#1
you're a wall.
a really fucking beautiful wall
that's perfect in every way i
admire; you're anything anyone
couldn't be and you act truer
than Heath Ledger; you chain smoke
and listen to Paramore and still
have clean teeth and a great taste
in music; you're life without
cynical introspection; you're the potential
everyone wishes was in their blood
but isn't; you're a freak that can relate
and not attempt suicide even if
you had before; you're when I
gaze at a winter sunset (pale
pink-purple watercolor self-por-
trait) half naked with drunken pupils
and realize how tiny and insignificant
i am and then cry when i see your
facebook status; you're a Plath poem
with an optimistic ending; you're
the trouble worth going through
to tell a great story;
you're a teddy bear I
spent hours with as a kid
and still can't talk
to; you're changing the world
by killing it.
the shame is
you're a wall


not sure if this is even serious.
Last edited by hippieboy444 at Feb 20, 2010,
#3
You hit the end note perfectly. Everything about this built, from the start to the end in one controlled motion. It's hard to write something like this and not sound cliche, but dammit if you didn't just do it. I must've written ten, twenty pieces like this before but could never go past the cliched. I think this is one of the best you've written.
#6
wow while reading this my face looked like kdownes avatar. i mean the talent some ppl have just floor me sometimes.good job man.very good.i am...a fan.
#8
Good exercise for your writing muscle. You had a nice collection of images that were both personal and unique and that's really all that makes for good writing, to me anyway

you could change around the wording for this a bit:
the shame is
you're a wall
and that's the unfortunate part, really.

you said it was a shame, and then you said it was unfortunate. Bit redundant.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#10
This poem was like a bowling ball rolling down a lane. Everytime it looked like you were headed straight for the gutters of cliche, it was revealed to me that you had put some spin on it, resulting in a strike. This was very refreshing and unique and I enjoyed it a whole lot. By far my favorite from you recently.

The only thing that irked me was "really ****ing beautiful wall" but i think it's just a personal thing i have with swearing in poems.

Great job though my man
here, My Dear, here it is
#11
Quote by SubwayToVenus
This poem was like a bowling ball rolling down a lane. Everytime it looked like you were headed straight for the gutters of cliche, it was revealed to me that you had put some spin on it, resulting in a strike. This was very refreshing and unique and I enjoyed it a whole lot. By far my favorite from you recently.

The only thing that irked me was "really ****ing beautiful wall" but i think it's just a personal thing i have with swearing in poems.

Great job though my man


Greatly appreciated. Drop me a link and I'll return the favor.
#12
Wow man, this is some very really good stuff. I too don't feel the "****ing" is necessary, but if you felt it right to include it, so be it. I really quite wish I could write like this; it's absolutely excellent. Keep up the good work - I look forward to reading more of your work.