in a roomful of farting women. It is a rather girlish noise not like the wet windy fart which I imagine fat wives have. It is sudden and dry and dirty like what a bold girl would let off in fun in a school dormitory at night. I hope Nora will let off no end of her farts in my face so that I may know their smell also.

You say when I go back you will suck me off and you want me to lick your ****, you little depraved blackguard. I hope you will surprise me some time when I am asleep dressed, steal over to me with a *****'s glow in your slumberous eyes, gently undo button after button in the fly of my trousers and gently take out your lover's fat mickey, lap it up in your moist mouth and suck away at it till it gets fatter and stiffer and comes off in your mouth. Sometimes too I shall surprise you asleep, lift up your skirts and open your drawers gently, then lie down gently by you and begin to lick lazily round your bush. You will begin to stir uneasily then I will lick the lips of my darling's ****. You will begin to groan and grunt and sigh and fart with lust in your sleep. Then I will lick up faster and faster like a ravenous dog until your **** is a mass of slime and your body wriggling wildly.

Goodnight, my little farting Nora, my dirty little ****bird! There is one lovely word, darling, you have underlined to make me pull myself off better. Write me more about that and yourself, sweetly, dirtier, dirtier.


JIM
#DTWD
#9
Quote by uk.mace
So presumably this is the bit you found funny?
You know ejaculate just means to blurt something out. (Mmk, that doesn't really help) But it doesn't always mean penile discharge.



Quote by primusfan
*farting nora*

Jesus ****ing christ


Quote by Våd Hamster
Find a dice and assign a number to each girl. Throw the dice.


The number you hope for at the moment you throw the dice, is the one you'll want to keep.
#10
James Joyce is halarious.
Quote by ozzyismetal
Neopowell, that's because you are a pumped-up sex offender.
Quote by Kensai
You're exactly the kind of person who'd have sex in a bar drunk
Quote by Zero-Hartman
You're a terrible, terrible man. This is a new middle for you.

I write things. You can read them.Essay on UK student riots
#11
primusfan
To NORA

Dublin 8 December 1909


My sweet little whorish Nora I did as you told me, you dirty little girl, and pulled myself off twice when I read your letter. I am delighted to see that you do like being ****ed arseways. Yes, now I can remember that night when I ****ed you for so long backwards. It was the dirtiest ****ing I ever gave you, darling. My prick was stuck in you for hours, ****ing in and out under your upturned rump. I felt your fat sweaty buttocks under my belly and saw your flushed face and mad eyes. At every **** I gave you your shameless tongue came bursting out through your lips and if a gave you a bigger stronger **** than usual, fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside. You had an arse full of farts that night, darling, and I ****ed them out of you, big fat fellows, long windy ones, quick little merry cracks and a lot of tiny little naughty farties ending in a long gush from your hole. It is wonderful to **** a farting woman when every **** drives one out of her. I think I would know Nora's fart anywhere. I think I could pick hers out in a roomful of farting women. It is a rather girlish noise not like the wet windy fart which I imagine fat wives have. It is sudden and dry and dirty like what a bold girl would let off in fun in a school dormitory at night. I hope Nora will let off no end of her farts in my face so that I may know their smell also.

You say when I go back you will suck me off and you want me to lick your ****, you little depraved blackguard. I hope you will surprise me some time when I am asleep dressed, steal over to me with a *****'s glow in your slumberous eyes, gently undo button after button in the fly of my trousers and gently take out your lover's fat mickey, lap it up in your moist mouth and suck away at it till it gets fatter and stiffer and comes off in your mouth. Sometimes too I shall surprise you asleep, lift up your skirts and open your drawers gently, then lie down gently by you and begin to lick lazily round your bush. You will begin to stir uneasily then I will lick the lips of my darling's ****. You will begin to groan and grunt and sigh and fart with lust in your sleep. Then I will lick up faster and faster like a ravenous dog until your **** is a mass of slime and your body wriggling wildly.

Goodnight, my little farting Nora, my dirty little ****bird! There is one lovely word, darling, you have underlined to make me pull myself off better. Write me more about that and yourself, sweetly, dirtier, dirtier.


JIM


this is amazing. who the **** would write that to their wife???
#12
Quote by beatreebor
this is amazing. who the **** would write that to their wife???

James Joyce.
#13
Quote by primusfan
everyone knows james joyce, right? finnegan's wake? ulysses? the dubliners?

here is an example of the letters he wrote to his wife:

To NORA

Dublin 8 December 1909



My sweet little whorish Nora I did as you told me, you dirty little girl, and pulled myself off twice when I read your letter. I am delighted to see that you do like being ****ed arseways. Yes, now I can remember that night when I ****ed you for so long backwards. It was the dirtiest ****ing I ever gave you, darling. My prick was stuck in you for hours, ****ing in and out under your upturned rump. I felt your fat sweaty buttocks under my belly and saw your flushed face and mad eyes. At every **** I gave you your shameless tongue came bursting out through your lips and if a gave you a bigger stronger **** than usual, fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside. You had an arse full of farts that night, darling, and I ****ed them out of you, big fat fellows, long windy ones, quick little merry cracks and a lot of tiny little naughty farties ending in a long gush from your hole. It is wonderful to **** a farting woman when every **** drives one out of her. I think I would know Nora's fart anywhere. I think I could pick hers out in a roomful of farting women. It is a rather girlish noise not like the wet windy fart which I imagine fat wives have. It is sudden and dry and dirty like what a bold girl would let off in fun in a school dormitory at night. I hope Nora will let off no end of her farts in my face so that I may know their smell also.

