#1
Ok everyone, here's the deal. It's been a while since I actually posted a piece of work here so I thought after a few crits then I would post a piece that I've had laying around for a while. Just looking for any suggestions for improvement.

Saying those words three times
I suppose that makes them real
Taking guesses at your mask
Not knowing how you feel
Take off the make up
That hides who you really are
Putting off the break up
Until i know who you really are

Tearing out the truth from your eyes
Covering them up with your lies
Fooling us both as the months tick past
Discovering your little secret at last

Each night a different room
Every guy nothing's new
Introductions are not needed
For a simple ***** like you
Money on the desk
And get on the bed
Decepitive little bitch
As she ****s with your head

Tearing the truth from you eyes
Covering them up with you petty lies
Fooling us both as the months tick past
Discovering your little secret at last

Chord progression

Tearing the truth from you eyes
Covering them up with you petty lies
Fooling us both as the months tick past
Discovering your little secret at last

Like I said looking for tips and suggestions. Thanks
Niall
#2
Pretty good. Definitely felt what was going on here. I found reading through it, I was "listening" to it at a fairly slow tempo, as that seemed to fit the style of writing you had here. Could be wrong, but it's still quite a good piece.
#4
First of all let me say, that the piece flowed really well. I could definitely feel the groove. Not sure about the "Taking guesses at your mask" line. I mean the context of the line fits, but it just doesn't make much sense. Wouldn't you actuallky be taking guesses at what's beneath the mask? Also I liked the way the second verse started off, but the second half didn't sit so well with me. I mean the "money on the desk" line makes it seems likes she ****s the guys for cash, which makes her seem like a "professional" prostitute, instead of just a slutbag who just does it, just because. Also, I'm not too found of the swearing in that verse. They just take a way from the tone and elegance you established early. Anyways, it seems like this would make a great song, and I hope to read more from you.

Crit mine please
The Pros and Cons
#5
Saying those words three times
I suppose that makes them real
Taking guesses at your mask
Not knowing how you feel
Take off the make up
That hides who you really are
Putting off the break up
Until i know who you really are


I can't say I particually enjoy this part. It just felt too predictable and for me personally didn't suit the rest of the song. "Taking guesses at your mask" was a pretty good line though.

Tearing out the truth from your eyes
Covering them up with your lies
Fooling us both as the months tick past
Discovering your little secret at last


I dont want to sound like a nit-picking bastard. But these chorus' are really over done. The past and last, eyes and lies are really common rhymes, although it all depends in the context of the song, but as a written piece, its just all too common.

Each night a different room
Every guy nothing's new
Introductions are not needed
For a simple ***** (whore) like you
Money on the desk
And get on the bed
Decepitive little bitch
As she ****s (fucks) with your head


I really enjoyed this bit. I read the 1st asteriks as *****, and in my head made this entire verse really angry. It just captures your rage. A stroke of pure genius.

I think you've definately got something with this. Hope I've helped. I really didnt want to sound like a heartless scrouge.
#6
Ok Thanks for your critic. I feel like I should justify some of these points.
Firstly, the line "Taking guesses at your mask" relates to the fact that I don't know who the girl is anymore as masks herself in indulgences such as sex, money and power.
Secondly, I'm not really a fan of swearing in songs either but, at the time of writing it, those choices of words and phrases seemed appropriate as I was angry at the girl. Also, the money remark, was less meaningful than anything else in this song but it is loosely connected to the girl in context however.

Although I acknowledge your opinions and will try to amend the piece soon and edit the original post.

I'm heading over now to crit your piece.

Niall
#7
Quote by JoshCrawford
Saying those words three times
I suppose that makes them real
Taking guesses at your mask
Not knowing how you feel
Take off the make up
That hides who you really are
Putting off the break up
Until i know who you really are


I can't say I particually enjoy this part. It just felt too predictable and for me personally didn't suit the rest of the song. "Taking guesses at your mask" was a pretty good line though.

Tearing out the truth from your eyes
Covering them up with your lies
Fooling us both as the months tick past
Discovering your little secret at last


I dont want to sound like a nit-picking bastard. But these chorus' are really over done. The past and last, eyes and lies are really common rhymes, although it all depends in the context of the song, but as a written piece, its just all too common.

Each night a different room
Every guy nothing's new
Introductions are not needed
For a simple ***** (whore) like you
Money on the desk
And get on the bed
Decepitive little bitch
As she ****s (fucks) with your head


I really enjoyed this bit. I read the 1st asteriks as *****, and in my head made this entire verse really angry. It just captures your rage. A stroke of pure genius.

I think you've definately got something with this. Hope I've helped. I really didnt want to sound like a heartless scrouge.


Don't worry, I take the criticism on board and not to heart.
About your point about the first verse, I was hoping that this sets the mood for the whole song but as you pointed out, it may not have been viewed in that way. Apart from the second half of the second stanza, this song is meant to be calm, emotional and meaningful, and I think, or rather hope, that this was portrayed in the opening stanza and chorus.

I also enjoy the second stanza, it's got raw emotion and anger. I think however that this was the part, if any of it, that didn't fit the rest of the song. But I think this is why this piece is one of my favourite that I've wrote. Those 8 lines just came to me in a minute and I didn't think about changing them.

Thanks anyway for the crit, like I said I'm hoping to make changes soon, and I'll edit the original post.

Niall
#8
Hey

I think you should change the second verse. I'm with TMV in that I thought the first verse and the chorus was nicely elegant, and then the second verse came across as weak and childish. It cheapens the piece to go from poetry to middle school like that. You have good flow and pretty decent rhymes, and all; however, I also noticed in the second verse that your grammar went from competent to sloppy.

My two cents.

peace
#9
Quote by Nilchii
Hey

I think you should change the second verse. I'm with TMV in that I thought the first verse and the chorus was nicely elegant, and then the second verse came across as weak and childish. It cheapens the piece to go from poetry to middle school like that. You have good flow and pretty decent rhymes, and all; however, I also noticed in the second verse that your grammar went from competent to sloppy.

My two cents.

peace


I think that's a bit harsh overall. The first verse yeah, it is poetic and it did set the mood, however I don't think that means I can't mix it up a bit for the second verse. Also with regards to the grammar, I can't really see anything sloppy about the second verse. It's simply direct, anger, emotion and simply put, for emphasis.

But I do take on board that perhaps the anger was a bit too much for the piece.
Thanks anyways for the crit.

Niall