#1
This is my first song i completed the lyrics of. Its about betrayal n stuff like that. There are some points in it i might want to change, especially in the chorus, but im pretty happy about the result as its my first song :P btw, the chorus will be under the verses seperatly dont know where to fit them in yet

verse 1
Dear diary what have I done, am I tripping or am I alive?
He has hurt me so bad but no one heard my cry's
It tore my soul away, ripped my flesh apart from my bones
He has to stop it now or I'll lose total control.

verse 2
Dear diary I'm back again this time I've gone insane
He tried to kill me now but I mastered his own game
Trying to trick my mind, almost made me crack
About to give in to him but then all just went black

verse 3
Dear diary please talk to me I don't know where I am
Finally escaped his grasp maybe I'm finally save
Got away from his will and ran as soon I left the void
I haven't seen him since and Im slowly becomming paranoid
Just keep wondering where the hell can he be

verse 4
****ing diary I won't write again I finally tought it trough
I grew to never trust anyone and all this time it was you!
How could I be so blind I was such an open book
Really hoped I would wake up but it wasn't a dream


chorus
You can never break me down, Do you hear me?
I will always stand my ground, just try to touch me!
Can you tell me if you understand it clearly.
Run and hide behind your mask, you are so cowardly!

critics please
#2
Doesn't sound half bad... I hear really loud awesome metal guitars under this for some reason xD
#4
Any chance we can co-operate on this? I'm better at writing music than lyrics. Perhaps we could make a good partnership
#5
reminds me a bit of Eminem and Didos "Stan" ...

I like it, sounds interesting and imo, a sad acoustic riff and some effects in the background like rain or something like that would match perfectly.
C4C?

Take a look at my profile!
#6
verse 1
Dear diary what have I done, am I tripping or am I alive?
He has hurt me so bad but no one heard my cry's
It tore my soul away, ripped my flesh apart from my bones
He has to stop it now or I'll lose total control.

There are a few grammatical errors which need fixing. Also, to jump from total control (I take it this literally meant total, as in, you're entirely in control) to losing it, meaning you have none, seems like quite the leap for just one line. quite the leap in general, really. These lines seem pretty cliche, but I suppose it's to be expected from your first song. I liked the imagery of flesh from bone.

verse 2
Dear diary I'm back again this time I've gone insane
He tried to kill me now but I mastered his own game
Trying to trick my mind, almost made me crack
About to give in to him but then all just went black

saying 'His own game' doesn't make much sense. you already said it's his, own isn't needed there. This verse is somewhat confusing and cliche, and you seem to be forcing rhymes out of yourself.

verse 3
Dear diary please talk to me I don't know where I am
Finally escaped his grasp maybe I'm finally save
Got away from his will and ran as soon I left the void
I haven't seen him since and Im slowly becomming paranoid
Just keep wondering where the hell can he be

Safe, not save. I don't mean to be nit picky, but grammar/spelling is a pretty good tool to use. The second and third line seem to be replica's of each other, with different wording. Again, cliche, but i don't fault you for it. I write cliche stuff all the time.

verse 4
****ing diary I won't write again I finally tought it trough
I grew to never trust anyone and all this time it was you!
How could I be so blind I was such an open book
Really hoped I would wake up but it wasn't a dream

More spelling and grammatical errors. The third line kind of clashes with itself, but if you pay enough attention to it, I guess it doesn't.


All in all, it wasn't that good if you put it against any song, but it was actually pretty decent if you pit it against other people's first. I know my first was much worse than this. You show potential and I really hope you stick around, keep writing, and eventually win Writer of the Month.
#7
I know it has some (alot) spelling errors, but thats because english isnt my native language. and some things dont make sense thats what i ment with wanting to change them.. Thanks for the posts everyone

oh and btw, i wrote it with heavy metal guitars on the background in my head to :P