#1
for fun, had the thought for a while


i wanna hold your hand
i still wanna hold your hand
i suppose i'll always wanna hold your hand
as long as the song is still copyrighted and
comes on every so often
through radio waves or brain waves or
little silver disks or
something new i don't know of yet or
something else.


i guess i love you, p.s.
Quote by Arthur Curry
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Last edited by vintage x metal at Jan 4, 2010,
#2
liked the title a lot, didn't really connect much with the stanza but wasn't bad, not bad at all, but really did dislike that ending. it's not like that's so original to just go out and say. use a metaphor, and maybe there'll be luck/skill, and it'll be a good one. just no more words 'you' 'i' and 'love' in the same sentence, without a strong enough counter-weight. 'i guess' wasn't strong enough. peace
#3
let's have a little history lesson here:
the beatles have a very famous song called 'I want to hold your hand', which is what the stanza alludes to. they also have a song called 'p.s. - I love you' which the last line alludes to. the title is a reference to a friend of George Harrison's, Ravi Shankar, who is probably the most famous sitar player in history. 'i want to hold your hand' wasn't inspired by anything or anyone; rather, it was made to be marketable.

none of it really makes sense without knowing the background
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it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#4
if i'm reading into this correctly (and i hope i am), i feel like this piece mirrors the elegance-in-simplicity that those named beatles songs have. it taps into that type of vibe and that's what i like most about it. also, i like the irony in thinking about someone you love while hearing a love song that was made for solely commercial purposes. it adds more depth to it.

i could nitpick but i don't want to because there is nothing major that I personally have a fault with. I'll be more of a help on your next one.

I promise.
here, My Dear, here it is
#5
ryan if you have time you can just go to my last piece, dream sequence, it needs some work
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#7
Something tells me this would feel right at home as part of a series. Not necessarily at the start, but somewhere in the middle.
#9
Quote by vintage x metal
let's have a little history lesson here:


worst way to respond to a critique, ever.

park1229781k is right in my mind,
I will only add that the reference drop did not seem well executed to me, and even knowing the "historical content" (haha!) it still feels like a huge disappointment as an ending.

as for the piece as a whole, it felt cute to me, but I'd definitely cut the last line. It's teeny. it's not bad, but for most readers, you'll need more than that to get this labeled as "poetic" or "clever", and you have to be at peace with that.

Just my 2c, keep it up.
#10
^ I only mention it because that line is supposed to be viewed as meaningless, hence the 'I guess' and starting off with a song that didn't mean anything to begin with. The whole poem is kind of taking a shot at how nonchalantly love songs are produced and how famous they get without having much substance behind it.

If that wasn't clear, than I probably just executed my poem poorly and needed to be more obvious, for which I apologize. I'll work on it. I'm not trying to argue with you or anything, I just wanted to clear it up, and I appreciate your input.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#11
let's have a little history lesson here:


really have offended my delicate southern sensibilities here, feathers are ruffled, oh ma gosh, it's about to pop off, splinters and shards flying all over the place

hmm.. now that i know the 'story', it, um, well, it loses whatever it may have had to me, whether that might be the so-called 'mystery', of like , where did silver discs come from(?), kinda cool.. or whatever it 'might've' been.. - "out the window". i do still like the title though - but, this time, only when I think about it as being apart from 'The Beatles', for some reason..
Last edited by parkt921k at Jan 5, 2010,
#12
^ ... okay...

'silver discs' are CDs. if the comment I first left sounded patronizing, it wasn't meant to be at all. I don't expect everyone to catch a reference, nor know about every little thing I write about, I just figured it'd be helpful since that's all it was about. I'm a bit surprised that people would react this way. I don't know what I did to you or if I hit a nerve or something but whatever it is I'm sorry.

actually, I'm probably just going to take this down in a bit.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#13
no no no, sorry, I was being tongue-in-cheek there a little bit, being a little cheeky in that I was going to leave like a bit of a negativ second critique, saying that I liked it less now that I knew the story behind it. But no, didn't hit any nerves, no harm no worries. And I think it's best being like that, when you have something up yourself, and I just posted a story called something about reaching around . peace