#1
I'll catch up on my crits soon. sorry.


It was always such a waste to watch the stars
blinking through leaf-less trees, but we did anyways.
I used to be a coyote running into the setting winter sun
hoping to ride it round the earth till I was back over your house
and jump down to your roof and howl until the moon came up.
Today I was back in town after all those years,
but I slept through your funeral.
I couldn't sleep all week, and I finally nodded off in my car
outside your old place on meadowlake street.
It was over by the time I woke up.
I'm on my way away for good now and
it was always such a waste to waste time without you,
so I might as well look up at the stars from the wooded winter roads of the eastern coast.

Right now as I'm heading back around the car from taking a piss over the gaurd rail
the clouds cover over the sky and,
I look down and watch my feet and nothing else move me.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Jan 7, 2010,
#2
Quote by jiminizzle
I used to be a coyote running into the setting winter sun
hoping to ride it round the earth till I was back over your house
and jump down to your roof and howl until the moon came up.

I'm not sure about this part,
on one hand it takes a bit of time to get through,
on the other it adds a bit of depth to it

The third last line was a bit of an awkward fit with the rest of this,
but all qualms aside I liked this
#3
thanks taylor. ill play around with those parts cause i kind of agree with you. ill keep an eye out or let me know when you post something new.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#4
Quote by jiminizzle
I'll catch up on my crits soon. sorry.


It was always such a waste to watch the stars
blinking through leaf-less trees, but we did anyways.
this was a good way to open the poem, direct
I used to be a coyote running into the setting winter sun
hoping to ride it round the earth till I was back over your house
and jump down to your roof and howl until the moon came up.
as said above, this was just a bit... off. maybe it's the wording, but the image seems silly. the idea of chasing the sun back to the house is great though
Today I was back in town after all those years,
but I slept through your funeral.
I couldn't sleep all week, and I finally nodded off in my car
outside your old place on meadowlake street.
It was over by the time I woke up.
this is fine, but it's really just... fine.
I'm on my way away for good now and
it was always such a waste to waste time without you,
favorite line. such a universal sentiment.
so I might as well look up at the stars from the wooded winter roads of the eastern coast.

Right now as I'm heading back around the car from taking a piss over the guard rail
the clouds cover over the sky and,
I look down and watch my feet and nothing else move me.
i think the emotion (or, well, lack their of) of this stanza could be played out more effectively, it doesn't quite hit

This is good but it isn't great. It has so much potential though. I'm not a fan of rewriting but if you have the chance to tweak this some, I think it could be improved miles.
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