Pocket Change - c4c

ellie counts the tiles of my roof
and i try to match my breath
to her steps
as she hums (she never sings),
drags her feet
and insists we sleep on the floor
so i never have to fix the sheets.

and i love her.

i tell ellie about
every dream and every coin
that i left to die in wishing wells
and she tries to understand,
but she doesn't believe in what i believe
and thinks it's the prettiest thing
that i still dream.

and i love her.

they told me i couldn't be an astronaut
because i lacked the stomach and i lacked the heart,
so i tore apart the tiles of my roof
hoping to carve mountains instead of stars
and ellie was there to fill my hollow arms
with the smooth of her skin
and the solace of sin.
and whispers that she wants some of my clothes to take back home
because if i'm not there, at least she'll have the memory to keep her warm
and i told her i loved her
not because she hums and never sings
or how she breathes when she sleeps,
but because she can find the beauty in everything,
even the coins that die for our dreams.
Wow, this great. Of course I don't know your exact inspiration, but you seem very passionate about it, and that's all you need. Excellent.
I enjoy Music

Very well done. I can't recommend anything I think would improve this piece, fundamentally. I just have a question about word choice. Tiles on your roof? Do you mean ceiling? Roofs don't usually have tiles, and in the first verse you go from counting the tiles of a roof (which would require you to be outside, or on the roof) to sleeping on the floor. Which leads me to believe you're talking about ceiling tiles.

Other than that exceptionally minor usage question, this is absolutely fantastic.
When crying don't help
You can't compose yourself
It's best to compose a poem
An honest verse of longing
Or a simple song of hope...
This was brilliant. I wasn't too much of a fan of the repeated "and i love her." and I thought the ending was a little... maybe brusque or terse, I was just expecting a little more. But it was wonderfully written throughout and I really enjoyed it. One of the more refreshing things I've read on here in a while.

Really good lyrics. I just thought this part
"with the smooth of her skin
and the solace of sin."
sounds a little staged, or rather a little forced.

But overall I really dig them!
so you went to school to relearn how to smile?
I think this incredible..really enjoyed this.I percieved it as fluid and loved the story."match my breath to her steps as she hums (she never sings)" you matching your breathing patterns to someone's personality trait= i thought that clever
Unlike Michal, I felt like the repeated "and i love her", but I'm a huge fan of repetition that aids a piece. This is a wonderful piece of writing, and congrats on the WotW.
i feel like i've read this before...
as in, a lot of pieces posted here seem to be a lot like this.

no discredit to the author, it's a cute piece.
O! music: Click (Youtube)

^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
Thanks everyone! I really appreciate it. I've been coming here for a long time to check the WotW and WotM, but rarely post, so this means a lot to me. This was completely unexpected and a really pleasant surprise. So thanks again for reading and liking it!
Wow, congrats. This was a beautiful read.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist

e-married to
& alaskan_ninja

i've read this 3 or 4 times now. it's got that nice sentimentalist slant without being syrupy. it's really just wonderfully executed and sweet. great job.