You say when I go back you will suck me off and you want me to lick your ****, you little depraved blackguard. I hope you will surprise me some time when I am asleep dressed, steal over to me with a *****'s glow in your slumberous eyes, gently undo button after button in the fly of my trousers and gently take out your lover's fat mickey, lap it up in your moist mouth and suck away at it till it gets fatter and stiffer and comes off in your mouth. Sometimes too I shall surprise you asleep, lift up your skirts and open your drawers gently, then lie down gently by you and begin to lick lazily round your bush. You will begin to stir uneasily then I will lick the lips of my darling's ****. You will begin to groan and grunt and sigh and fart with lust in your sleep. Then I will lick up faster and faster like a ravenous dog until your **** is a mass of slime and your body wriggling wildly.

Goodnight, my little farting Nora, my dirty little ****bird! There is one lovely word, darling, you have underlined to make me pull myself off better. Write me more about that and yourself, sweetly, dirtier, dirtier.


JIM

this was my reaction reading this:






lol
#14
Quote by primusfan
everyone knows james joyce, right? finnegan's wake? ulysses? the dubliners?

here is an example of the letters he wrote to his wife:

To NORA

Dublin 8 December 1909



My sweet.... ....dirtier.


JIM

u get an eek stack


#16
Another piece of great stage direction from an otherwise serious-as-hell play:

TINKER enters and cuts off CARL's hands.
CARL scrabbles around in the dust.
TINKER watches.
CARL tries to pick up his hands. He can't, he has no hands.
Quote by ozzyismetal
Neopowell, that's because you are a pumped-up sex offender.
Quote by Kensai
You're exactly the kind of person who'd have sex in a bar drunk
Quote by Zero-Hartman
You're a terrible, terrible man. This is a new middle for you.

I write things. You can read them.Essay on UK student riots
#17
So we had to read "Wuthering Heights" this year, and they used "ejaculated" so many times, as well as a couple other words like that... we'd read it out loud in class, and the awkward teacher would draw attention to the fact that it said "ejaculated".
#18
Quote by neopowell
Another piece of great stage direction from an otherwise serious-as-hell play:

TINKER enters and cuts off CARL's hands.
CARL scrabbles around in the dust.
TINKER watches.
CARL tries to pick up his hands. He can't, he has no hands.


Neo?? Shit I'm late to the party. Welcome back old chum, all that jazz. How goes things?



Sanity is not statistical
#19
Quote by neopowell
Another piece of great stage direction from an otherwise serious-as-hell play:

TINKER enters and cuts off CARL's hands.
CARL scrabbles around in the dust.
TINKER watches.
CARL tries to pick up his hands. He can't, he has no hands.

sounds like Cyanide & Happiness
Quote by Zero-Hartman
I just Google "Elephant penis", and was strangely aroused.



Apparently, I'm a good shitter

Quote by TomusAM
jonne.i just took the best dump I ever seen
#20
"[Dies]
...
[Dies]
...
[Dies]
"

- Hamlet, Shakespeare. Funniest ending in a tragic way
❝Don't be afraid of death, but of an inadequate life❞
Bertolt Bretcht


#21
Quote by Low_End_Rocker
Neo?? Shit I'm late to the party. Welcome back old chum, all that jazz. How goes things?


Pretty good. I left the Pit to concentrate on writing a play, 20,000 words later and it's finished. Now I'm waiting on some inspiration for another one. Good to see you, dude.
Quote by ozzyismetal
Neopowell, that's because you are a pumped-up sex offender.
Quote by Kensai
You're exactly the kind of person who'd have sex in a bar drunk
Quote by Zero-Hartman
You're a terrible, terrible man. This is a new middle for you.

I write things. You can read them.Essay on UK student riots
#22
Quote by neopowell
Pretty good. I left the Pit to concentrate on writing a play, 20,000 words later and it's finished. Now I'm waiting on some inspiration for another one. Good to see you, dude.


A play you say? Gotcha, so all those women were indeed "legitimate" actresses.

Don't wanna clog up this thread, wanna give me a run down of the play via pm or comment?



Sanity is not statistical
#23
This reminded me of "The Eye in the Door" by Pat Barker. Most of it is serious war literature, but there's a gay sex scene right at the start:

"Prior unscrewed the jar, greased his c*ck with a mixture of vaseline and spit, and wiped the residue on Manning's arse..."

Every time I got the book out, someone would want to read that bit, out loud
#24
Almost all of Catch 22.
They say the old woman's got the wisdom
'Cause she couldn't read the clock anymore
She said "The numbers don't represent the moments"
Says she don't see what all the ticking's for