#1
The cuts you weave,
And the scars you leave,
Ripped into my heart.
Blood sprayed,
Whilst you played,
And left me screaming in the dark.

You rip it out of my chest,
Still beating,
And throw it to the ground.
Toss back your head,
And cackle,
Leaving me watching, spellbound.

I scream, I yell,
On my way down to Hell,
You take pleasure in my pain.
My flesh, you sear,
My eyeballs, you pierce,
My torture is your joy.

You finally thrust the dagger,
Cold into my chest.
Ending it for me.
A sigh of relief escapes,
The last words I hear:
"Did I hurt you? I'm sorry."


Once again, be as brutal as needed
Last edited by SonOfSanguinus at Jan 7, 2010,
#2
Ending it for me.
A sigh of relief escapes me,

maybe dont end them both with "me"

thats all i can think of though, this piece is wicked
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#3
its good i liked...coulda been a bit more metaphorical but thats just wat i really enjoy in lyrics..all in all good stuff...oh and jw wat did i do u said watch for getting it closed
#4
It didn't do it for me, use the word me less and it would be better, also try using metaphors more. To avoid being straight forward. Otherwise it has great potential an the first 2 lines are great, thanks for the crit have a good one.
Quote by herby190
When I saw that, I thought of musical notes.... my elementary school teachers taught them as "tee-tees" "ta-tas" and a bunch of other nonsense....
#5
I'm torn with this, because I like it but some of the words and phrases didn't work like the cackling and spellbound. However I love the ending lines
"Ending it for me.
A sigh of relief escapes me,
The last words I hear:
"Did I hurt you? I'm sorry.""

The only thing I would say is leave out the me, making in "A sigh of relief escapes"
Apart from that great ending.

Niall
#6
Quote by SonOfSanguinus
The cuts you weave,
And the scars you leave,
Ripped into my heart.
Blood sprayed,
Whilst you played,
And left me screaming in the dark.
I feel like line five is almost just a filler to rhyme with line four, and I definately think you could change it. The rest of this was rather good opening.

You rip it out of my chest,
Still beating,
And throw it to the ground.
Toss back your head,
And cackle,
Leaving me watching, spellbound.
I don't like the useage of "chest". I'd try being more specific. I also think spellbound is an odd word to use, at least I know that if I had my chest torn open I wouldn't be spellbound. That's just me, though.

I scream, I yell,
On my way down to Hell,
You take pleasure in my pain.
My flesh, you sear,
My eyeballs, you pierce,
My torture is your joy.
The last line is redundant since it follows three lines after "you take pleasure in my pain."

You finally thrust the dagger,
Cold into my chest.
Ending it for me.
A sigh of relief escapes,
The last words I hear:
"Did I hurt you? I'm sorry."
I thought she/he already ripped out your chest? How can she/he put the dagger in? I think the ending is weak. There needs to be an explosion at the end-something that will make me shiver. Other than that, this stanza was okay.


This is not bad, but I felt that you were letting yourself be bogged down with trying to use poetic word choice and rhyming (sometimes) instead of emotionality.
#7
the first 3 lines are killer, id work on the next 2 lines though the y dont seem to belong the " screaming in the dark line is great too, its an ok piece, the 2nd n 4th stanza doesnt have as smooth of flow but i guess its how im reading it,

i also agree with hippieboy..the 3rd stanza should be changed around...and make the last 3 lines there your first three. pretty good.
#8
A little too "brutal" for me, but overall it would be a nice song. A lot of talented people on the board imo (:
The ending line kind of kills it
But that's just me
I love cookies
Last edited by Primarius at Jan 9, 2010,
#9
honestly the lyrics were a bit graphic. Maybe thats what you were going for

I liked the flow of the song, it made me feel an emotion which is what songs are supposed to do.

I like it.