#1
Just a little diddy I was working on, these are just the verses no chorus or anything yet. All constructive crit welcome! Thanks in Advance!


Put on a party its time to play tea
akin to the handbag which hangs at your knee
which upon further inspections, not as nice as it seems
upon further deception, a girl of no means

Smile and laugh, pretend that ones new
glue on your heel will be coming off soon
and its your reaction, to head for the door
forget satisfaction, she'd rather stay poor

Stumbles inside, peeks in the room
baby boys sleeping or so she assumes
crying now, he wants a meal
crying now, she glues back her heel
#2
WOW at the first two verses, third ones good, but the last two lines dont seem to fit as well as the rest of it does. i think its the third line there, seems too short to me, the repetition also doesnt fit in the last lines imo, but i cant think of any way to change it. im looking forward to seeing choruses anyway, very well done!
#3
Thanks for the compliments. Yeah, I felt as you did about that 3rd line in the 3rd verse, it does seem a little a short, although to be honest it was mostly just a holding place so i could finish it out.
#4
I see where RockRoots42 is coming from.

It all blends fairly well, and is telling a somewhat meaningful story- but the from 3rd stanza, 3rd line on sound forced, so it'll have the same 4 line format as the rest.

Could try rearranging it as

He's crying now, 'cause he wants a meal
She's crying now, as she fixes that heel

(c4c Psychosis in my sig, please? )