#1
Hey guys,

my name is Simo, I'm 18 and from Berlin, Germany. I'm actively writing lyrics. I play in a band. We don't have myspace or anything but I'll keep you informed (unnecessary information, whatever).

So, this song kind of summarizes my memories of my last christmas vacation. It's not completely done yet. But I'll share my lyrics with you, because I kind of want to know what English speaking people think about them. Feedback is appreciated, and I will comment on your lyrics, too. If you give me the link, that is (or if I find them :P).

Everybody talks of ordinary romance, every letter's the ****ing same.
as I was just about to pull you back into the train.
well, I kind of missed it
and everybody witnessed. my failure
but I'll still wait for. the next one
to come and take us home
I guess that's just the world we're thrown. in
of which we don't expect to land hard on
yet we do
yet they'll too

And I'm waiting for my flight to Cuba.
thinking about what I could choose from.
It's gonna be another night in the departure lounge.
waiting 120 minutes and I'm just about.
to run out of cigs, whatever.
I smoke to pass time, how clever
isn't it?

I remember when you used to be.
Alice for two hours or three.

That's how far I've come. I am gonna finish it within the next days. But it's really hard to write English when you're German. Criticism is much appreciated!

mfG

Edit: I put dots at the end of each rhyming words.. so you understand it better :P
so you went to school to relearn how to smile?
#2
"Every letter's the f*cking same." This early in the song, an unnecessary curse can stick out. By using the f-bomb here, you set a belligerent (and dare I say, "angsty") tone I don't think really fits a piece like this. You might want to drop the curse, and put in a more neutral word. "Every letter seems the same." "Every letter reads the same." "Every letter's exactly the same." Etc.

When you say "Yet we do. And they'll too." I assume you mean: "Yet we do. And they will do it, too." I don't believe it's incorrect, but when you use a contraction in English (IE: "they will" to "they'll") you need to use a verb, not just imply one. "They'll too." Technically means "And they will, too." But it sounds awkward. "They'll do it, too" works, as does "And they will, too." Either or.

"Cuba" and "choose from" is a slant rhyme. (Nothing wrong with that.) But when you sing this, be careful not to force it. Say "choose from." Don't mash it together and sing "Choosefrom" to make it more closely resemble "Cuba." That can really mess up a song's flow if a singer forces words that kind of rhyme to fully rhyme.

"120 minutes" is an odd way to say that span of time. "Two hours" would be the more common way to phrase it.

"For two hours or three." Is a big stumble. In English, the measurement of time almost always comes after the number of said measurement. (IE: "It'll take me five or ten minutes to get ready." "I only slept for three or four hours last night." "You used to be Alice for two or three hours.") I understand you phrased it the way you did to make it fit the rhyme scheme, but it sticks out really badly. In conversation, this habit is relaxed a bit. "I was only gone for two hours. Maybe three." But lyrics are composed, not freewheeling streams of thoughts, with very little revision (like conversation.) So I'd fix that line.

Overall, though, your writing is very strong. Not even just for a non-native speaker. There are some neat ideas here. The piece just needs a little tweaking. Nicely done.

Oh, and you said you put periods where the rhymes would be. "To come and take us home. I guess that's just the world we're thrown. In." Does this mean you'd pause after "thrown" then sing "in?" I'd really consider just singing "thrown in." Again, it's not a perfect rhyme, but it flows better, and won't break the rhythm.
When crying don't help
You can't compose yourself
It's best to compose a poem
An honest verse of longing
Or a simple song of hope...
#3
Hey Allnightmask22,

Thank you for your feedback.
I thought about the swear word quite a lot, I had the same thought, too. But I'm not trying to write a "schemed" song.. with an climax at the end. I kind of try to express feelings. I had other ideas than "****ing" and I really was unsure about that line, I guess I'll change it. It's just a rough draft, anyways.

Yupp, that's the things you don't learn at school, haha. I'll change it to "They will, too."

I will not force them to rhyme, I'll sing them just as they sound, I think you can hear the slant rhyme from there!

Okay, thank you for the information. As I said, I will probably add/revoke a lot of stuff in these lyrics. I'll keep them updated! I usually write them while being on a train and listening to music.. or at night.

Thank you very much about the hour part, these are the things you do not learn at school, haha.

And again here, thank you very very much. That gives me a lot of enthusiasm to go on writing English lyrics!

It does not mean that I pause. I just thought I'd clarify it (not in the means as "you might be too stupid to understand", but rather "so you don't get confused").

mfG
so you went to school to relearn how to smile?
#4
I disagree about the swearing, i like it early on, has a dramtic impact on the nature of the rest of the piece. It really shows his hate for the constant droll of samey romanticism, i liked it so far, keep going, i'd like to read it all

oh and thanks for checking out my song too mfG
#5
Thank you very much!

I changed the chorus a little bit... I will update it when I'm completely finished.
so you went to school to relearn how to smile?
#8
Probably Indie/Alternative.. slower with a "charged" ending..
so you went to school to relearn how to smile?